Satan wasn't available, so Brad will be GMing Rob through an RPG based on the classic Joe Dever gamebook Freeway Warrior II: Mountain Run. Brad is the DM, and Rob plays his character, Brag Phoenix.
Catch up with previous Dickass DM installments here!
Brad: One bears the lion's head mark of the Detroit Lions clan; the other is emblazoned with the long-horned steer skull symbol of the Angelions clan. From your location opposite the entrance you overhear two Angelinos talking. You learn that some sort of motorcycle race is to take place here this afternoon, to celebrate the signing of a pact between the two clans.
Now you feel sure that Mad Dog and Kate are here somewhere inside the stadium, and you apply yourself to finding a way in. After watching the entrance for over an hour, only two options appear open to you.
Rob: I made entrances appear?! Is this Inception?
Brad: You can try to hide in one of the trucks that are carrying spares for the clansmen's bikes, in the hope that they will enter the stadium before the race; or you can attempt to scale the stadium wall at one of the many places where it has partially collapsed.
Rob: I attempt to climb over the wall. For all I know, those trucks are being driven to a burning...place.
MCSPINDLE: You're carrying how much crap and the wall is how high?
Brag: Not high enough.
Brad: There is a loud cheer as the stadium gate opens, then the waiting bikers start up their machines and begin entering in single file. Amid all this activity you leave your hiding place and cross the wide avenue that encircles the stadium. None of the clansmen appears to notice as you walk boldly around to the east side of the arena, to a place where a large section of the wall has collapsed, leaving a heap of rubble that rises to within ten feet of the remaining wall.
Rob: Awesome.
Brad: The coast is clear and so, with the blood pumping loudly in your ears, you clamber to the top of the heap and attempt to scale the wall.
Rob: All good so far.
Brad: You manage to pull yourself over the wall and gain access to the stadium without being seen.
Rob: Did I make a jangling sound as I landed?
Brad: You sure did, in my head. From a position high among the tiers, you look down at the rows of empty seats that encircle the dusty arena and observe the preparations taking place around the perimeter track. This stadium once hosted international sporting events, many of which were televised and beamed live around the world.
Brag: Ooh, are they going to play a sport?
Brad: Now it plays host to a sporting event of a very different kind. The Angelinos have challenged the Lions to put forward four of their best riders for a twenty-lap motorcycle race around the arena. The track itself reminds you of an old film you saw when you were a child, a film about the wild chariot races that took place in Ancient Rome.
MCSPINDLE: The Phantom Menace?
Brag: Probably. Amazing how many things remind me of that.
Brad: Today's event is meant to be a friendly challenge to celebrate the signing of their alliance, but with clan honour at stake the race will ubdoubtedly be run in deadly earnest. Facing you, on the far side of the stadium, is the glass-fronted observation block that was once used by tleevision and radio commentators. Your curiosity is aroused...
MCSPINDLE: Wa-hey!
Brag: Hey, I have to call it something.
Brad: ...when you notice that the door to the block is heavily guarded. Fixedly you stare at its full-length windows and count five occupants: four clansmen and one blonde-haired girl. You cannot see her face clearly, but you have a strong feeling that the girl is Kate Norton.
Brag: Wasn't she a brunette?
MCSPINDLE: I hope you're right this time. Remember those times we rescued Lady Gaga by mistake?
Brag: I do indeed. I made sure to fuck her in the arse, so I wouldn't get asked if she had a penis.
MCSPINDLE: You're right...I think she was brunette. Unless that was just us making an assumption. Brunettes are hotter.
Brad: The race is about to begin. Eight bikers are drawn up in a line at one end of the arena, each man standing astride his machine and revving its engine in response to the loud cheers of the clansmen watching. The riders have their eyes fixed on a pot-bellied Angelino who is perched atop a wooden tower in the centre of the track.
Brag: Hey fatty! Good luck in the race! Fatty!
Brad: Above his head he holds a checkered flag, and, as he brings his arm down, the crowd screams and the riders surge away from the line. Under cover of the noise and commotion of the race, you approach the observation block. An enclosed corridor leads to a flight of iron stairs where two burly clansmen - one an Angelino, the other a Detroit Lion - stand on guard with machine pistols at the ready. At the top of the stairs is the door to the block itself. The noise of the crowd and the roar of the motorbikes have helped you so far, but the race is now into its fourteenth lap, and you know that if you are to succeed in freeing Kate you must get past these guards and storm the observation block before the race ends.
