Friday 27 November 2009

Dickass DM

A few months ago, Brad and Rob began an experiment that they referred to as The Dickass DM, in which Rob would attempt to play through the Fighting Fantasy gamebook Starship Traveller as if it were an actual table-top RPG.

Read Part One Here
Read Part Two Here
Read Part Three Here

Previously on Dickass DM: Captain Braggart and the crew of the Starship Traveller have been sucked through a black hole known as The Seltsian Void, winding up in places unknown. After several red-shirt maiming adventures, they find themselves on a strange, drizzly planet, promising to investigate an ominous figure known as "The Rain Lord".

Brad: The alien gives you directions, and you head off towards the Rain Lord's castle. After about fifteen minutes, you spot a large building in the distance, and it takes you another fifteen minutes or so to reach it. Obviously a thirty minute walk for you would seem like an epic journey to those, frankly, stumpy aliens.
Rob: I've got long legs, though. It'd probably only take me twelve or so.
Brad: Reaching the gate, an armed guard bars the way.

Captain Braggart: Greetings Simpleton, we are foreigners who speak English.

Brad: Seeing you, the guard rushes into action. Raising its head, it lets out a shrill whistle. Several aliens surround you with weapons pointed. You decide that bravely and boldy surrendering is your best option.

Captain Braggart: Parlez-vous Basic? Sprechen sie Galactic Standard Language?

Brad: You are escorted towards the keep of the castle. When you explain that you want to see The Rain Lord, one of the guards scurries off and scurries back again a moment later. Another group of guards arrives to take you into the keep.

Captain Braggart: Io quiero sabatos, por favor!
Brad: As you enter, your eyes widen. You are not in the hall or stateroom that you had been expecting, but are instead in a giant computer complex. The walls are covered in complicated switches, dials and gauges.

Captain Braggart: Dios Mio!

Brad: A human figure sits in a small chair flanked by keyboards. He turns to face you as you come in.

Small Man: Aha - our intruders! Perhaps they may be able to help with our little problem.
Captain Braggart: Little's about right...I mean...No hablo ingles...
Small Man: My name is Bran-Sel.

Rob: That sounds like a cereal.
Brad: Made by Virgin.

Captain Braggart: My name is Captain Major Braggart. I have come from a galaxy far far away. You should have seen what that was like a while back. Erm...I am a great space hero. I own many...leather bound books. My quarters are adequate for my purposes, and I probably wouldn't even use more space if I had it. I enjoy spaghetti, long walks on the beach and Saffron. I'm just mad about Saffron...
Clank: Basically, we fell into a big black swirly thing in space. The Captain sent many of our finest men to their deaths amongst loads of spinning rocks. After that, the Science Officer drank some strange water and had to be kicked in for a while. Then there was a planet of killer robots. We accidentally pushed the population too high, and they all paid the price of our trangressions. Then we found some strange midgets and they brought us here.
Bran-Sel: I may be able to help, if you are able to help me first. Many years ago, I was an interstellar trader, carrying a cargo of sophisticated planet control computers to Gleena-3 in another sector of the galaxy. My warp drive failed, and I was forced into orbit around this planet.
Captain Braggart: Surely if a computer controlled a planet, you'd only need one? Do the others supervise?
Bran-Sel: I was able to contact Galeea-3 to explain the delay, but they had no time for lame excuses, and cancelled the order. So, there I was with a massive cargo and no buyer. I would have faced financial ruin if I returned home, so I stayed here.
Captain Braggart: Are you just ignoring my questions?
Bran-Sel: I'm sorry, Captain Clank, could you control your underling?
Captain Braggart: How big are the hippos here?
Bran-Sel: Due to my superior knowledge, the natives worshipped me as a god-like-being that I refer to as a "God". They built me this castle that I could set-up the planet control equipment in.
Captain Braggart: How long does the average game of Crazy Golf last on this planet?
Clank: (to Braggart) Quiet, you!
Bran-Sel: Since then, I have acted as a God, and a benevolent one, if I do say so myself.
Captain Braggart: Have you decorated this room recently? It's just lovely.
Bran-Sel: However, some time ago, I discovered a flaw in the weather control system, and I've lost all control of the weather.As the weather was initially very damp, I'm afraid that all the rain reserves had built up, hence the downpour.
Captain Braggart: Why isn't there uppour?
Bra-Sel: The others are back-up computers, mostly used for my extensive collection of Warez. No, I have not been ignoring them, I was simply queueing them until I could answer them. They are, on average, about 48 mm long, and very cute for it. If I'm playing, it's over in seconds, bitch. Why, thank you; I tried to open the space up a little with that feature wall.
Captain Braggart: And my final question?
Bran-Sel: There's no uppour, because there is no such thing.
Captain Braggart: Well met, noble dwarf. Praise be to Moria.
Crank: Wow...he's wise. *hic* Ensign Braggart, massage his feet!
Bran-Sel: If you have a knowledge of Planet Control Systems, and can help me get back control of the weather, I am sure the computer's knowledge of astronomy will be able to help you get back to your own universe.
Captain Braggart: (on communicator) McSpindle? Any chance you can offer us some assistance? We're working alongside a midget. Well, I say alongside, I mean alongside and slightly above...

