Starring: Richard Greico, Kevin Nash, Patricia Velasquez
Director: Christopher Ray
Metrodome
Available Now
Review by Ömer Ibrahim
So, movies, why do you hate Norse mythology? What did it ever do to you? The Legend of Thor is awesome, so why can’t you just keep him the way he was? Stop messing this up for all of us, will you? Just give him his big ginger beard, and his hammer, and let him ride around with his wild boar and we’ll all be suitably impressed, okay?
Almighty Thor makes a slight amount more effort to encounter the original Norse mythology than the Marvel Thor movie it's pretending to be in order to get your confused grandmother to buy it for you. But it fails, terribly.
As far as I can tell, Odin, who is the pro-wrestler Kevin Nash, has made some kind of hammer that is pretty good. And Loki, who is not his son, wants it. So they fight. In a wood, just outside of Valhalla, which is just a regular town. This is the good part of the movie.
Somehow, I’m not sure how, I got distracted by trying to re-write this movie in my head, Thor (who has short blonde hair and no beard) and Anck Su Namun from The Mummy are in modern-day America, because it is cheaper to film down town from the studio than to put cameras in the woods. Mummy Chick is training Thor, because the fucking son of the King of the Gods never learned to fight properly. Who booked this shit?
Not only is the story utter tripe, but the special effects are too. There’s these big dog things, that you see quite a bit, but they’re usually off screen, conveniently.
The acting is just...just atrocious. When Kevin freaking Nash is the best actor in your movie, you have a terrible problem. There’s some reasonable actors in here, but they didn’t bring the talent with them, and the whole movie suffers as a result.
The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Violence: Violence requires blood. Blood costs money. So no.
Sex/Nudity: Legs. Lots of legs.
Swearing: Nope.
Summary: Seven-foot awesome machine “Big Sexy” Kevin Nash playing Odin is the only thing that stops this movie getting a negative rating number. 1/10
Starring: Mika Hijii, Masayuki Izumi, Mituki Koga
Director: Seiji Chiba
MVM Entertainmen
Available from Monday 5th September
Review by Blake Harmer
Set during the period of Warlord Nobunaga Oda conquering and uniting the Koga and Iga ninja under one banner, the story follows one female ninja as she discovers what it means to be a ninja and fight with honour to protect her village and her beliefs.
To be honest though, the pacing of this seventy minute shonk-fest is so atrocious you will have stopped caring about the plot. It pure banality with very little focus being given to the plot and much more on trying to develop some very boring characters. If that isn’t bad enough, when the action does kick off, it is inexplicably sped-up, even when it is unnecessary for the film to do so. It isn’t that the stunts are bad, it seems only sped up in an attempt to make each move seem cooler, with the end result looking stupid and just plain rubbish.
In the film’s defence it is obviously very low budget, making the likes of Alien vs Ninja seem like Inception. Also, the fight scenes do seem to be well choreographed and the stunts pretty decent, even if it is sped up. However, there is nothing here that can’t be found in numerous other Kung Fu movies, and at least other movies have more interesting stories.
The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Violence: Lots of action inexplicably sped up, not much gore but you do see a couple of terrible fake limbs and a head.
Sex/Nudity: You get boobs and a rape scene, but not much is shown apart from him playing with boobs.
Swearing: A few, but nothing that really stands out.
Summary: A low budget affair with some fairly good fight scenes considering the budget. That said, with an atrocious storyline, characters which you don’t care for, and with countless Kung Fu stuff out there doing what this does only better, there is still very little here to warrant giving this a watch. 4/10
Starring: Kathy Berry, Simon Brodkin, Terry Noble
Director: Adam Wimpenny
Universal Pictures UK
Available Now
Review by Brad Harmer
Do you remember about seven years ago when “chav” humour was funny? Little Britain was riding high with Vicky Pollard. Catherine Tate was constantly asking us if she was “bovvered”. Lady Sovereign and Goldie Looking Chain were still riding high What’s more, even Ali G was still clinging there, somehow. Anyway, the long and short of it is that Simon Brodkin remembers it as well, and for some reason he seems to think that it’s still 2004.
Lee Nelson, the lovable scab from the council estate has somehow got a chat show, and what follows is basically a crap knock-off of Graham Norton’s sense of humour, with a chav wideboy character. The “stunts” and game-show sections are feeble, humdrum affairs, with absolutely nothing to raise your interest, and the (very) short stand-up sections are jokes of the weakest Working Men’s Club kind.
Comedy sucks at the moment, doesn’t it? I’m not holding Brodkin solely responsible for that, but this safe, twee, time-warped crap isn’t exactly helping either.
The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Violence: None.
Sex/Nudity: Some tee-hee Graham Norton type stuff.
Swearing: Frequent and strong.
Summary: Uninspired, derivative and – most criminally of all – simply not funny. 2/10
WIN A LIMITED EDITION STEEL-BOOK BLU-RAY OF SCARFACE!
With machine guns blazing, one of the most influential gangster films ever made, the explosive underworld epic Scarface arrives on Triple Play Blu-ray on 5th September. Order yourself a copy now here!
To celebrate the long awaited release, we’re giving you the chance to a Limited Edition Steel-Book Edition of the eagerly awaited ultimate gangster Blu-ray and a limited edition Tony Montana neck scarf and money clip! Two runners up will also get the chance to win a neck scarf and money clip too!
Featuring flawless performances from a star-studded cast including Academy Award® winner Al Pacino (The Godfather) and Academy Award® nominee Michelle Pfeiffer (The Fabulous Baker Boys, Dangerous Liaisons), Scarface remains a timeless classic and one of the most influential gangster films ever made.
To be in with a chance of winning this amazing prize, simply answer the following question.
Where in the world is Scarface set?
a. Milton Keynes
b. Majorca
c. Miami
Join us for further Scarface action at: www.facebook.com/scarfacethemovie
For your chance of winning, send your answer, name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Saturday 10th September, making sure to put "Scarface" as the subject. The first entry out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will win the Blu-ray, scarf and money clip, with two lucky runners up winner scarves and money clips!
Don't forget to put "Scarface" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.
Scarface is available on Blu-ray from Monday 5th September, courtesy Universal Pictures.
Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland. © 2011 Universal Pictures. All Rights Reserved.
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