Vlad: The Last Confession C.C. Humphreys
Orion Available Now - £6.99 (Paperback)
Review by Brad Harmer
Dracula. A name of horror, depravity and the darkest sensuality. Yet the real Dracula was just as alluring, just as terrifying, his story not of a monster but of a man - and a contradiction. For the one they called 'The Devil's Son' was both tyrant and lawgiver, crusader and mass slaughterer, torturer and hero, lover and murderer. His tale is told by those who knew him best. The only woman he ever loved, who he must sacrifice. His closest comrade and traitor. And his priest, betraying the secrets of the confessional to reveal the mind of the man history would forever remember as Tepes - 'The Impaler'.
But Vlad's actions defy such labels. His extraordinary life burns with passion, taking him from his years as hostage to the Turk, through torture, battle, triumph and betrayal, ultimately to a last crusade - there perhaps, beneath the twin banners of the Dragon and the Cross, to find redemption for his innumerable sins.
Vlad: The Last Confession starts out like a fun, historical action adventure. There’s fighting and yelling like you’d expect, but – much like the protagonist himself – it takes a turn for the darker before too long. In fact, outside of the horror genre, this might be the most brutally and uncompromisingly violent novel I’ve ever read. It isn’t without taste and humour, however, and much of the brutality is unseen...although the repercussions of it are felt.
Whilst the ride is highly enjoyable, its rather unfortunately a dissatisfying affair. Whilst the supporting cast are fantastic; when you get to the end there’s no real sense that you know anything about Vlad as a character. Although it’s intentional that he’s only really seen from other people’s eyes, it was a gamble that doesn’t really pay off.
The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: Frequent, brutal and gory depictions of mutilation, battle, torture and execution. Unsurprisingly, there are more than a few gory and detailed impalements. Sex/Nudity: Some boobies. Being stabbed. Swearing: One “fuck”. Summary: A brutal and darkly violent read that tells its tale well, but ultimately never gives us a true handle on its main subject: Vlad. 7/10
Star Trek: Nero Mike Johnson, Tim Jones and David Messina
IDW Publishing/Titan Books Available Now - £16.50 (Hardback) and 12th March - £9.99 (Paperback)
Review by Brad Harmer
Not an adaptation, this story follows the villainous Nero sort-of-before-and-sort-of-during the movie as he seeks to destroy the Federation.
Nero was something of an enigma when he arrived in the Star Trek universe in the most recent movie, so it’s not surprising that an attempt has been made to furnish him with something of a back-story. As these things go, this one is pretty good.
The introduction section, crashing into reality as the opening of the movie does is an excellent depiction of the events. What becomes interesting, however, is the different angle the narrative takes after that, when the Narada is boarded by Klingons.
The artwork is not great, but certainly good. The combat sequences suffer from a lack of the depiction of motion, and as a result it can look quite stilted. The darker sections tend to look better in general; I don't think this is the old trick of “a bad artist hiding his faults with shadows”, but rather that his style works better in darker colour schemes.
The most irritating habit of the book, however, is its habit of flipping between single page reading, and double spread “wide-screen” style reading. This is frequently confusing, and difficult to follow. Better to stick with one style.
With these faults aside, the story is excellent, travelling towards its inevitable climax with unrelenting inevitability. Trekkies should be pretty pleased with this one.
