Monday 9 November 2009

Technology we can do without

This week, E14 takes a look at technological advances which are really...well, unnecessary.

HEELIES(Shoes with wheels in the heels)

I have NEVER understood the point of these fucking shoes. I vaguely recall the circumstances in which I discovered them. I was walking along a typically normal high street, and suddenly I noticed a young child gliding effortlessly along the floor. "Praise be to God" I thought, "there is a messiah amongst us!" My thoughts, in hindsight, were evidently that this child was sort of a modern-day messiah, someone who could walk along pavements without actually walking on them (because of course, what's the point of walking on water when everything cool like France and the US is fucking miles away, and ferries are so cheap?)

Of course, after a lengthy discussion, involving animated parents and a restraining order, I was convinced that this child, far from being the messiah, was wearing the devil on his feet. Still, as Thursdays go, I've had worse. It didn't take long, however, for the shoes to pop up literally everywhere. I couldn't walk through a shopping centre on a Saturday without almost being bowled over by some little arsehole rolling on by.

Ultimately, my issue with them is that once they start rolling around on a regular basis, they become a lot like the majority of cyclists I've ever dealt with: same sense of superiority and feeling like they own the pavement. I live in Brighton now, which is not so bad for cyclists because it has plenty of cycle lanes clearly marked, but when I lived in Chatham it was murder. Well, attempted murder, but luckily I escaped on a technicality.


Personally, I'm of the impression that technology like this is all well and good. Fingerprint scanners as a concept are fine, and cause me no problems in terms of logistics. However, on a laptop it seems like overkill. The whole idea of a fingerprint scanner is that it supposedly provides ultimate security due to the unlikelihood of someone having the same fingerprint as you (I keep hearing that no two are alike, but I find it hard to believe that this is entirely true). But then aren't koalas' fingerprints supposed to be almost identical to ours in terms of layout anyway? What's to stop a rogue cell of Al-Qaeda sympathising koalas staging an armed coup, in order to gain the world's supply of eucalyptus leaves for themselves? No laptop will be safe!

Besides which, no laptop is going to be that safe for two reasons anyway. Firstly, the general type of person buying a laptop with a fingerprint scanner is NOT the next James Bond, it's a first-year student spending their loan money on it and wearing out the nub by running their finger over it every five seconds for six months. Secondly, if you ARE a secret agent, and people are that determined to find out your information, it will be ten times easier to access your files after cutting your finger off this way. You'll have either taken the laptop with you, or if you're a typical British secret agent, you'll have left it on the train.


Laser guided scissors, apparently, are designed to help people cut more precisely when they are cutting something. Now, I'm no technical expert, but I figured that the entire point of scissors being straight was so that you could get your bearings while cutting, thus making the cut straight. Besides which, the whole point of something being laser-guided is that you know where it's going. Now, if as the picture suggests the laser is simply pointing in front of the scissors, that's a pretty retarded invention.

Having them pointing just in front of the tips is not going to help one iota in terms of making your cut more accurate. All it does is make you look like a douchebag. Seriously, you'd be better off sticking a spirit level on them. It won't do any good, but at least you won't be under any illusions that it is helping in the slightest. Besides, spirit levels look way cooler than lasers anyway, I think it's the goldfish fart bubble in there.

Surely if you wanted something to be laser-guided for maximum accuracy, you'd want to go for something a bit more impressive. How about a laser guided cougar?


  1. Oh, I NEED a laser guided cougar!

  2. I can still remember the first time I saw those wheelie shoes in action: my niece glided smoothly past me with no evident movement of her feet. Talk about boggled! I still chuckle to think of it. ;)

  3. 1) Wheely shoes can be a source of humour.. watch them little bastards try and use them over cobbled streets. i tell you them victorians were not only inovative, but also saw the future. with the installation of cobbles, not only had they made our streets durable..but they made them a wheely free zone..

    however, if the kid insists on using them on the pavements, then im sure there is some kinda legal paperwork meaning that you are able to clotheline them.. imagine if pro-wrestlers had them.. they'd make matches a bit more interesting..

    back to the point. these wheely shoes are the excuse to clotheline kids.. fucking let rip.

    Laser guided scissors.. face it.. we'd remove the laser and upgrade various househouse items, like tv remotes, car keys with locking devices, fuck it,, im sure you can attach one to the base of your penis and give yourself laser guided sexual intercourse...