Saturday, 12 March 2011

DVD Reviews

Starring: Shandi Finnessey, Sara Malakul Lane, Eric Roberts
Director: Declan O’Brien
Anchor Bay Entertainment

Available from Monday 14th March - £5.99 (DVD)
Review by Brad Harmer

Get this in the E14 Store for £3.99

Nathan Sands, is an egotistical bio-genetics genius who, along with his daughter Nicole, has developed a hybrid half-shark/half-octopus for use by the US military. Code-named S11, the creature has been designed as the ultimate weapon in aquatic attack and defence. But when its control unit malfunctions during a test run, the S11 is accidentally unleashed and sets off in the direction of the popular tourist resort of Puerto Vallarta in Mexico.

Desperate to keep the creature’s existence secret and to avoid a bloody massacre that is almost certain to attract unwanted attention, the military leaders hire Sands, Nicole and a notorious shark hunter to track down and capture the mutant killing machine before it can begin snacking on a buffet of helpless holidaymakers. Unfortunately, the task becomes riskier and far more complicated than it needs to be when a morally bankrupt news reporter, her cameraman, a pirate-radio DJ and his assistant become involved in the proceedings.

It’s really hard to review a movie like this. I feel like a judge on Britain’s Got Talent faced with an obviously mentally-disabled competitor who’s only been put there so that I can mock it for the entertainment of the red-top reading, Cheryl Cole loving morons out there. Sharktopus is bad, yes, of course it is – but you knew that going in, and so does everyone involved with the movie. It’s a bad movie, and it knows it. How could it not?

Everything is bad. The CG is truly godawful, and the characters are flat, stupid and designed as nothing more than sharktopus poodoo. There’s the way that the main characters gun always has the barrel off screen so that you don’t have to see it firing and they can save money on blanks. It’s a bad, bad movie...but when it’s not trying, what’s the point?

If you like getting together with friends and watching bad movies for a Mystery Science Theatre type giggle, buy Sharktopus. Absolutely, no question about it. If you’re asking me whether it’s actually any good as a serious piece of cinema, then you’re presumably concussed.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Lots of scenes of a sharktopus eating people. Lots of gunfire. Several massive and badly animated explosions. All of this violence is – of course – fucktarded.
Sex/Nudity: Some bikini shots.
Swearing: Some. Fucktarded.
Summary: It’s bad, but it’s trying to be bad. When a movie tries to be bad and succeeds, is it truly bad? That’s why this movie has no score. But if you’re looking for a bad movie for a post-pub piss take, Sharktopus is perfect. ??/10
Starring: Janice Byrne, Simon Delaney, David Pearse,
Director: John & Kieran Carney
Element Pictures

Available from Monday 14th March - £12.99 (DVD)
Review by Brad Harmer

Get this in the E14 Store for £9.70

Returning home one evening to find a strange man in a futuristic helmet and red vinyl suit passed out on their living room floor, the Cassidy family makes no attempts to question his claims that his name is Zonad and that he hails from deep space. Though at first Zonad is reluctant to accept the hospitality of the Cassidys and the other, blissfully naïve families in the quaint community of Ballymoran, he is soon won over by their generous offers of beer, and the curiosity of the local females.

Little does everyone realize that Zonad's actual name is Liam Murphy, and he is in fact a major alcoholic who has recently fled from a nearby treatment facility - and he's more than happy to take full advantage of their unceasing generosity. But when Zonad takes things too far by accepting the advances of pretty Ballymoran teen Jenny, Jenny's jealous boyfriend Guy starts to realize that they're all being taken for suckers, and vows to reveal Zonad for the fraud that he is.

Right, there are several issues I have with this movie, all related to how cocking annoying it is.

All of the characters are obnoxiously naieve, irritatingly stupid, evil, or all three. The family comes home and accepts that this strange man collapsed in their living room is from space? There’s never a flicker of doubt? In the words of Dave Lister, people that stupid deserve to be zapped, powed and kersplatted in their beds.

So, everyone who isn’t a bad guy is a moron, and vice-versa. There are not gags at all by the thirty minute mark, and even the toilet humour is ballsed up? How do you even manage to balls up toilet humour? What is there to balls up? It’s poos, wee, fart, job done. Not here.

The tone is fucked to buggery. Tonally it’s like a standard family comedy, but then there’s all the sexual overtones that are about as family appropriate and subtle as being bludgeoned to death with a copy of Viz.

If you’re looking at how to not write comedy, pick this up. If you value your sanity, burn every copy you see.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Some scuffling and fighting.
Sex/Nudity: Frequent and strong references to sexual intercourse.
Swearing: Very strong, but infrequent.
Summary: At best, a woefully unfunny comedy. The characters are all detestable, the performances phoned in and the …damn, I think this movie actually gave me a tumour. That’s how angry it made me. Tumour angry. 1/10
5 Centimeters Per Second
Starring: Satomi Hanamura, Yoshimi Kondou, Kenji Mizuhashi
Director: Makoto Shinkai
Manga Entertainment

Available from Monday 14th March - £17.99 (DVD)
Review by Kelly Prior

Get this in the E14 Store for £8.99

5 Centimetres Per Second is the touching story of Takaki and Akari, childhood friends who learn, through life and growing up, that their feelings for each other are much more than friendship. Takaki is a young and honest boy who dreams of success and happiness. He is constantly seen texting a mysterious person on his mobile phone. Akari is a young girl who is lost in life and waits for writes letters to Takaki.