The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: Some scuffling and ship to ship combat. Sex/Nudity: None. Swearing: None. Summary: Hardly an essential read, but a fun ride for Trekkies – fans of the new movie, in particular. 6/10
Brad: Concept album, you think? Rob: Only if the concept was "Let's find the most boring album cover we can". An eagle? That traditionally most boring of birds? Having said that, I do own this album. Brad: You own all their albums, dude. Rob: Only two. Is that all of them? Brad: Oh, no...there's more. Rob: Then no, I don't own them all. I can only make that claim of a few bands. Brad: If you're going to have an Iron Eagle on the cover and the word "Hymns" in your title, you're going to have to work very hard to distance yourself from the far right. You know...by...like...only having dumpy Jewish guys in the band. Absolutely no tall, muscley blonde guys. Rob: Works for me. Hence why my new band "Fiat Inferno" will rule the world. It consists of Jewish-looking computer techs named Kyle, Jeff and Nigel. Brad: "Fiat Inferno" is such a good name for a band. Rob: Good isn't it? I got it from a newspaper headline. Brad: What is it the eagle is sitting on? It could be huts, cakes, cardamoms or boobies. Rob: The words "Battle Hymns", I think. Brad: No, just above that. Rob: Dude, those are its talons. Remind me why you failed your medical degree again? "What are these bits here?" "Those are the kidneys, Doctor." "Hmnh. Strange that they're in here. Bin them." Brad: I failed my medical qualification due to gross misconduct during the gynaecology module. As you well know. Rob: I do, but some of the readers won't. Brad: Those are really fluffy talons! Rob: It's quite a feathery eagle, I suppose. Compared to others I've seen. Like those bald eagles. Brad: Score? Rob: I'll go for 4 score...and seven years ago... Brad: 10/10
Into Glory Ride
Brad: The second one in's taking a dump. Rob: God, this looks scarily like a nightmare I had. Brad: They all look like really good contenders for my mate Omer's Hallowe'en costume this year. Rob: What did/is he go/going as last/this year? Brad: He went as a Viking/Barbarian/Turisas type-thing last year. Rob: Nice. Brad: I think it was Hallowe'en, anyway. I've only seen photos. Knowing him (and I do) it may have been a wedding. Rob: I'm still hoping to go as Mrs Doubtfire this year. Brad: That would be great. You know, apart from the chap having a poo, they all look really uncomfortable with those swords. Rob: Yeah, he does seem more at ease, doesn't he? Brad: Respect to the guy on the left. It takes guts to get your legs out in public. Rob: I still have yet to do so. Brad: This is especially true in wrestlers. You need real confidence to wrestle in just pants. Imagine Chris Jericho or Hulk Hogan in pants. Can't do it, can you? Rob: Dude... Brad: Looks wrong, right? Rob: Dude... Brad: Yes? Rob: You're aware that Hogan used to use trunks, and Jericho currently does? Brad: No. Seriously? Rob: Yeah, really. Brad: Okay...um...I can't think of any wrestler who has never worn pants off of the top of my head. What I do know is that if you try it with Jushin Liger, he looks downright deviant. Score for this one? Rob: 9/10 Brad: 10/10. Dice Like Manowar. Rob: I didn't even know you were using them. It made enough sense that I wasn't sure.
Hail to England
Brad: We're back in Aryan Supremacist territory again. I find it hard to believe Manowar are English, you know. Rob: What makes you say that? Brad: The fact they're from America, mostly. Rob: Yeah, that makes sense actually. Brad: So...this is a really odd album title for an American band. And the bloke on the cover really doesn't look English. He looks Eternian, if anything. Rob: Yeah, Eternia seems to be Manowar's spiritual home. Brad: There has to be a Masters of the Universe themed power metal band somewhere. On the web, if nowhere else. I'm certainly tempted to start one. Rob: People have covered the theme tune on MySpace, but I can't see a band themed on it. Brad: I feel a disturbance in the force...I can't help but feel Omer's picking up his guitar. This album is seven tracks long and clocks in at thirty-three minutes. They don't build them like that anymore. Rob: Weezer do. Pinkerton's about thirty-five minutes and awesome. And that's ten tracks. Not quite the same style, I grant you. Brad: There's a growing trend recently for album to be over an hour long, that's all. Which is a shame. It basically means every album these days is a double album in old money. Score? Rob: 7/10, Guvnor. Brad: 10/10. Uh...what are the odds of that? Rob: 1 in 10000, I think.
Fighting the World
Brad: "FIGHTING THE WORLD...except England. We have a soft spot for England.". You got this one? Rob: Nope. I'm sort of glad, in a way. I wouldn't want them looming like that. Brad: Imagine this as a poster on your bedroom wall. Rob: Isn't second from left Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat? Brad: There's a similarity. Did he ever wear leather chaps? Rob: Not on-Screen Brad: On a slight tangent, Mortal Kombat FTW. Would you like to see the best acting of all time, from Mortal Kombat: Annihilation? Rob: Go for it.
Rob: Nice. Brad: Death to False Punctuation! Rob: Don't you mean: "Death to False Punctuation." Brad: There so should have been a Manowar Saturday Morning Cartoon. I'd have bought all the toys. Had the Manowar Castle playset. Well, it was a gym/rehearsal room, really...but roomy! Rob: Sounds awesome, I'm sorry I missed it. Brad: I...what? Score? Rob: 7/10 Brad: 10/10. Maybe I should call an exorcist.
The Triumph of Steel
Brad: You know what's weird? This is exactly what I look like in my head. Rob: Trust me. It's in your head. Brad: You may laugh, but if I ever jack into a Matrix-Type-Thing, this will be my residual self-image. Is it just me, or is there something horrendously wrong with this chap's ribcage? Rob: I can't see any problems. But then I've taken off my glasses. And looked directly into a solar eclipse. And then rubbed dog crap into my eyes. Brad: I can see why you're not so keen on this new job. Score? Rob: As E14 goes, I think it should get about....17/10? Brad: 20/10. Okay, this is getting weird... Rob: Always have to one-up me don't you...or in this case three-up. Brad: I tried a different dice. But...But it was a d4...
