Friday, 5 June 2009

The Sims 3 Review

The Sims 3
PC (PEGI Rating 12+)


Review by Rob Wade

In many ways, I am the perfect middle-ground for a reviewer of a Sims game. While I enjoy them tremendously while I’m playing them, I tend to find myself far too busy to spend too long on consecutive long play sessions, and am at a loss to consider how people can willingly devote such a large portion of their real life to making virtual characters’ lives SLIGHTLY better. That said, I can certainly see the appeal of the games, hence why as I say I’m ideally placed to give a balanced option. That and I do play a fuckton of games.

Installation

Ok, so bearing in mind that it’s a PC game, I think it’s important to mention the specs on this game, and how forgiving they are for older machines. Well, relax PC fans: it turns out that you don’t need to be able to run Crysis to control the lives of little virtual people who speak gibberish made-up words. The specs, while they do require a 2.0 GHz processor and 1GB RAM, are no more demanding at basic specification than your average game. This surprised me, to be honest, for reasons that will become clear in good time.

Obviously, the better your rig is (and mine is pretty damned good, might I add) the smoother it’ll run, but rest assured that it’s by no means a matter of life and death in either the literal or proverbial sense. Because that would suck wouldn’t it? A game that was so high-spec, it would actually kill you. I dare say, however, that if there is such a game in the works, Crytek are developing it.

So getting the nerdy stuff out of the way, the game installs smoothly on my rig (an AMD Quad-core processor with 4GB of RAM and a single 512MB GeForce card), but lacks some of the little touches they put into the install process for The Sims 2. There used to be a little game that you could play while it was installing to pass the time. I know it sounds petty, but when you consider that despite the smoothness the install process lasts over 10 minutes, something to pass the time would be preferable. This is only a minor gripe though, but still a small bugbear of mine.

Let’s Get It Started


Once the game installs, thankfully, loading times reduce substantially. Once you set up the game installation, you’re given the new Sims 3 game launcher. From here, you can access the new online store and download/purchase new items, clothes and even towns for the main game. Regardless of your opinion on micro-transactions, the market is going that way on all formats, and the store is certainly a nice option to have should you feel so inclined.

In fact, my limited experience of the store (bearing in mind that they have very little in the way of content on there at the time of writing) was completely positive. I was able to download a new town to add to the main game, certainly a welcome addition bearing in mind that the main game begins with one. Say what you like about the future of advertising in games and the effect it will have in downloadable content, but I have no problem with, for example, an Orange-branded tracksuit top in the game that I can download for free. As far as the other things they charge for are concerned, it makes good business sense for them to do it, so I’m sure it’ll continue. On the plus side, it gives lifespan to games with good amounts of customisation options (not that I think you’ll run out of options in games like this).

Once you get into the game, it’s time to create your Sim. You CAN opt for the pre-programmed ones they’ve given you, but why bother doing that? Half the fun is either playing as yourself or someone you hate. Maybe you hate yourself, in which case it’s a complete result on your part, job done. One of the first things that struck me about the Sim creation process is that it SEEMED (though I may be mistaken, as it’s been a while since I played Sims 2 in any great depth) like they’ve cut down the customisation options on the faces of the Sims. Having said that, as I’ll come to, there are what seem to be legitimate gameplay reasons for doing so, so it doesn’t come as too much of a disappointment for me (plus I look generic anyway really, especially since I got my hair cut).

Cult of Personality

At this point in the game, you’re introduced to one of the principal new features of the creation process: the ability to give your Sims more realistic personalities than previous games by combining attributes together. The attributes involved are kind of generic ones, but they work quite well as templates. Presumably, as with previous games in the franchise, they’re laying the groundwork of a working system which will then be refined in future iterations of the game, as they have done in the past with the passage of time and the relationship system. Even then, the system is solid and has a decent range of personality traits which do seem to make a difference in gameplay.

Once you get your Sim family up and running (for the purposes of getting a general idea of the game, I went for a solo Sim of myself, making myself an artistic absent-minded humourist using the new system – I chose to throw in the “Never nude” option so that I didn’t have to look at those stupid blur patterns around my junk as well), it’s on to choosing a place to live. Here, the developers begin to show their flair for the little touches that make a game flow more smoothly. You can opt for a furnished or unfurnished house, which is a nice little touch I personally enjoyed, as I always found myself doing calculations in my head for how much the basic appliances would cost on top.

