Friday 9 October 2009

Shitty Box Art Round-Up: Exploitation Movies

I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle

Rob: Neil Morrissey?! Awesome!
Brad: And Anthony Daniels. He played Legolas in the original The Lord of the Rings movie.
Rob: Yeah, there was another film he was in as well. What was it called? Anyway...
Brad: I was hoping I could rip the shit out of this, but it would actually look perfectly at home in my DVD collection.
Rob: Never forget though, the lead character is doing his best to look hard only to later voice Bob the Builder.
Brad: I would actually buy the shit out of this.
Rob: I figured you would. Do you want it for Christmas? Along with a Men Behaving Badly box set and a Bob the Builder toy?
Brad: Available now from
Rob: I'll give it a 6/10.
Brad: 6/10 here, too.

Spring Of Life

Brad: Rosemary's Baby vs Downfall?
Rob: Is the kid listening to music?
Brad: Yeah..."Teardrop" by Massive Attack.
Rob: That video's awesome.
Brad: If you had to hazard a guess, purely on the cover artwork, what would you say this film is about?
Rob: Papa Roach - I swear they have an album cover that's identical.
Brad: You think this movie's about Papa Roach - the nineties False Metal band?
Rob: Purely on the artwork, absolutely.
Brad: The thing is, you're on the right track. Would I be right in assuming that you haven't seen as many horror and exploitation movies as I have?
Rob: Yeah, I'd say Dracula's Fiancee was probably my first exploitation movie. What's the definition of exploitation horror anyway?
Brad: An exploitation movie is a movie that is targeted at exploiting the audience's desire to see something in particular. For example, most are made to exploit people's desire to see violence and gore.
Rob: Ah, I see.
Brad: Unlike Hollywood movies, which obviously target people's desire to see action, excitement, and whatnot - exploitation movies target baser interests, and frequently (although debatably) to the exclusion of any artistic merit.
Rob: Yeah, from that movie I watched I'd say that's a safe bet.
Brad: A sub-set would be blaxploitation - which exploited the desire of an audience to see black actors in movies. Which is fine in stuff like Shaft - but gets silly in Blacula and The Wiz.
Rob: Wow. I'd never thought of E14 as having education merit before.
Brad: Anyway, back to the point - one of the key things is that the posters they'd stick in grindhouse cinemas would rarely, if ever, actually have anything to do with the film. Anything that did would be "Hyperbole Gone Wild".
Rob: Well, obviously, yeah.
Brad: So, yeah, you're right to an extent. This movie may not be about Papa Roach - but I'm willing to bet that it at no point features a baby on a Swastika flag. Listening to Papa Roach.
Rob: I'd like to think not.
Brad: Score?
Rob: 5/10
Brad: 4/10
Rob: You rolling a dice as per usual?
Brad: Yeah. They've just been scarily accurate so far.

Charles Manson Superstar

Rob: You know the sad thing? The first thing I noticed there was the grammatical inaccuracy in that it lacked a hyphen.
Brad: That painting is hanging in the HR Giger museum in Gruyères.
Rob: Is that right?
Brad: He didn't paint it, rather obviously, but there some of his personal collection on the top floor, and he owns it.
Rob: Wow. Why does someone seem to be playing a game of Tic-Tac-Toe with his various forms?
Brad: They only really credit the director here, but I think it's a fairly safe bet that Roman Polanski isn't an Executive Producer.
Rob: Is that a grammatical error, or is that his full name? If so, what a stupid name. What kind of middle name is "Manson"?
Brad: The best kind!
Rob: Oh shit, sorry! I forgot yours is Manson.
Brad: Actually, it's Gein, but the point stands. Score?
Rob: 7/10. I'm impressed that he has a necklace made of little faces.
Brad: 2/10. Looks like the d10 finally struck out.

Nude For Satan

Rob: I like the idea that she's stripped, and Satan's played the uptight guy and gone "Hey, hey, nothing to see here folks!". Are Satan's hands that big?
Brad: I like that idea. Satan has been made cool by the media way too much. They forget that he is the opposer. If Satan is real, then he's not into motorbikes, psychobilly and cigars, like some would have us believe. He's into the smoking ban, "Imagine" games on the DS and bagpipes. And boob censorship.
Rob: You don't like bagpipes?
Brad: Does anyone? The Irish don't. They gave them to the Scottish tourist industry.
Rob: Well, I don't, but I figured everyone has a weird hobby. I thought that was yours. Maybe I don't have as good a read on you as I thought.
Brad: Yeah, because between the gaming, this website and playing tea-chest bass, I totally don't have enough weird hobbies. Back on track - I like the idea of a gameshow along these lines.
Rob:'re going to have to be a lot more precise.
Brad: "Well, we've got ten young hopefuls, here, but will any of them have the integrity, guts and cavernous genitals necessary to become...NUDE FOR SATAN!"
Rob: I'd watch that.
Brad: Score?
Rob: Hmmm, this is a tough one. On the one hand, it's really shonky cover art. On the other hand, she may be the winner of Series 1 of Nude for Satan, in which case we should get in her good books now. 8/10
Brad: 4/10

The Escapees

Rob: Is the one on the right Amy Winehouse?
Brad: The one on the left might be the frumpiest fifteen year old I've ever seen.
Rob: She's missing a big thick pair of glasses and a beret, but I'd say she's still in the top three frumpiest.
Brad: Is the girl on the left carrying something?
Rob: Looks like a ledger. Maybe she's studying Frump. Is the one on the right in a straight jacket?
Brad: I think she is. You asking, however, has made me notice that she isn't wearing any trousers.
Brad: I know, right? Surely someone putting her in a straight jacket would...I don't know...allow her to be decent?!
Brad: What do you think this movie's about?
Rob: I reckon the Princess of Frumpitude is training the crazy one up to be frumpier, but little does the crazy one realise....the Princess of Frumpitude is her, she has been frumpy all along, she just hasn't known it! And obviously that makes her bat-shit crazy, which is why she's locked away
Brad: Ah, like The Frumpy Cabinet of Dr Caligari? Score?
Rob: 4/10
Brad: 3/10 I'm rolling low, tonight.
Rob: Good thing we're doing this and not Arkham Horror I guess.

New Wave Hookers II

Rob: I'm doing an over/under on how many of these DVDs are on your Amazon wishlist. I'm going to say three.
Brad: This looks very eighties, doesn't it?
Rob: Very much so. In fact, if there's not a sex scene to "I Ran" by A Flock of Seagulls, I will be shocked and appalled.
Brad: I picked this up, assuming that it would be, well, hookers servicing Huey Lewis, Elvis Costello and other New Wave artists. Frankly I feel a little lied to.
Rob: Learned your lesson though?
Brad: Nope. My copy of Black Metal Bitches is on its way.
Rob: The director of this film made the horror movie starring Kane (the wrestler). Based on this, I hope the subject matter doesn't cross over whatsoever. Kane in fluorescent colours doesn't bear thinking about.
Brad: Kane in flourescent colours, and high heels, whilst servicing David Byrne is...well, exactly kind of angle Vince McMahon would come up with, to be honest.
Rob: 5/10
Brad: 98/10


  1. I've actually seen 'I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle'. It's hilarious. Not intentionally, of course, but hilarious nonetheless.

  2. Also, being of Scottish ancestry, I feel I should defend the bagpipes... but I just can't. Sorry, ancestors.