Chaw Starring: Tae-woong Eom, Yoon Jae-Moon and Yu-mi Jeong Director: Jeong-won Shin
Optimum Home Entertainment Available Now - £15.99 (DVD)
Review by Brad Harmer
In the quiet, peaceful, countryside town of Semeri, Korea, things run at a laid back, idyllic pace. But the subdued atmosphere, scenic views and community spirit are about to be torn apart and ripped to shreds. What was once a popular tourist resort is about to become a one-way ticket to hell on earth. Within the surrounding mountain area the severed limbs of a young girl have just been discovered. The local law enforcement immediately assumes it’s a case of homicide. But they’re wrong, very wrong. Soon the beloved small town of Sameri will be turned into a gruesome bloodbath, for deep within its cold, dark forests a monstrous, insatiable beast awaits… and it's getting hungry.
For good or ill, this movie could only get made in Asia. There is no way any other country could produce a two-hour slapstick gore parody horror movie about a giant wild boar. If you like movies that are comfortable in their own silliness without being full-blown parodies, then Chaw is going to be right up your street.
At a running time of just under two hours, Chaw could have floundered, but there are very few places where it feels like its stagnating. There’s so much going on that it feels plotted more like a novel than a movie – and in a way that works. Also, f you’re the kind of guy who giggles with glee at geeky movie references (I’m looking at you, guy who can spot all the references in Shaun of the Dead*), they you’ll totally love the hilarious Jaws and Aliens parodies here.
With such amazing direction, solid cast and a great fun ride of a movie, it’s a bit of a shame that they couldn’t have spent a little more time and money on the CGI of the monster, which is downright ropey. Fortunately, when the rest of this movie is so good, it isn’t a deal breaker...but it’s bad enough to break suspension of disbelief at times.
* Ah, yeah...that's me, isn't it?
The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: Frequent and bloody pig eviscerations. Animal cruelty. Shootings. Scuffles. Explosions. Sex/Nudity: Some kissing. Swearing: Some strong language. Summary: A good, fun, monster-movie, black comedy with some nice fun, geeky gags. If you can find a copy, pick it up. 8/10
The Fool of the World and the Flying Ship Starring: David Suchet, Miriam Margoyles and Robin Bailey Director: Francis Vose
Revelation Films Available Now - £12.99 (DVD)
Review by Blake Harmer
I wouldn’t be surprised if you haven’t heard of this animated film, considering it’s based on a classic Russian fairytale. However, if you have children of your own, or the heart of a child (that’s meant purely as a metaphor, I would be slightly horrified if you had a child’s heart in your fridge) then this story will capture your imagination and keep you thoroughly entertained.
The plot keeps to the feel of several fairytales and even seems to borrow elements from several others. When the Tsar of Russia offers his daughter’s hand in marriage to anyone who brings him a flying ship, Pyotr, a simple woodcutter stumbles across one whilst searching for his brothers, and together with some new found friends, journey’s to the kingdom to claim the princess’s hand. However the Tsar and his evil aid (a bit like a crap Jafar from Aladdin) tries to stop him by setting the group three impossible tasks to complete.
The story is thoroughly enjoyable and keeps everything simple, sure you can see the plot twists and every character is obviously there just to advance the storyline, but then again so is every other fairytale of this type. The animation is very good considering the age of the film as well.
The only downside to this film is that some of the characters do look a bit scary, the hunter and his big eye to help hit anything with his bow is a prime example of this (and I still see him coming at me in my sleep) but he’s perfectly friendly in the film so maybe it is just me. The only other problem is that I felt that the plot is stretched a little bit too thin and the film would have benefited from being a tad shorter.
The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: None, this is a simple children’s story, and whilst the Tsar’s aid does try to kill them, he never succeeds. Sex/Nudity: None. Swearing: No, although I sweared when I was scared by the face of the hunter and his big eye. Summary: An enjoyable fairytale story that will entertain children while making sweet easy viewing for grown ups. Well worth watching for fans of children’s animation and fairytales alike. 8/10
Merlin - Series Two: Volume Two Starring: Colin Morgan, Anthony Head and John Hurt Director: Metin Huseyin and Alice Troughton
2 Entertain Available Now - £19.99 (DVD)
Review by Charlotte Barnes
The final seven episodes from the second series of the BBC drama set in the mythical city of Camelot, which tells the tale of the extraordinary relationship between the young King Arthur and Merlin, the wise sorcerer who guides him to power and beyond. The mythical city of Camelot, in a time before history began, is a fantastical realm of legendary beasts and mysterious peoples. In this dangerous world, magic has been banned by the ruthless tyrant, Uther Pendragon. As King Uther renews his deadly crusade against magic, Merlin finds it harder than ever to keep his unique abilities a secret while battling ruthless sorcerers, terrifying monsters and deadly warriors.
