Friday 19 August 2011

Music Video Reviews

Brad: Hey, buddy, how've you been?
Rob: Yeah, all right. Aside from that day the other day where I wasn't sure what to do with my life.
Brad: I find that 'be amazing' is a good, open-ended goal.
Rob: Yeah, but I could do with finding a balance between that and "comfortably off".
Brad: Blackmail a celebrity?
Rob: ...Saying what?
Brad: I've been blackmailing Diana Vickers for ages.
Rob: How?
Brad: Well, if I told you that, she'd stop paying me. It involves a certain "operation" that "Diana" would rather didn't get out. That's that "Diana" who's a "woman". "Now".
Anyway, it's been eight months since we attacked the world of music videos. Let's take a look at what's on offer!

Cher Lloyd - Swagger Jagger

Brad: Who allowed Cheryl Cole and Fergie to breed?
Rob: Can I ask a serious question?
Brad: Yeah, that's what we're all about.
Rob: What the fuck is she?
Brad: A horrendous meld of Cheryl Cole, Fergie and a Fraggle.
Rob: At 1:00, is that Vin Diesel?
Brad: The synth line sounds like someone's playing it on the neck of a filled baloon.
Brad: Can I ask a serious question?
Rob: I don't know. Can you?
Brad: What's a "Swagger Jagger"? Why do I have to get some of my own? Why does she think I'm trying to steal hers?
Rob: I just know I want her dead. It's one of these nonsense hip-hop/dubstep/shitty music words, like "Hollaback Girl". They take words that really exist, and lob them together.
Brad: Why is she carrying that boombox around when she's listening to an MP3 player?
Rob: Did she actually dress herself, or did she just throw herself into a wardrobe and wear what stuck?
Brad: That actually suits the theme of the song, to be fair. In that all the lines are totally irrelevant to each other.
Rob: Maybe a "Jagger" is someone who takes. As in a Stealer of Swagger.
Brad: Every time I see a genuine balls-up like this, I want to arrange for the "artist" to receive an unexpected visit from a genuine talent, who acts very disappointed in them. Like Cher Lloyd opens her front door to find Neil Young standing on her doorstep, slowly shaking his head and tutting.
Rob: "My my, hey hey, you suck."
Brad: Score for this one?
Rob: 2/10. I'm feeling generous.
Brad: 10/10
Rob: ...That better be 10d10s you're rolling.
Brad: You know, I'm going to make an exception and actually count that as a zero.

Pitbull - Rain Over Me (ft. Marc Anthony)

Brad: That guy has a Vanderbeekian forehead.
Rob: Do you mean the first guy or the second guy? Only...the second guy's bald. He's all forehead.
What is Marc Anthony's claim to fame, anyway? Apart from failing to satisfy Jennifer Lopez. Is this the same Marc Anthony?
Brad: The only Marc Anthony I know was boning Cleopatra in around 30 BC.
Rob: Am I wrong, or is the chorus of this song "Ai ai ai"?
Brad: They're dancing like uncles at a wedding.
Rob: This Pitbull guy seems to overestimate the linguistic capacity of your average fan of this music.
Brad: Are you suggesting he needs to get some swagger jagger of his own?
Rob: I'm suggesting that him and Cher Lloyd could beat each other to death, and I'd make sure it sold out the O2.
Brad: Is it just me, or does he look a bit like a Wahlberg?
Rob: Who, Marc Anthony?
Brad: Yeah.
Rob: This guy does remind me of a pitbull actually. I took one look at him and wanted him put down.
Brad: And he looks like the sort of thing you see hanging out of a chav's car. I'm sure he's a lovely guy.
Rob: Possibly. That was diplomatic of you, we been threatened with legal action recently or something?
Brad: No, I just get the vibe that he's a nice guy, and he's acting this up for camera. Mostly from the fact he dances like an uncle at a wedding, and seems genuinely pleased to be hanging out in the desert with that bird and Marc Anthony.
If I was making a video for a song called Rain Over Me, it would have a lot more bukkake.
Rob: There's no way Pitbull's suit would stay that clean in the desert. Especially with all the bukkake.
Brad: Score?
Rob: He probably did, but she looks desperate.
Brad: 4/10 - I didn't hate that one. They seem like guys that I'd happily play Arkham Horror with.
Rob: I'll go 4/10 too, but not quite Arkham Horror territory for me. I'd probably play The Settlers of Catan, and see how it went.