As soon as you touch down on the ground level with your Sim, you are given the tutorial options Sims fans will no doubt recognise. However, rather than bombarding you with the tutorial options, this game (as I have noticed most awesome games adopt) has a system that asks you if you want information on a particular subject, giving you the option to view the tutorials, save them for later or turn the tutorials for a particular subject off. The tutorials I have seen are well laid-out, with clear visual guides on how to access some of the more advanced features the game offers. As tutorials go, the Sims series has always been a good example for game companies to follow, and the same applies here.

Deeper Underground

At this point, you’ll begin to see the main addition that has been made to the series. Promises of a more community-driven game have been well-founded, it turns out, as The Sims 3 is the first game to load up an entire town simultaneously and run all the different Sims’ lives and personalities at any given time. To give you an idea of how detailed and in-depth this game has become, let me put it like this.

When my character got his first job, it was on the Law Enforcement career track. My Sim would work from 9am until 3pm Monday to Friday. I could follow him to the building he worked inside (I couldn’t go inside that particular one, but some do allow you to go inside and watch what’s going on). I could make him walk home if I chose rather than get a cab or drive, going via the local shops and precincts or the park. I could carry an acoustic guitar around and busk in the park before heading home, in order to make a bit of extra cash. The people I met on my first day aged alongside my Sim, to the point that my partner in Vice Squad died two days before my Sim did. This was all without ever having a loading screen. To say that this game is deep would be an understatement, and I’ve not even seen some stuff yet!

That’s not all though. One improvement I’m particularly impressed by is the modification of the aspiration meter from Sims 2, replaced by “Life Rewards”. What used to happen was that you would earn points for fulfilling the Sim’s desire, which could only be spent essentially when the Sim was in a great mood, and only for items that could be left around the house for them to use. While I did rather like the ability to drink the Elixir of Life to prolong lifespan, I always found the necessity of using it when the Sim was in a particular quality of mood to be a rather fiddly and clunky system.

I was thus relieved to find that the Life Rewards system is much better. As well as offering the points for fulfilling particular objectives (from such things as “Meet Someone New” all the way to “Prepare a meal”), the meter also fills up continuously any time the Sim is over a certain percentage on the Mood meter. This system might SOUND convoluted, but I assure you it’s anything but, and a welcome change to the meter from the previous version. The perks you can swap the points for are much cooler as well, ranging from learning skills twice as quickly to not having to pay at restaurants.

Changes

Most of the other changes that I’ve observed are mostly superficial or just streamlined versions of the previous system and game mechanic. Tasks and activities now have a time bar attached to them to give you an idea of what time something will be finished (handy when planning a Sim’s journey to work!), certain activities now have a drop-down box allowing you to choose the level of effort you wish to put into it versus the level of reward you will receive. Yes, there is an option for “take a lazy day” at work, something with which most Sims players will be instantly familiar.

The game also boasts a much more in-depth video and photo capturing and editing system (expect some fun stuff to appear on E14 in this vein in the not-too-distant future) as well as the ability to upload your content for others to enjoy. Make no mistake, EA have really pushed the boundaries of what can be done with the technology in this game, and I applaud them for that.

However, this game is not without its flaws, and most of them can be attributed to my issues with the franchise in general that have still not been addressed. Firstly, it IS a deep game, but to someone like me that can be quite intimidating at times. This is particularly true when weighed up against my main gripe with the series. The Sims themselves do not last long enough in terms of lifespan! I appreciate that previous games have used expansion packs to extend the lives of Sims, but they just don’t last long enough to make use of most of the features in the game. I appreciate that this is a very personal issue, but I’m sure I’m not the only one who thinks so!

Also worth mentioning is the “fast-forward factor”, as I like to call it. After a few hours of continuous play, you will probably find yourself fast-forwarding through most things that repeat to any significant degree. Having said that, the system for fast-forwarding now includes an option to fast-forward only until a particular activity is finished, so if you’re particularly sick of seeing little Billy take a piss for the 300th time, you know what to do.