The series just keeps getting better and better, the episodes just keep getting more and more innovative every time I sit down to watch one. The quality of the acting just keeps improving, it has moved away from that hammy typically English soap acting and moved in to some seriously gritty passionate balls-grabbing work. In conjunction with the fantastic acting the script writing has improved leaps and bounds and is even better than the first half of the series. The final episode packs such a punch that it left me salivating for the third series. I have to say that I really can’t believe that this is a BBC production, who would believe that they would be able to produce a decent fantasy film that would happily translate to the American market!
The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: Plenty of sword wielding glory and blood to boot. Sex/Nudity: Mild, could do with more of Prince Arthur without a top on... Swearing: None. Summary: Great finish to the season, it just keeps getting better and better (on a personal note, is it me or is Prince Arthur getting better looking with every episode?). 8/10
Sons of Anarchy: Season One Starring: Ron Perlman, Charlie Hunnam and Katey Sagal
20th Century Fox Home Entertainment Available Now - £24.99 (DVD)
Review by Charlotte Barnes
The first season of Sons of Anarchy draws you into the grim and gritty world of a renegade motorcycle gang whom unofficially preside over a community in northern California. It’s a tale of family relationships and dark drama set against a backdrop of ambiguous morality and the motorcycle club ruled by the head strong Clay Morrow (Ron Perlman) and his wife Gemma (Peg Bundy), who controls and protect their town through bribery, corruption and violence. The gang, known as the Sons of Anarchy, makes its money providing firearms for drug cartels and running local protection rackets.
The series is seen from the perspective of Jackson “Jax” Teller who is the vice president of the Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club. Having almost lost his child due to his ex wife’s drugs problem, he begins to wonder whether there are better ways to earn a living. His mother Gemma and Step-Father Clay (President of the motorcycle gang) want to keep him on their version of the straight and narrow through gun runs and selling illegal good. However, with his new child in the picture, the introduction of his first childhood love Tara and finding his Father’s old manuscript titled The Life and Death of Sam Crow: How the Sons of Anarchy Lost Their Way he finds himself doubting the club’s direction.
I wanted to watch this series purely on the basis that Ron Perlman is in it, and he is just plain awesome. Sons of Anarchy did not disappoint; this is just a more badass version of The Sopranos with great storylines, gritty acting and serious gun wielding violence. Everything about it spells awesome. I genuinely don’t think that there is any kind of flaw with Sons of Anarchy the actors are fantastic, the writing is clever and insightful and the characters are well developed with a fantastic cast. Let’s hope that the next season can only improve upon the first, but with the addition of Henry Rollins to the cast, the show can do no wrong (all I hope for is for Rollins to strap some dynamite to an arrow and shoot it at a cannibal).
The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: Lots of blood and guns, there is a particularly nasty moment involving someone’s back, a blow torch and a bottle of whiskey. Sex/Nudity: Plenty of sex and infidelity. Swearing: Appropriate for the genre. Summary: Fantastic first season, well worth a watch and would recommend to anyone who enjoys The Sopranos, The Godfather or Goodfellas. 10/10
'I blame those new Brainy Crisps. Since he started eating them, he's been too clever by half'.
Can eating a bag of crisps really make you more clever? The company that makes the crisps says so, and they seem to be right. But the Doctor is worried. Who would want to make people more brainy? And why? With just his sonic screwdriver and a supermarket trolley full of crisps, the Doctor sets out to find the truth.
The answer is scary - the Krillitanes are back on Earth, and everyone is at risk! Last time they took over a school. This time they have hijacked the internet. Whatever they are up to, it's big and it's nasty. Only the Doctor can stop them - if he isn't already too late...A short, sharp shot of adventure, featuring the Doctor as played by David Tennant in the hit series from BBC Television.
Thanks to our friends at Ebury Press and BBC Books, we've got five copies of Doctor Who: Code of the Krillitanes to give away! For your chance of winning one, send us an e-mail to krillitanesgiveaway@rocketmail.com with your name and postal address before midday on Thursday 11th March (UK time). The first five names drawn out of the electronic hat will win a free copy!
Vlad: The Last Confession
Star Trek: Nero
