Wednesday 27 July 2011

So You've Murdered Your Girlfriend...

First of all, relax. We’ve all been there before. Little things pile up, you say something in the heat of the moment, she snaps something back, things are said in anger, and before you know it you’re standing in the kitchen clutching a blood stained meat-tenderiser while your significant other lays spasming on the floor, the stench of her urine and fecal matter not exactly easing the tension. Maybe you’re driving home from a party where she’s been trying to pick a fight all night, you reach down into the door compartment and – in a moment of anger you know even then that you’re going to regret – jam a screwdriver into her eye. There’s a lot of screaming, and lot crying and – and this is part you’re probably going to need help with – a lot of cleaning up to do.

The first thing to do is, as always, not to panic. We’ve all got at least one person in our past that we’ve ended up deadering, and we’ve all had to deal with the aftermath in a mature and respectable way. The first thing to do, is to take stock of your surroundings.

If you’re camping, on a road trip, or other rural location, then burying the body in a shallow grave is usually a good place to start. The damp soil, detrivores and already decaying matter that makes up a large part of the soil should help to break down any evidence in just a few short weeks. Do make sure you pull out all of her teeth and remove the hands for burial in a separate location, though. Sure it’s extra work now, but it can delay the identification of a body for quite some time. Possibly indefinitely!

Are you by a lake, river, ocean or other body of water? If so, then there’s a very easy and effective method of corpse disposal that will cost you little more than a trip to B&Q. All you need is chicken wire. Before tying your ex-girlfriend to a large stone and dropping her in, why not first wrap the body in the chicken wire? Using this method, the chicken wire contains sufficiently large gaps to allow the fish and other creatures to feed on her festering corpse, but prevents any chunks from flaking off and drifting to the surface, causing undue attention.

Of course, you may be at home when the unfortunate incident occurs. Hopefully you have been fortunate enough to do away with the obnoxious split-arse in the kitchen or bathroom, where the linoleum floor will make tidying up afterwards considerably easier. Of course, you may have lucked out and only have wooden or laminate flooring – again, this makes for considerably easier cleaning.

Don’t be too disheartened if it’s all over the carpet, though. Getting bloodstains out of a carpet or soft furnishing is pretty easy. First, blot the stain with an absorbent cloth, doing your best not to spread it. Place small amount of a mild detergent on the stain and work it inward with a brush. Blot again with a clean white cloth.

Place a small amount of ammonia (use her piss from earlier if necessary) and let it sit for a few minutes to break down the stain. Spit works, also. Blot again with a dry, clean, white cloth, rinse with clean water. Blot a final time, and the stain should be gone.

So, that’s the blood taken care of. There now remains the bulk of the problem.

In the olden days, it used to be a case of lugging the corpse down to the end of the garden in the middle of the night, followed by hours of digging (possibly in the torrential rain), and the end result was always little dissatisfying. There’d be a massive mound of disturbed earth, and it would only take a curious fox or some other night visitor before you’d have half a leg sticking out.

Thankfully, these days, there are much easier ways to get rid of the corpse of your ex-girlfriend. The easiest way would be to use sulphuric acid in at least an 80% concentration. This will dissolve most parts of the body, leaving some of the bones, which can be disposed on in a river or at the end of the garden in the usual way.

A considerably harder but much more fun way of melting a corpse away is through the use of thermite. What’s more, thermite is mind-bogglingly easy to make. Head down to your local art shop and pick up some aluminium powder and some powdered iron oxide – if asked say that you’re using it for mixing paints. You can also pick up some play-doh or Fimo if you intend to mould into into a PE, but that won’t really be necessary. On your way back find somewhere that sells fireworks and pick up some hand-held sparklers.

Make the thermite by mixing eight grams of iron oxide to every three grams of aluminium. Mix as thoroughly as you can. Visually, it should look like a 50/50 mix.

Thermite can reach temperatures of as high as 2,500°C, but it does have a very high ignition temperature, which is where the sparkler comes in. Burning magnesium will give you the ignition point you need! So simply cover the loud mouthed, nagging bint in your rust and aluminium compound, spark up a Cuban and burn your troubles away.

Have you got a better way of disposing of a corpse? Why not tell us in the comments?

Words: Brad Harmer
You can become Brad's "friend" on Facebook, or you can "follow" him on Twitter. Depends how creepy you want to sound really.

1 comment:

  1. Biological washing powder at 40 degrees will apparently strip a corpse to the bones very quickly and efficiently. It also smells better than an acid bath.

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