Other than that, the issues are mainly technical. A few texture issues, with buildings disappearing and re-appearing, as well as cars vanishing on occasion, are somewhat understandable in the case of something on such a grand scale as The Sims. The game does slow down occasionally, but then that’s a very subjective issue and depends on your game settings as well. You may find that your experiences differ on a technical level from mine, but then that’s the beauty of PCs: No two rigs are ever really the same. The controls can be a little fiddly at times, as most of the rotation and tilting is now mapped to clicking down the mouse wheel first, and the screen can only be moved while holding down the right mouse button. However, keyboard controls are included as well; maybe they’ll work better for you.

Final thoughts

All in all, I would say that the game represents a substantial development in the Sims life cycle, and does serve to innovate somewhat in some areas that perhaps had stagnated within the franchise until now. While this game doesn’t fix absolutely all the issues some gamers will have had with the franchise (myself included), the changes they have made are sufficient that it retains the recognisable Sims style of play while offering enough fresh stuff to keep even the most die-hard Sims fan happy.

Graphics: 7/10 – Though not an absolutely mind-blowing graphical experience, the characters look solid and the level of detail is good.
Sound: 7/10 – The music is entertaining enough, and as long as you can put up with the voices, you’ll be fine.

Gameplay: 9/10 – The traditional Sims experience we’ve all come to know and enjoy on a much grander scale.

Lasting Appeal: 10/10 – There is PLENTY to keep you occupied on here. What with the large number of personality variants as well as all the online options for content sharing and downloads, EA will keep this fresh. You just watch.

Other points in favour: You can make two female Sims les up, and as everyone knows that’s awesome. Make them kiss in public and defy convention, I dare you!

E14 Rating: 8/10. There is enough here to keep you busy for quite a while, and for fans of the original Sims games it will seem like more than just an incremental upgrade.

Wednesday, 3 June 2009

How To Seduce Natalie Portman

It is a dark and sobering moment in a man's life when he realises that the closest he will ever come to a long-lasting relationship with the love of his life is that she might sign his Star Wars stuff, if he asks nicely.



Or is it? This week on Emotionally Fourteen, I, Brad Harmer, will be conducting field research, to see if I can successfully woo Natalie Portman AKA The Most Beautiful Girl In The World.

So, how does one successfully score with the most talented actress of our generation? Simple. You try to a) show a deep understanding of her psyche, and b) show an appreciation for her work. And these two can be combined in a surprisingly easy way. After all, an actress must be attracted to parts that appeal to her, right? So, therefore, if I copy everything that her love interests in the films do, that's a shoe-in, right? I mean, how can this possibly end up with me in prison, right?

The Other Boleyn Girl


Mission objectives

  • Divorce Catherine of Aragon
  • Shag Natalie Portman's sister
  • Get Natalie Portman's sister pregnant
This starts off hard. Firstly, in order to divorce Catherine of Aragon, I'm going to have to marry her. And this is going to prove pretty hard considering that she died nearly 475 years ago. And she has no living descendants. So, I decided to take a step sideways, and run with a crafty e-mail:

Dear Viggo Mortensen,

I can't get a hold of Catherine of Aragon, as she's dead. And I don't know anyone else called Catherine. So, you're the best bet I've got, as "Aragon" sounds a bit like "Aragorn". Look, it's good enough for me at this point. I refuse to fall at the first hurdle simply because by accident of history the woman I need to divorce has pretty certainly decayed to dust by now. And I know we were never married. Just FUCK OFF and let me do this, okay?

Anyway, I'm sorry Viggy-baby, but it's over between us. Basically, I need to see other people. Natalie Portman to be precise. I admire your rugged good looks, and I totally loved you in Texas Chainsaw Massacre III, but it's over. There's nothing between us anymore.

Please send me half your shit,

Bradley Alexander Tiberius Harmer


The next step was simple. All I had to do was to shag Natalie Portman's sister. The problem being that Natalie Portman is an only child. It's hard to shag a non-existent sister. It's even harder to get them pregnant.