The two friends, unable to articulate their feelings for each other, gradually grow apart. As they move further and further away from each other, their love grows. But as adults, their responsibilities and commitments in life keep them apart. A train journey, a rocket launch and the simple falling of a blossom; a series of events that all lead to the climax and the realisation that Takaki and Akari might have missed their opportunity to be more than friends.

This story, told through the beautiful medium of anime, is the tragic coming of age love story that we hear time and time again. The musical score is truly beautiful and exceptionally emotive. There is a captivating narrative throughout. There is very little dialogue in this film. The story is told mostly through the art of anime and the voice-overs of Takaki and Akari. Some spectacular metaphors and descriptive passages are used to describe the feelings running through the character’s heads at significant moments, and also in the passionate letters and correspondence between them.

5 Centimetres Per Second is a selection of short films about the lives of these two best friends. It is also a film about the distance between them. 5 Centimeters Per Second is a real tear jerker, and is definitely one for the girls. The animation is beautiful and really succeeds where words cannot. What 5 Centimetres Per Second lacks in explosions, swear words and boobs, it makes up for in true, unashamed beauty. It may be wonderful, but, the average E14 fan will probably agree that this film does not have the criteria to be rated too highly on this site.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Sex/Nudity: None.
Swearing: None.
Summary: It is great for what it is, but it is not a very exciting viewing experience. If you are looking for passion and a good cry, then this one is for you. 7/10
TNA Wrestling: HARDcore Justice
TNA Wrestling
Available Now - £19.99
Review by Omer Ibrahim

Get this in the E14 Store for £19.99

In 2001, Extreme Championship Wrestling closed its doors. WWE resurrected it in 2005 and 2006, raped it for a while, made it an internet-only show for a while, then killed it again in early 2010. Later in 2010, Tommy Dreamer decided that it wasn’t raped enough, so he convinced the owner of TNA, Dixie Carter, that he could suck a few more dollars out of pockets by booking some old ECW wrestlers. She fell for it and BAM!, here we are! Everybody has different names and they can’t say ECW! This has to work!

The Show kicks off with the Full Blooded Italians team of Tony “Mamaluke” Luke, Little “Nunzio” Guido and Tracy “Batshit Insane” Smothers taking on the team of the returning Kid Kash, Simon Diamond (who looks fat) and Johnny Swinger (who looks like a rapist). The six men enter a strange mix of mat wrestling, high flying, hard hitting moves and dancing. Well, Smothers mostly bring the dancing. And a few backwards punches. Crazy old bastard. It all works however, and is a brilliant nostalgia trip.

Next up, flippy-dancy-ghetto man, Too Cold Scorpio goes up against C. W. Anderson in a nice slugfest. Not exactly innovative, but both men do what they do best and it works.

Steven Richards has doubled in weight as he wrestles P.J. “Justin Credible” Polaco (The crowd are livid about the name change, chanting “He’s incredible” throughout the match.). They don’t set the ring on fire, but it passes a few minutes, and Richards gets to feel like he accomplished something.

An elimination triple threat match is up next as Al Snow, Brother “Spike Dudley” Runt and Rhino have possibly the match of the night. How this happened I’m not sure, as Spike is pretty much retired and therefore rusty, and Al Snow is content to do nothing of note. This left Rhino as the star of the match, but he was visibly disgruntled with Snow’s lazy antics.

Tag-team action again as Team 3D/The Dudley Boyz take on Axl Rotten and Kahoneys/Balls Mahoney in a South Philadelphia Street Fight. Cue all manner of weapons and violence as all four guys explore the arena whilst smacking each other in the head. Even the Gangsters show up. As does fire. On a table. A wild brawl reminiscent of the old ECW.

Next up Tommy Dreamer and Raven rehash a feud that ended over ten years ago. If you never saw one of their fifteen million matches from back in the day, its really quite good. If you have seen any, it’s just the same-old-same-old.

In the main even, last minute replacement for Jerry Lynn, Sabu, takes on Rob Van Dam. In the shocker of the century, Sabu doesn’t botch a single move, even pulling out a couple of tricky ones that he hasn’t tried in years. It’s a shame that all RVD wants to do is point at himself.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Sex/Nudity: None.
Swearing: All censored.
Summary: A good set of matches, its just weird seeing them in 2010/11. Worth a buy simply for the nostalgia, but pick up some other shows to go with it. 7/10


To celebrate the March 14th DVD and Blu-ray release of Midgets vs Mascots, we are giving away a copy of this hilarious film on DVD to five lucky winners.

In this Borat-meets-Jackass shockumentary, five little people and five mascots battle for ten million dollars through thirty ridiculous competitions, including how many insults it takes to get punched in a bar, who can drink a gallon of fluid the fastest and who can wrestle a live alligator. Gary Coleman (Different Stokes), leading the “Littles” as himself, is a comedic freight train (or train wreck) as he gets into actual fist fights with mascots, coaches and even NBA star Scottie Pippen. The film was Coleman’s last before his untimely death in May last year.

Look forward to tear-inducing laughter when drunken and belligerent mascots take on a competitive and determined group of little people.

Also starring Jordan Prentice (In Bruges) and Jason Mewes (Zack and Miri Make a Porno), Midgets Vs Mascots fights its way onto DVD & Blu-ray on 14 March, order your copy now on Amazon.

For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to before midday on Saturday 19th March, making sure to put "Midgets vs Mascots" as the subject. The first entry out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a free copy!

Don't forget to put "Midgets vs Mascots" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

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