Brad: Science Officer McSpindle beams down, with a slightly smug expression on his face.

McSpindle: Drinky and the Cave Troll no use here?
Captain Braggart: If you fuck this up, you're working in the canteen for a week.

Brad: McSpindle takes a dump.
Rob: Right...
Brad: Of the weather control program back to the ship for analysis.
Rob: Ah. Clever
Brad: It is in a strange language, but your computer is able to gain some insight into its logic patterns. McSpindle alters it slightly and runs the modified program. Within a few moments, the rain dies down.

McSpindle: Sire? Science Officer McSpindle For The Win, Sir.
Captain Braggart: Fine, but next time you fuck something up, you're dishing out the Turkey Drummers pal.

Brad: Bran-sel is delighted and offers to use his computer to search for a suitable black hole for you to travel back home. The computer locates several such black holes. It cannot distinguish between them, but tells you you will need to travel towards them at Warp 3 to break through. You thank Bran-Sel for his help, and energise back to the ship.

Captain Braggart: Cheers.

Brad: You probe.
Rob: Is this a new insult that I'm unfamiliar with?
Brad: With your scanners for destinations and find an interesting looking red planet that you head towards. En route, you come towards a grey you want to investigate this, or head to the original destinateion?

Captain Braggart: Mmmm, something about that grey planet seems....insignificant. Take us there! I crave monotony!
McSpindle: Um...wasn't the last planet mostly midgets and drizzle?
Captain Braggart: Aren't you dead yet?

Brad: The planet has no life signs, but the scanners detect some activity - possibly mechanical. You send a party out in a recon plane to examine the situation. They pilot to the area of the activity, and land. It's a very barren planet, but not far from where they set down, they find a crashed scout ship - unlike any they can identify.

Captain Braggart: We have only seen two ships ever. Investigate further.

Brad: They find no signs of the pilot. Perhaps he died of old age, or was killed in the crash. An automated radio signal, presumably some kind of mayday, is being broadcast. Finding nothing else, the crew return to the plane, and come back to the ship.

McSpindle: I hope none of them drank anything. That never goes well for anyone.
Captain Braggart: True, there was that guy who got that kicking...

Brad: Landing the plane back aboard the ship, the crew head to the briefing room to report to you. As they being to give their report, you are interrupted by an important message.
Rob: "Hello Dave..."

Clank: Captain! We have lost three of the engineering personell responsible for docking the recon plane. They're all dead.
Captain Braggart: What the fuck do you mean 'you've lost them'? How fucking careless are you to lose three people?"
Clank: They're dead, Dave. What are your orders?
Captain Braggart: No Subway runs during crisis time, this is your last warning!

Rob: I enforce a quarantine.
Brad: The landing party are rushed off to the Medical Bay, but they appear to be healthy. Three more engineering personell have dropped dead, however.

McSpindle: I have a suggestion, cockface.
Captain Braggart: Try me.
McSpindle: I suggest we seal off the docking bay, as it appears a poison of some kind was brought back on the plane. The landing part were unaffected as they were wearing Extra Vehicular Activity suits.
Captain Braggart: Good idea, McS. If we make it back to our universe, I'm recommending you to be my official bitch!
McSpindle: Yes, My lord.

Brad: You also have the engineering levels that have been affected sealed off.
Rob: God, I'm good.
Brad: Once the affected area is sealed off, no further deaths are reported.

Captain Braggart: That's a relief, I'd hate to use all my crime scene tape for nothing.

Brad: Using an Extra Vehicular Activity suit, Medical Officer Wheezy examines the body of one of the victims.

Wheezy: Have I even been in this before?
Captain Braggart: In what?
Wheezy: In this show so far? Is this the first episode I'm in?

Rob: Is he the drunk?

Clank: I thought that was me.
Captain Braggart: What did you say?
McSpindle: I'm the sarcastic one.
Captain Braggart: No fucking shit. Why are we discussing our personalities?
Cripps: I've been in a couple, but I don't remember having seen the doctor before. No offence.
Wheezy: None taken. Like I say, I can't remember myself.

Brad: Still unsure as to whether or not this is his or her first appearance, Medical Offier Wheezy puts on an Extra Vehicular activity suit, and examines one of the dead men.

Wheezy: This man has definitely been poisoned.
Captain Braggart: Maybe it's a Tarragon allergy...
Wheezy: The planet must have some sort of poisonous gas in its atmosphere, and this has now been brought back to the ship.
Captain Braggart: We have had to put it in everything. Wheezy!
Wheezy: Not feeling too good, sir?
Captain Braggart: Find me a potion that can cure madness, or I'll kick your arse so hard you could build a pool in the footprint. Understood?

Brad: Wheezy comes up with a solution he or she believes will work.

Wheezy: I've tested it on myself, sir. Now to enter an infected area without a suit.
Captain Braggart: This can only end well.

Brad: You watch Wheezy enter the area on a monitor. A few minutes later, he or she falls to his or her knees. Dead.

Captain Braggart: Bollocks.
McSpindle: (dropping to knees) Med-i-cal off-i-cer Whee---zy!!!
Captain Braggart: He's never going to let up, is he?


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