Friday 11 March 2011

Wrestling World of Wrestling

Whilst tidying up the basement of the E14 Office one day, wrestling correspondent Omer Ibrahim and general office layabout Brad Harmer stumbled upon what appeared to be a large gateway, carved out of obsidian or possibly black marble. After dusting it down and playing around for a little while, the boys (with the assistance of their mechanic - E14ie Kelly Prior) managed to figure out what the buggery it was. It was a Time Gate.

The user manual, written in Ancient Helliwigian indicated only three limitations:

1) The Time Gate cannot be used for more than three hours at a time.
2) The Time Gate can only bring people through, and send them back. It cannot send anyone from this end through time.
3) The Time Gate only works on pro-wrestlers.

Faced with their fantastic new discovery, Brad and Omer snuck a wrestling ring, commentator desk, Titantron and television crew into the basement and set out to achieve what anyone else would try and achieve were they in their shoes: to establish a pro-wrestling federation spanning space and time. And to avoid getting found out by Rob. He hates slackers.

Omer: Good evening, everyone, and welcome to Wrestling World of Wrestling! We're hitting the ground running tonight with some amazing cruiserweight action!
Brad: We sure are. Our first event this evening is a four way between "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka, Ricky "The Steamboat" Dragonfirearmdragfire...
Omer: Dick Blood.
Brad: ...versus "The Phenomenal One" AJ Styles...versus, um...due to an adminstrative error...Giant Haystacks.
Omer: He'll basically be the fifth turnbuckle in this match.

Snuka comes off the ropes, nailing Styles with an eye gouge.
Omer: A running eye-gouge? Off the ropes? That's insane!
Brad: Haystacks is still on the outside.
Omer: He can't fit through the ropes. Oh, for fuck's sake...
AJ hits a facelock on Snuka. Haystacks rushes towards Styles.
Omer: What? He's never rushed in his life!
AJ goes for a leapfrog on Haystacks. Haystacks counters with an eyegouge.
Brad: This is an unusually eye-gouge heavy match.
Omer: It's the only move Haystacks can do without having to lift his arms above ninety degrees.
Haystacks lifts Snuka for a powerslam, Snuka escapes and hits a shoulder tackle, followed by a backbreaker on Haystacks!
Brad: How?
Omer: Why?
Snuka kicks Haystacks in the stomach, goes for a kicks out!

Snuka turns his attention on Steamboat. He takes him down and goes for the Superfly splash! Steamboat kicks out!

AJ throws Steamboat out of the ring, turns and hits a snap suplex on Snuka. Styles hits a springboard dropkick...Snuka kicks out.

Haystacks rushes the ring and a huge brawl breaks out! When the dust has cleared, Haystacks has Snuka in the turnbuckle, and smashes him with a series of shoulder barges and a really lazy, lumbering clothesline. Snuka eventually powers his way out with an amazing series of chops! Steamboat and Styles eventually pair up and Styles hits a standing dropkick which sends Snuka reeling, followed by an epic clothesline.

Brad: I'm always a little disappointed when these turn into a good match, aren't you?
Omer: I know what you mean.
Brad: Haystacks and Snuka are squaring up!
Omer: Well, there's no possible way this can be shit...
Snuka slams Haystacks into the floor, and hits the Superfly Leap! One...two...THREE!
Brad: You're watching Wrestling World of Wrestling: All Fat Northern British Wrestlers Thrown Into Cruiserweight Matches For No Explicable Reason...
Omer: ...All The Time!
Brad: Okay, it's Tag-Team action up next as The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff team up against Team ECW: The Sandman and Terry Funk.
Omer: Terry Funk has a score to settle here after The Iron Sheik humiliated him last time. Volkoff and The Sandman are the starting men here...let's ring the bell!

