Friday 6 November 2009

Shitty Box Art Round-Up: Imagine Special

Imagine: My Boutique

Brad: Is she pregnant?
Rob: I think it's just the top. She's got a weird shaped face.
Brad: What is the technical definition of a boutique, anyway?
Rob: I don't know. I know a boudoir is a bedroom.
Brad: Going by the picture on the left, if means "toy shop", and by the one on the right "bordello". Scarily the middle ground there is "Fleshlight shop". Maybe that's what she's packaging.
Rob: Entirely possible, I suppose. Why does she have a little pot of marshmallows?
Brad: It's the gay Shoggoth behind her that is more concerning.
Rob: Dude, those are flowers...
Brad: I get them confused. Score for this one?
Rob: 6/10
Brad: 3/10

Imagine: Pet Vet

Brad: I can only assume they specified "Pet Vet", to differentiate between that and the forthcoming "Vietnam Vet".
Rob: Why would you want a Pet Vet? I can't imagine they're low maintenance. Wanting funding for their courses and whatnot.
Brad: The mini-games on this write themselves. Horse birthing. Hamster euthenising. Debit card processing.
Rob: Glue making...Well, it interacts with Pippa Funnell
Brad: All these imagine games are very girl-centric aren't they? Can you get Imagine: Dominatrix?
Rob: Surely if you could, you'd have been forced to buy it by now? Not you, personally.
Brad: Imagine: Teenage Mum. Imagine: Lindsay Lohan. Imagine: Sales Assistant In Greggs. That's in order of prestige.
Rob: You have a problem with Gregg's?
Brad: I have several niggling problems with Gregg's, but nothing that stops me from shopping there. Do you have a problem with Gregg's then?
Rob: Not at all, I like Gregg's. Well, "like" is a strong word. I eat stuff from there occasionally, in the absence of either money or time.
Brad: It's the idiocy of the staff get me. Firstly, there is no acceptable serving time that should cause a queue to extend outside of the shop, when all you sell is pies. Secondly, I have actually had to say this to a Greggs sales assistant word-for-word: "Look, this is the third time this has happened. How on earth does "Bacon and Cheese Turnover" sound anything like "Steak Bake"?".
Rob: Awesome.
Brad: Holy shit! That dog has two heads!
Rob: Is that the one from Harry Potter?
Brad: Orlando Bloom?
Rob: No, that's Emma Wa...never mind. On a completely unrelated note, would you rate the vet in this picture?
Brad: I guess so. I always go for "consensual" first, though.
Rob: I can't work out whether i do or not. I think it's because she doesn't seem to have any bottom teeth.
Brad: Score for this one?
Rob: 5/10. I can't trust someone with no bottom teeth. And if I can't trust them, I'd sooner my puppy died.
Brad: 10/10
Rob: Why 10?
Brad: You haven't got a handle on the way I work yet?

Imagine: Baby Club

Rob: I wonder what the second rule of Baby Club is.
Brad: Imagine this game made by Rockstar.
Rob: I like the fact the kid on the right seems to be eating himself
Brad: What can this game possibly be?
Rob: Have you ever played Diner Dash, or any of those time management games?
Brad: Root Beer Tapper?
Rob: Yeah, that'll do. That, but with babies.
Brad: This is going to be really faeces heavy, isn't it?
Rob: I have that feeling, but it'll be a cutesified version. I mean, have you ever seen a pokemon take a shit? You take them all around the world for eighty game hours, and not once do they curl one out.
Brad: These sort of games are only fun when you completely lose it and decide to fuck with the characters as much as possible. Like making your Sim piss herself out of spite.
Rob: I lost count of how many times I did something like that. I locked one of my Sims in a 1x1 room and let them starve. Then there was the cooker incident...
Brad: EA can say what they like - that is the most satusfying bit about the Sims. If I played this, it would be the biggest baby massacre since Revenge of the Sith.
Rob: Brad, you're a good person, don't do this...I kid, you're a prick.
Brad: Imagine: Darth Vader is a game I would play the shit out of. 15 exciting mini-games! Kill kids! Blow up planets! Make out with Padme! The other 12 are just variations on those themes - as with all mini-game compilations.
Rob: Make out with planets! Blow up kids!
Brad and Rob: Kill Padme!
Brad: Score for this one?
Rob: 7/10
Brad: 1/10
Rob: Dude, we're not reviewing Imagine: Darth Vader, you do know that right?
Brad: I haven't rolled any 10s for a long time. This is just averaging out, I guess.