I can't recommend this method. I expended a lot of effort trying to trace down a non-existent sibling, and, thanks to the assitance of the Idaho State Police Department, I am no longer allowed within 200 yards of Viggo Mortensen.

V For Vendetta


Mission objectives:

  • Keep her in a cell
  • Shave her head
  • Make her think that she's going to die
  • Blow up the Houses of Parliament
Right, here's the bad news first: keeping Natalie Portman locked up in a cell is a lot harder than this film makes it out to be. Getting the jump on her to start with is hard enough. She has really pointy elbows, and she isn't afraid to use them.

Anyway, I arrived at her hotel where she was doing some promotion for some Vegan charity or whatnot, and disguised myself as a bellboy. This took much longer than originally anticipated, as the hotel didn't have any bellboys. In any event, I sneaked a look at the register to see where she was staying. I made my way up to her room, and rapped lightly on the door. Sure enough, the lady herself answered.

"Hello," she said, beautiful as ever. "I don't think I ordered any room service."

"No, you misunderstand me, Miss Hershlag." I said, in a thick Dutch accent. "My name is Rutger, and I am here to...check the room for rogue bells."


"Rogue bells?" she asked, confusion screwing her pretty face.

"Uh...yeah...why not?" I cunningly bluffed. I pushed into the room and began peering under her bed, palming a pair of underwear that had fallen there. "You get stuff like that in these old places."

When Natalie turned around to close the door, I leapt to my feet and tried to grab her, a la Hugo Weaving. Unfortunately, the reclaimed pants fell out of my hand, and caught around my foot, causing me to fall over, swearing loudly. Natalie was at first concerned I'd hurt myself, but then her surprise turned to fury when she realised I'd dropped something incriminating...my Dutch accent!

I've done a lot of things for this website, but suffering several elbow drops at the hands of a diminiutive, Jewish, vegan actress has to be one of my lowest so far.

Or I couldn't find the hotel and went home again. Whichever you'd prefer to believe.

Star Wars: Episode III - Backstroke of the West


Look, if he hasn't got a lob on in that picture, he's fucking gay.

Mission Objectives
  • Maim Samuel L. Jackson
  • Kill a bunch of children
  • Choke her into unconciousness
The first thing I did was to watch Episode III again, because it's cock-burningly awesome.

I managed to track down Samuel L. Jackson fairly easily. This didn't actually require any elaborate tracking, research, kidnapping, or bugging. All I had to do was advertise that I was holding open auditions for a action/comedy/gangster movie, and required an African-American actor to hurl almost funny one-liners. Lo, and behold, Samuel L. Jackson arrived at the audition. So did Chris Tucker, but I managed to dispose of him with a glass tumbler and a coaster.

"Hi, Samuel L." I said, sitting opposite the chair from him. "Big fan of your work."

"Thanks." said the star of such movies as The Exorcist III, Eddie Murphy Raw and Iron Man. "I appreciate you giving me the opportunity to...OOOF!"

I flung myself across the small table, machete swinging wildly. "Sorry, Mr L. Jackson, star of such movies as Jungle Fever and three episodes of Ghostwriter! But this is for the greatest thing in the world. True love!"

Samuel staggered back eyes widening in shock. "What the fuck is this? I didn't come here for no Jason Voorhees shit!"

Man, he was a funny guy...the way he managed to say the word shit at precisely the right moment...the way he culturally referenced another film. Truly, he was the greatest actor of our times.

I leapt onto him with a bloodcurdling scream, and raising the machete, learnt the hard way that a lot of celebrities carry taser guns.

I can't recommend any of these methods, I'm afraid. At the start I was hopeful that I'd be happily married to Natalie Portman by now, but instead I found myself spasming on the floor of a church hall, a small patch of urine staining the front of my trousers, whilst Chris Tucker helped himself to the contents of my wallet. All in all, it wasn't the best birthday I'd ever had, but it certainly wasn't the worst either.

Monday, 1 June 2009

Newsfalsh! - June 1st, 2009

More news for you, the stories you may not have seen courtesy of your friends at E14.

More overseas students 'found'

See, straightaway I love this article just from the title. More overseas students 'found', with found in inverted commas, as if it's quoting an expert.