Volkoff headbutts Sandman, hits an eye rake.
Brad: We're seeing some dirty fighting here, right away.
Omer: What exactly were you expecting to happen?
Volkoff hits a hard shoulder tackle. Sandman is straight back up and hits the Heinecanrana. Volkoff gets nailed with a backdrop.
Brad: The Sandman stomping a mudhole in him like a poor man's knock off of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.
Sandman goes for a spinning elbow, but Volkoff ducks out the way and throws him to the turnbuckle. He goes for a running shoulder charge, but The Sandman raises an elbow and smacks him in his Russian face. The Sandman throws Volkoff out of the ring. He follows, but Volkoff recovers and nails The Sandman with a steel chair! The referee is waving his arms! Volkoff has been disqualified!
Omer: Iron Sheik never even got in the ring...what a lazy git. Well, Nikolai and the Sheik have been disqualified...the Sheik turned chicken here, keeping away from Funk as much as possible.
Brad: He sure did.
Omer: The big dirty Iranian.
Brad: You're watching Wrestling World of Wrestling: All Shark Boy, All the Time!

"The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase: That's right, it's me and I'm here in the greatest wrestling company in the world: Wrestling World of Wrestling! And I'm here to tell you guys about something very exciting. My son is coming to Wrestling World of Wrestling, too! That's right! He's coming and we're going to be running this show, now!
Brad: Okay, it's dream match time here at Wrestling World of Wrestling...
Omer: As opposed to the nightmares we usually set up.
Brad: We've got "The Fallen Angel" Christopher Daniels up against "The Nature Boy" Buddy Rogers.
Omer: Buddy Rogers isn't just a great name. It's also a great sentence.
Brad: He sure does.
Omer: Rogers has probably got the strength advantage here; he's a very big man. He's only an 1" taller than Daniels, but there's a strength factor there than Daniels is lacking.
Brad: Daniels will certainly have the high-flying advantage, though.
Omer: Probably, but they're both in the cruiseweight category. Rogers isn't actually that heavy. He's only 2 lbs above the Junior Heavyweight bracket.
Brad: What do you think of Ted diBiase turning up earlier? I mean, we didn't even have the Time Gate turned on at the time...
Omer: Well, he obviously wanted to make an impact here. I mean, we can't know everything that's going to happen on WWOW. He's obviously sending a message about the arrival of his son. That'll be interesting to see.
Brad: Do we know what his son's name?
Omer: Um...
Brad: ...
Omer: Son?
Brad: His son's name is "Son"?
Omer: Yeah.
Brad: Right.
Omer: Sonny DiBiase. The Forty Dollar Man. Tesco Value DiBiase.
Brad: Well, the bell's about to ring, gratefully heralding the end of this conversation...

Daniels takes the advantage, whipping Rogers into the ropes. Rogers nails a shoulder tackle to take the initiative, and nails Daniels with a series of dropkicks. He goes for a kicks out.
Omer: That was close.
Brad: Yeah, that was nearly a three. Daniels may have underestimated his opponent.
Rogers hits an atomic drop, Daniels in straight back up and hits an enzuguri, followed by an Arabian Press.

Omer: Rogers fights his way back up and nails a kick to the mid-section.
Brad: You mean "bollocks", right?
Rogers takes Daniels to the turnbuckle, hits a shoulderblock, over the other turnbuckle...Daniels counters and whips him back to the first turnbuckle again!
Omer: Massive whipping session here.
Brad: That sounds deviant.
Daniels follows up with the Angel kicks out!

Daniels hits a Springboard plancha.
Omer: Rogers is in a bad way.
Brad: Daniels is going back up top...the referee is trying to stop him...
Omer: Daniels the top...flying knee drop. He's going back up again! The referee really doesn't look happy.
Daniels hits the Last kicks out!

Roger gets up and hits a piledriver, followed by an atomic drop...goes for a pin: one...two...Daniels kicks out...straight into a another kicks out!
Brad: It's at times like this that I'm quite proud of the time machine.
Omer: There's a sentence that can't come up all that often.
Daniels nails the Angel's Wings on! Daniels wins!
Brad: It just goes to show what I've always said: modern wrestlers are better than old wrestlers.
Omer: Totally. They know moves and shit.
Brad: Yup. Rogers is just an old fat man.
Omer: Is Rogers still alive? In our time, I mean.
Brad: Probably.
Omer: It's time for the Shark Boy match of the week!