Imagine: Dream Weddings

Brad: The game is that you dream about weddings? That's pretty exitensialist.
Rob: For a wedding planner, she doesn't seem to have brought enough paper. "Right, so...I can't say for certain, I don't have my notes with me, but I'm sure you ordered the Tigger cake."
Brad: "You wanted GWAR for the reception, right?"...How does one become a wedding planner, anyway?
Rob: I honestly have no idea. I don't know anybody who does anything like that, do you?
Brad: More to the point, how do you go about convincing potential clients that they need you at all? I mean, weddings predate wedding planners.
Rob: Have you seen a TV show called Don't Tell the Bride?
Brad: I've seen The Princess Bride. Is that close enough?
Rob: Not in the slighest. In this show, the groom is left to plan the entire thing on a budget of £12,000. The bride can't know anything. Trust me, there is still a need for wedding planners, given the results of some of these blokes' endeavours. I saw one guy send his fiancee out on a hen night, and not leave enough money for the meal.
Brad: I could do better than that...Girls like tanks, right?
Rob: How much of your 12k would be left at that rate?
Brad: Depends. How many tanks do girls like? Score for this one?
Rob: 2/10 - which, incidentally, is how many tanks girls can like.
Brad: 1/10

Imagine: Happy Cooking

Brad: Because Imagine: Miserable Laundry and Imagine: Ambivalent Grouting never caught on.
Rob: I've never seen a building one, come to think of it.
Brad: Do you recognise her?
Rob: Should I?
Brad: I think it's the vet.
Rob: Nooooo...The vet had a straighter face. Longer too i think.
Brad: Fair enough.
Rob: I was in two minds about the hotness of the vet.
Brad: And this one?
Rob: She seems more baggable.
Brad: She's one of those people whose ages are hard to judge. I think she's somewhere fifteen and thirty-two.
Rob: I'd say probably early twenties.
Brad: On average, yeah...Score for this one? 3/10
Rob: 3/10 for me, too.
Brad: Here's one for the boys:

Imagine: Modern Dancer

Brad: See, on Wii, I can see this working...but not on DS, surely?
Rob: So you do what? The scene from Flashdance?
Brad: With a stylus?
Rob: According to a reader review "the storyline is lame". I'm trying to contain my amazement...Contained.
Brad: And is Flashdance really "modern" anymore? It must be over twenty-five years old.
Rob: That old? really?
Brad: 1983, apparently.
Rob: Jesus! That's as old as Return of the Jedi!

Brad: She's wearing the costume from the gym sequence of the Hit Me Baby One More Time video.
Rob: The sad thing is that she looks ever so slightly like Jamie Cullum
Brad: I was concerned that might be somewhat obscure, but I'm willing to bet all the girls reading this have made dance routines to it, and all the guys have jerked off to it. The Britney video, that is. Not Jamie Cullum.
Rob: Obviously. Still, Twentysomething FTW.
Rob: I saw Jamie Cullum on TV the other week, and my first reaction was "Wow...Pete Docherty's really cleaned himself up.". Score for this one?
Rob: 6/10
Brad: 4/10

1 comment:

  1. Brad: Depends. How many tanks do girls like? Score for this one?
    Rob: 2/10 - which, incidentally, is how many tanks girls can like.

    I've yet to see a design of tank that I don't like. I've never seen a pink one, though, so I can foresee that there might be one...