"After extensive research, we have discovered the existence of a 47 million year old fossil, using the scientific approach known as 'finding' it."

So the article, to sum up for those who would rather read attempts at topical humour than actually read the source material in any significant depth, is about a report from the British Council (through whose graces I had one of the best experiences of my life in France) which details the discovery that there are considerably more overseas students in England than they originally thought.
How many more, you ask? 25? Nope. 500? Still cold. 10,000? Not even close.

The British Council has managed to find another 124,240 overseas students at universities across the country.

Now, my first question bearing this in mind is "How the fuck do you lose 124,000 people?" Were they hiding for any particular reason? I mean, we all know overseas students pay higher tuition fees. Oh, you didn't know that? Interesting. Anyway, apparently the reason for this change in numbers is due to a change in the methods of calculation for overseas students in universities.

You would think, surely, that the formula for calculating the number of overseas students in universities is simple:

Total number of students in UK universities - Total number of UK nationality students in UK universities = total number of overseas students in UK universities.

Apparently, that's what the formula has now become.

So what, I hear you ask (silently), did the British Council use as their method before this conversion? They would read the address of the applicant, and sort according to the country of origin OF THE ADDRESS. How was that ever likely to reflect an accurate number? Bearing in mind that you have to have a sponsor address to get a student visa in the UK anyway, I don't see how they could fail to notice that before the recalculation, there were no students whatsoever from Eastern Europe. I mean, I'm certainly not one to subscribe to this "They come over here and take our jobs" mentality, but I'm certainly not blind to the fact that they do come over here.

Toddler buys real digger online



eBay is awesome frankly, and stories like this just go ahead and prove it every time I see one online.

First of all, this child is three years old. Not a year, not 2. Three years old. SURELY the child at least understands that when you are searching on an auction website (we're led to assume it's eBay although it's never stated officially - but let's face it: what other website would sell toys AND real earthdiggers?), that there is an upper limit to how much toys cost? No parent on Earth would be that much of a bastard to tell the kids that their toys cost thousands upon thousands of pounds each, you'll traumatise the poor buggers.

I would also like to draw your attention to the awesomeness of the child's name: Pipi Quinlan. What a great name, it sounds like she deserves her own late-night hard-hitting detective series. Skeptical as you might be, I'd watch the shit out of "The Pipi Quinlan Mysteries".

What's great about this is the mother's words about how the saga evolved. Apparently she was shopping for toys online with her daughter, and was surprised to wake up the next morning to find an email asking for money to be deposited. Exactly how familiar was she was online auctions? I've been part of a few, that's generally EXACTLY how it works. I buy something, they ask for the money. It's the model that commerce has been built on since the oldest times, and it's seemingly worked pretty well up until now.

I mean, this is all assuming the child actually ordered the digger, and it wasn't just a drunken mistake by the parents.

"Christ, how much did we have to drink last night?"
"I don't know, but it looks like no harm's been do...Oh shit."
"What? What is it?"
"Well, you remember we talked about how much we like plant machinery?"
"We didn't..."

Just be careful, doting mother: If your child starts shopping for forensics kits and magnifying glasses, don't you DARE stand in her way.

Youtube helps man deliver baby

First things first: I have NEVER understood the use of the word "delivery" when referring to the act of childbirth. It's got almost nothing in common with any delivery I've ever signed for. Firstly, I have to sign for deliveries, and as far as I know no paperwork is kept on file for these babies apart from a birth certificate. Secondly, that I know of, no baby has ever been signed for as "in good condition". Thirdly, no baby is guaranteed next-day delivery, no matter how much extra the parents would be willing to pay.

So it transpires that while waiting for their midwife to arrive, the guy decided to take matters into his own hands, and using knowledge he'd gained from Youtube videos, deliver the baby himself. What a nice and caring guy, eh? I thought so, anyway, until I read him saying that with previous births he'd been at his wife's head, but would now be comfortable at "the business end". What the fuck is he playing at calling his wife's pussy the "business end"? Is he asking for an economic shrinkage?!

I thought this was a great story until I read this one a few days later.

Pornographic videos flood Youtube

Double standards much Youtube? What, so just because the lady's "business end" is probably actually earning her some money, you've got an issue with it?