Brad: This could work.
Omer: No, it couldn't.
Shark Boy gets the initiative and goes to lock up, but Luger just punches him in the face.
Omer: Luger isn't taking any shit.
Brad: That classic straight-style coming into play.
Luger locks in a headlock, Shark Boy counters with a falling face-breaker.
Brad: What is a facebreaker, exactly?
Omer: Like that.
Brad: Great. I feel sorry for anyone who can see this and just has to put up with the transcript of your commentary.
Omer: Two men are fighting.
Brad: Dick.

Shark Boy bites Luger on the bum. Luger takes none of this shit and Luger...
Brad: ...hits him with a Powerslam.
Omer: What? He criticises everything that isn't Japanese?
Luger whips him into ropes, Shark Boy slides between his legs and bites him on the bottom. Shark Boy tries to get him in an armdrag, but Luger doesn't budge and powerslams Shark Boy.
Brad: Luger hits a vertical suplex. Which is nice, as a horizontal suplex would be weird.
Shark Boy hits an armringer, but Luger nails another suplex before locking in a bear hug.
Omer: Why would you leave the ring just to hug a bear? Good god, what's wrong with this man?!
Luger goes up top, hits a cross body Boy kicks out.
Omer: I wasn't expecting Luger to go up top.
Brad: Well, that's what you get in Wrestling World of Wrestling. You have to expect the unexpec...he's going up top again!
Omer: Crazy, crazy man.
Luger tries a falling knee-drop, but Shark Boy moves out of the way. Luger looks hurt. Shark Boy goes for a kicks out!
Omer: Wow...just barely. I thought he had him there.
Shark Boy climbs the turnbuckle. The referee tries to stop him, but Shark Boy won't listen and nails Luger with a knee-drop. Shark Boy takes him to the turnbuckle and goes for the mounted ten-punch, but Luger punches his way out!

Luger locks in the Human Torture Rack! Shark Boy powers out. Luger hits a jumping elbow drop.
Omer: Shark Boy's back is aching from that Torture Rack!
Luger challenges Shark Boy to a test of strength and loses! Shark Boy nails the falling face breaker, and bites Luger's ass! Luger pulls back the initiative and hits a vertical suplex! Goes for a!
Brad: A strangely disappointing finish.
Omer: We knew that Shark Boy was probably going to fall eventually, but I thought he'd put up more of a fight towards the end.
Brad: How are you feeling about the Jushin Liger vs The Undertaker match that's coming up later?
Omer: Pretty excited, actually. It's a clash that's never happened before. The Undertaker is in his second prime, but I think Liger probably has an experience advantage. He invented moves that The Undertaker can't even do. It should be a good fight.

Jushin "Thunder" Liger:
Oh, yes! Liger, liger, liger! Very happy!
Brad: Bless him...
Omer: There's more going on backstage, folks!
Brad: What the fuck? Is Russo booking tonight?
Kevin Nash:
That's right, Big Sexy's here at Wrestling World of Wrestling. I need money.
Brad: Here come the two giants of WWOW, Giant Baba and Andre the Giant taking on the dream team of Kurt Angle and Bret Hart.
Omer: Kurt Angle, the Olympic gold medallist and Bret the...uh...Canadian.
Brad: Kurt's hair still hasn't grown back after that devastating hair vs hair match.

Giant Baba and Bret Hart start in the ring. Giant Baba hits an armbreaker, but Bret gets a sneaky schoolboy in...but Baba kicks out easily.

Bret hits a piledriver and goes for a!
Omer: Wow.I think we're all disappointed with that result. Still a good result for Angle and Bret...although we've got to say that I think that could go to Bret's head. He could think he's the stronger man of the team, and there's already some discord in the Dream Team after the last show.
Brad: I think the lesson here is that you don't mess with Bret Hart.
Omer: Wait, what's this?
Brad: Bret has just nailed Giant Baba with two backbreakers! What the hell?
Omer: The referees have separated them, but Giant Baba is receiving medical attention out here...What could have prompted such a vicious assault?
Brad: Maybe they just don't like each other.
Omer: True. Maybe wrestler don't get on in real life.
Brad: In the wild. The Giants of WWOW...
Omer: ...have been toppled.
Brad: I was going to say "are fail", but that works. Now, it's our main event of the evening as The Undertaker takes on Jushin "Thunder" Liger.
Omer: Here's our Japanese announcer to announce Liger...
Announcer: Juuushinoo Thunderreea Ligarr!
Omer: I love Japanese announcers.
Brad: See, I know what thunder is, and I know what a liger is...where does the Jushin come from?
Omer: I don't know.
Brad: Is it just a type-o for "Justin"?
Omer: You know, I think it is.