Adele - Rolling in the Deep

Rob: There must be one motherfucking big dinosaur coming between 0:22 and 0:40. Oh, and look, they've got a ninja preparing for Keith Richards' arrival.
Brad: I hate her.
Rob: Why?
Brad: I just hate her so much. Whenever I see her I have an overwhelming desire to chase her with a bit of dog-doo on a stick.
Rob: She's probably got handlers who'd kill you now.
Brad: I can bribe them. Or, you know, give them sticks of their own. I'm willing to bet I could get them to join in.
Rob: Seems like a lot of effort. I'd sooner just dislike her from afar if I was in your shoes. Far less admin.
Brad: There's just something about her that rubs me up the wrong way. I can't explain why. I think that it's because she basically writes moany, whiny, emo songs, but because she doesn't have any friends she gets seen as a serious solo artist, rather than "douchey emo band".
Rob: Dude, there are plenty of solo artists like that.
Brad: Yeah, but I don't want to chase any of them with dog-doo on a stick.
Rob: There's a guy in Brighton, no word of a lie, who plays his drums in the middle of Churchill Square. Just drums, he has backing music playing on a busted-arse Macbook Pro.
Brad: Have you ever chased him with a dog-doo on a stick?
She hasn't moved from that fucking chair. Lazy bitch.
Rob: The impression I get from the room she's in is that this is a song about packing too much up in one go when you move house.
Brad: That makes a scary amount of sense. Doesn't really explain the ninja, but it's as close to a perfect theory as we have.
Rob: What better person to help you move? You can move any time of the day or night that way, you won't make any noise. Granted, the drummer might be counter-productive in this case...
Brad: I hate her. I just hate her. A lot.
Rob: Why's she made a city out of sugar cubes at 2:13? And why hasn't she packed it? Seems like there's nothing holding her back, she's smashed all her tea cups.
Brad: Because she's run out of all the other constituent elements of cake.
Rob: And there it is.
Brad: I made it pretty far without a fat gag, didn't I?
Rob: Yeah, you did.
Brad: Fat, ninja-potential-wasting bitch.
Rob: 6/10, because at least this time I like the song.
Brad: 2/10 - I hate her.
Rob: Really? I'm surprised, you've been about as subtle as a ninja poncing around in a room filled with salt..
Brad: Not as much as I hated Chasing Pavements. As metaphor, choosing something that doesn't move wasn't the best option...
Rob: Yeah, that song sucked.

Jessie J - Who's Laughing Now

Rob: If I was a kid in that opening corridor scene, I would be thinking "When are they fixing that tannoy system?"
Brad: School...hip-hop beat...cartoonish Lily Allen knock off...
Rob: I'd say that's harsh on Jessie J. I'd argue she's more of a Gwen Stefani knock-off.
Brad: Yeah, that's kinda fair.
Rob: Plus I think Lily Allen's a massive douche.
Brad: I like her music, but yeah, I think she's a dick.
Rob: I don't even like her music.
Brad: How did this woman get into the school dressed like that? Oh, god, she's rapping.
Rob: What, the kid?
Brad: This whole song is a ego trip.
Rob: I wonder if without the makeup, I'd ruin her.
Brad: She strikes me as the sort of girl you could ruin, but who has the potential to get quite a bit stalky afterwards.
Rob: Oh wait, at 3:38 there's a shot of her without all that extra gubbins on her face.
Brad: Does it show how stalky she'd get?
Rob: I think so, yeah. And I think I would still ruin her.
Brad: She's okay, if you like cookie-cutter quirky.
Rob: There's nothing to say "I'm well-adjusted and over the past" like a song like this.
Brad: I disagree. It's a blatant lie. Girls who are bullied or picked on for being alternative don't then go on to become Top 40 artists. Popular girls who listen to bullshit artists become Top 40 artists.
Rob: 5/10.
Brad: 8/10.