MCSPINDLE: Breaking the Law!
Brad: To your left you notice the open doorwar of an empty locker room and quickly you slip inside to avoid being seen by the two guards. In order to reach the observation room door you will have to deal with these guards as quickly and efficiently as possible. A glance into the corridor establishes their position before you act. Automatically, you check to see that your safety catch is set on 'Fire'. Then you take a deep breath as you get ready to make your move.
Rob: This gun shoots fire?!
MCSPINDLE: Jesus...
Rob: Use my pistol.
Brad: On a count of three you step out into the corridor, raise your pistol, and fix your sights on the guard who is standing to the left of the stairs. You fire a body shot and see him twist backwards, clutching his chest. Then you swing across to his partner, knowing only too well that you must make your second shot count just as effectively.
Rob: Which is why I choose now to do a behind the back shot!
Brad: But his reactions prove razor-sharp, and when you do get him in your sights you are shocked to find that you are staring at the muzzle of a machine pistol! In what is a split-second reaction, you throw yourself to the ground as the guard opens fire.
Brag: Protect me, ground!
Brad: It is a move that saves your life. Soft nosed bullets whistle past your head and ricochet off the walls as you struggle to bring your gun to bear once more. You squeeze off a snap shot and immediately the machine gun fire ceases as the guard, mortally wounded, keels over backwards and slumps to the ground. Now you are back on your feet and rushing forwards, but as you reach the iron staircase and begin to climb, you see the observation room door start to swing open.
MCSPINDLE: Everything okay?
Brag: How did you get...never mind.
MCSPINDLE: The CB? Remember?
Brad: Drawing on your reserves of nervous energy, you race up the last few steps and lash out at the door with the sole of your boot. The door flies wide open and slams against the wall, sending the red-headed clansman who was about to investigate the noise, sprawling flat on his back.
Rob: Phew, I was worried I just broke Kate's hand.
Brad: Inside the observation room you see two men - one dressed in a flamboyant mix of bright colours and the other attired in sombre black - seated at a table with a map of the United States spread before them. A muscular clansman, his chest criss-crossed with cartridge belts, stands behind the man in black and beyond him, huddled in the corner of the room, is Kate. Clearly she has suffered at the hands of Mad Dog Michigan and the sight of her bruised face and her pained, dispairing expression stirs you to a fit of rage.
Brag: She was fuckable before!
Brad: For a frozen moment the room is deathly quiet, then the man in black barks an order and the bullet-belted clansman rushes forward, drawing a wide-bladed bowie knife as he runs.
Brag: Alright, bring it on and then I'll take on...Alcatraz?!
Alcatraz: Phoenix?!
Brad: The clansman unsheathes his knife and slashes at your throat with a wide sweep of his tattooed arm. You duck beneath this vicious swipe, and before he can catch you with a back-handed slice, you drive your fist into his stomach.
Brag: Taste my fist, Anusdriver!
Brad: He doubles over and staggers back, but he ercovers quickly and springs forward with unexpected speed, his vice-like fingers scrabbling to get a grip on your neck.
RUNNING COMBAT:
Brag: Let's do this!
TO BE CONTINUED...
THE GREAT OUTDOORS CAN BE MURDER
Tucker & Dale Vs Evil is a hilariously gory, horror comedy, doing for killer rednecks what Shaun of the Dead did for zombies. Tucker and Dale (Alan Tudyk and Tyler Labine) are two best friends on vacation at their dilapidated mountain house, who are mistaken for murderous backwoods hillbillies by a group of obnoxious, preppy college kids. When one of the students gets separated from her friends, the boys try to lend a hand, but as the misunderstanding grows, so does the body count.
Tucker & Dale Vs Evil has been a hit on the festival circuit, debuting at Sundance, and winning the Midnight Audience Award at SXSW, the Jury Prize for First Feature at Fantasia, the Best Director award at Fantaspoa, and the Best Motion Picture Award at Sitges.
Thanks to our friends at Sony Pictures Home Entertainment, we've got three copies of Tucker & Dale Vs Evil on Blu-ray to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Friday 7th October, making sure to put "Tucker & Dale" as the subject. The first three entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a copy of this awesome movie!
Don't forget to put "Tucker & Dale" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.
Tucker & Dale Vs Evil is available from Monday 26th September, courtesy of Sony Pictures Home Entertainment.
Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.
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