'Taker starts off with a running shoulder tackle, Liger ducks out of the way and whips 'Taker into the turnbuckle. 'Taker reverses and throws Liger in his place, Liger fights his way out and hits a fisherman buster. 'Taker rolls outside of the ring.
Brad: That's pretty cowardly for The Undertaker.
'Taker crawls back in and Liger nails a sleeper hold, he keeps it in for a while, but 'Taker counters with a two-handed choke. Liger's in a bad way so the Dead Man goes for a kicks out.

'Taker nails a chokeslam. Liger fights to his feet, bounces off the ropes and hits a rolling koppou kick. 'Taker brushes it off and whips Liger into the ropes...Liger takes him down with a massive clothesline, runs up the turnbuckle and hits the shooting star press!
Omer: Nice!
The ref is'Taker powers out!

Liger pulls 'Taker to his feet and hits the Liger Bomb.
Brad: Wait, what's this?
Omer: The Great Muta has come running in to make the save!
Liger spots Muta and manages to catch him as he runs in, and smashes Muta and 'Taker's heads together. Liger goes for a pin on ''Taker powers out!

Liger hits a shooting star'Taker kicks out!

Liger his a second Liger'Taker kicks out!
Omer: 'Taker's doing that thing where he constantly sits up.
Liger goes up top. 'Taker gets to his feet. Liger hits a flying cross body and goes for a'Taker kicks out!
Brad: Liger can't get a break tonight. He's hit him with everything he's comes a flying headbutt!
Omer: Liger's looking frustrated for sure. Here comes another Liger Bomb!
One...two...THREE! Jushin Liger wins the match!
Brad: Liger's looking to be the hero of WWOW.
Omer: I think Liger is a superhero. He just beat The Undertaker and The Great Muta.
Brad: That was specatacular.
Omer: Until next time, guys, this has been Wrestling World of Wrestling - We Makea You Humble!

JIMMY SNUKA defeated Ricky Steamboat, AJ Styles and Giant Haystacks (pin via Superfly Leap on Giant Haystacks)
THE SANDMAN & TERRY FUNK defeated Nikolai Volkoff & The Iron Sheik (disqualification)
CHRISTOPHER DANIELS defeated Buddy Rogers (pin via Angel Wings)
LEX LUGER defeated Shark Boy (pin via vertical suplex)
KURT ANGLE & BRET HART defeated THE GIANTS (Bret Hart pinned Giant Baba via piledriver)
JUSHIN LIGER defeated The Undertaker (pin via Liger Bomb)

Words: Brad Harmer & Omer Ibrahim. Match results generated using Filsinger Games' Legends of Wrestling game system. This is a work of parody and none of the wrestlers mentioned are involved with or endorse this series.


Five teenage friends - including rookie pilot Sara (Jessica Lowndes) - rent a small plane for a weekend getaway. But shortly into the flight, something suddenly goes wrong. The instruments begin to malfunction. The plane won't stop climbing. A storm is closing in and fuel is running out.

Now for everyone on board, the true horror has just begun: A mysterious force wants them all to die...and only one of them has the power to stop it. Julianna Guill (Friday The 13th), Ryan Donowho (Bandslam), Landon Liboiron and Jake Weary co-star in this white-knuckle shocker directed by award-winning graphic novelist Kaare Andrews (Spider-Man: Reign) that takes the supernatural to terrifying new heights.

Thanks to our friends at Anchor Bay Entertainment, we've got five copies of Altitude on DVD to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to before midday on Friday 18th March, making sure to put "Altitude" as the subject. The first entry out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a free copy!

Don't forget to put "Altitude" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

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