Lady Gaga - Judas

Rob: I'm perfecting a theory called Gaga's Theorem.
Brad: Go on.
Rob: The more normal Lady Gaga dresses, the better she looks. Unfortunately it means that often I can't watch her videos.
Brad: I have a theory about her, as well. Well, it's not a theory, more an observation:
The more you see of her, the less you see of Marilyn Manson.
Rob: How do you reckon they make her look shorter? Cameras? Taller extras?
Brad: Forced perspective. Kinda like how they made John Rhys-Davies look small in The Lord of the Rings.
Rob: I like her Swagger Jagger on this, though.
Brad: I love the way she makes a damning commentary on religion with a disco kickline. SAMCRO always seems to be lacking a kickline.
Rob: She seems to be getting a little blatant with her controversy-seeking lyrics. What's next? "I think all black people look alike"? "I sucked off Hitler and I liked it"?
Brad: That sounds more like Anal Cunt's territory.
Rob: Well, the more you see of Gaga...
Brad: This is making a terrible amount of sense. The shock rock acts of the nineties are the mainstream pop/dance act of today.
Rob: I look forward to Tinie Tempah covering a Revolting Cocks track.
Brad: Is this "dubstep"? I've got to be honest I'm not really sure what a "dubstep" is.
Rob: I don't think any except the fans do.
Brad: I totally would, though.
Rob: Who, Gaga?
Brad: Yeah.
Rob: I think I would too. Even if she is part motorbike.
Brad: Could we twos up, or would that be awkward? I've always thought the hardest part of spit-roasting a girl has to be not making light conversation with the bloke at the other end.
Rob: Dude, we'd be Dickass DMing. And you know it.
Brad: You could roll the dice on her back, I guess.
Rob: Would you want the front then?
Brad: I've never really given it a lot of thought. There are advantages and disadvantages to both, I guess.
We should try and see if we can do this. It would make for an awesome investigative report.
Rob: "Brad and Rob investigate...Dickass DM while inside Lady Gaga"?
Brad: A bit like that time I was assigned to try and bang Natalie Portman.
Rob: I still regret giving you a contract for that.
Brad: Not as much as she does.
Rob: 9/10.
Brad: 8/10 - I like Lady Gaga. She's the most interesting thing to happen to pop music since forever.
Rob: This video also has a cast member from The Walking Dead series in it. Hence the extra point.
Brad: I'm bored of all this Swagger Jagger. Let's see some classic rock!
Rob: All right...

Rush - Stick It Out

Rob: This video has a little Alice in Chains vibe to it.
Brad: It's remarkably heavy for Rush, isn't it?
Rob: I know he's amazing, but Geddy Lee always looks like he wandered onto set from a 90s American AOR band.
Brad: They haven't really managed to avoid the trap of "Not Looking A Bit Too Old To Be There" have they?
Rob: Surprisingly, never...
Brad: I wonder if they told that guy what to expect when they offered him the role.
"Just sit in this chair. That's all."
Rob: "What, and you're paying me that much to just sit?"
"Well, there'll be a bit where you have to fall out, but who hasn't fallen out of a chair, right?"
Brad: Rush need to turn up at Cher Lloyd's house with disappointed facial expressions. Soon.
Rob: Can we put the call in? Please?
Brad: Totally.
Rob: 10/10. It's got Rush in it.
Brad: 12/10. I rolled a 10, but for Rush I always roll 1d10+2
Rob: YYZ/10.
Rob: 1492/10. I realise that's a Vangelis song, but who gives a fuck?
Brad: 2112/10.

Imelda May - Mayhem

Brad: You know how I hate Adele, but can't explain why? I love Imelda May, but can't explain why.
Rob: I like her too actually. I think she comes off as a bit sassier than Adele.
Brad: Maybe it's the combination of MILF and rockabilly. That usually works for me.
Rob: Plus you like any song with that guitar tone.
Brad: I'm a sucker for psychobilly it's true.
Rob: Oh my God! She's gorgeous! Why did nobody tell me?!
Come on video, show me from the waist down! I need to know if she's the total package.
Brad: There's another video where she's wearing a PVC nurse's uniform. You want to cover that one next?
Rob: I want to cover something right now....
Brad: This is a weirdly literal video, isn't it? They don't really do that all that often any more.
Rob: Yeah, I like it. It tells a tight, simple story, without a ton of flash.
Brad: And a fit semi-MILFy, rockabilly girl.
Rob: Helps immensely. I like that she keeps eye contact at 2:01 until 2:21. It's strangely compelling. And it draws me into a stare-out, which is always fun.
Brad: You're staring out a video?
Rob: Not anymore, she looked away.
Brad: You want to hear something cripplingly depressing?
Rob: Go on.
Brad: This peaked in the UK charts at #104. "Swagger Jagger" by comparison, reached #1.
I'm buying her back catalogue when I get paid. Or if I can persuade Brian to write it off as a business expense.
Rob: 8/10.
Brad: 9/10 - Rockabilly MILF
You want to pick one to round it off on?

Brad: Why has the image been reversed?
Rob: I have no idea. It's not like it has to be protected from copyright.
Brad: He seems very pleased with himself.
Rob: I think he just enjoys playing. I wish more musicians were like that.
Brad: How come I gave you a Rockabilly MILF and you give me a long-haired teenager in his bedroom?
Rob: Different strokes?
Brad: ...
Rob: I was hoping to Rickroll you, and that was the most E14 way to do it I could think of.
Brad: You know what? I'm actually pleased about that.
Rob: Cool.
Brad: Here's Imelda May in a PVC nurses uniform.

Imelda May - Psycho

Rob: Oh. My. God.

Words: Brad Harmer & Robert Wade
Brad Harmer - Facebook - Twitter
Rob Wade - Twitter


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