Monday, 15 August 2011

Ask Dr Bartender

Back when we first started E14, we honestly had no idea how popular it would become. Now, we run hugely successful competitions, interview celebrities and deal with some of the top publishers in the media industry. However, nothing prepared us for the first time we started receiving advice requests. Of course, one thing about all our contributors is that none of them felt comfortable giving advice to the world at large. We resolved, however, not to let our loyal public down, and set about hiring someone who could. It's time to Ask Dr Bartender!

Question: My boyfriend and I recently broke up because he said I complain too much, and I’ve been taking it hard. Worse still, I got a message from him on Facebook which seemed quite suggestive, but when I asked him he said he didn’t send me anything. I became paranoid late in the relationship, when he used to check out lots of girls. Do you think there was someone else all along?
Susie, 16, London

Dr B: Well, it’s clear that this incident has left you very shaken, but I can already see part of the problem. You see, the first thing you did when he broke up with you is to complain about it. Now, granted, you have chosen to complain to the world’s foremost relationship expert (or at least, that’s what Rob has chosen to believe that’s what many different important people believe, which is why they give me lots of certificates every year), but complaining is complaining nonetheless, call a spade a spade.

Now, you’re going to get a lot of people who tell you that it’s not your business, and that he has clearly moved on. This, however, ignores the rules set out in the Code of the Internet. If you want to read the reference material for yourself, just go to any webpage, right click and select “View Source”. It’s in there somewhere. Anyway, the Code of the Internet dictates, and I quote:

”If someone sends you a message, then it’s your business, irrespective of what it is about and who it was originally for.”

Interesting bit of trivia: Shrewd use of this rule is how I was, at one point, a member of the board of directors for Coca-Cola.

Thus, it’s precisely your business, and you have every right to feel aggrieved that you were possibly cuckolded. The solution, therefore, is to make sure. So, the solution is to go to the Facebooks. I’m not familiar with it myself, maintaining very little online profile, with only a Twitter page @drbartender so that I can keep in touch with the E14 editors to give them various types of advice, and of course to give the loyal “E14ies” the chance to ask their questions directly.

However, Rob tells me that Facebook essentially boils down to “A collection of berks sending you game invites until the veins behind your eyes burst”. With this said, my advice is two-fold. First, try and figure out his password so that you can read his messages. This also has the added bonus of giving you the power to send apologetic messages from his account to yours, calling yourself (meaning him in this instance) a massive tool. Once that message is sent, legally that’s how he thinks.

The second option you have is simpler, and requires less hacking. Find the most infuriating Facebook games possible (preferably something with “Ville” at the end), and send him multiple invites. Rob is always telling me how much he enjoys receiving the invites, and the frantic nodding of his head and the sarcastic voice are, I’m told, not in fact a sign that he is in any way being disingenuous, but instead are the result of a rare cell mutation which makes him a bit of a prick.

Question: I almost fell out with my father recently, as I was studying for my exams, and he was putting immense amounts of pressure on me to revise and succeed. This year’s exams were only mocks, and I’m worried that revision for the next year’s exam will cause us massive fallout. Can you recommend some tips to make the relationship less strained come exam time?
Jeff, 17, Reading

Dr B: Well, this is a very complex question. Parental relationships are so important in today’s society, as I have recently learned that adult females can be known to eat their young. I’m frankly surprised that it didn’t come up during any of my medical training (the aforementioned certificates, which I definitely have).

When it comes to parental pressure, the advice is simple. Parents want to feel that their children are listening to them. One need only look at the news of the recent UK riots to see the value of the parental influence on children. The simple answer is that parents want to feel respected, so give them that impression. I’m assuming that it’s a single-parent family, being as my understanding of UK law is that mothers have to cover the homework side of things if they live at home.

So the solution, therefore, is to give your father the impression that his feelings are being taken on board and listened to. Whether they are or not is, ultimately, irrelevant. What I would suggest is to do as much work as you feel comfortable doing for your studies, but make it look like you’re doing an absolute ton of work. Take your laptop to the library to give the illusion of hard work, but in reality spend your time browsing the web, on such wonderful sites as the one you’re on right now. Better yet, take yourself down to your local coffee shop with your laptop, and make sure that some of those patrons see you on your laptop. Nothing spells the illusion of success like watching someone on a laptop in a coffee shop – they definitely think that you’re working on a novel, rather than just web browsing.

If you’re doing it right, you’ll pass all your exams and he can rest easy knowing that you did your best. If your best doesn’t prove good enough, you can blame him and suggest that he has successfully “burned you out” on structure and exam discipline. This gives two main benefits. Firstly, he can take the blame for your failure so that you don’t have to feel bad, and secondly you can get free lifts to your new job at Burger King. But hey, that’s only so you can work towards your dream job, right?

The ultimate advantage of this is that there is no worst-case scenario. The worst thing that can happen is that you become a jaded, twenty-something blogger, and that’s not so bad, right Rob?

Question: My wife recently died, and I’ve been spending a lot of time with her family. The problem is that I didn’t really care for them when my wife was alive. I’m naturally not looking to distance myself from them while arrangements are being made, as they are her family for better or worse. I just want to make sure that when the wake is all finished with, that I’m not spending all my time with them. What’s the best way to tactfully distance myself?
John, 42, Stockport

Dr B: Ah, my friend, your problem is a very difficult one. Naturally, you don’t want to cause upset, but at the same time your desire to escape their social circle is completely understandable. Therefore, the solution is to make them be the ones to put the distance between you. There are a number of ways of doing this, as I have discovered from my research, but the most effective way is actually the most convenient in this case.

Shortly after the wake, get in touch with them (I realise this sounds counter-productive, but bear with me) and tell them that you need to meet with them, and that it pertains to your late wife/their late daughter. Be vague – this is intentional at this point. When they come around, explain that you’ve had contact from her. They’ll naturally assume that you have found some sort of long-lost letter or something of that description. What they will instead get is something quite different.

You then break out a Ouija board. If you don’t have an Ouija board, or cannot get access to one, Brad and Rob inform me that you can get comparable (if not exactly the same) results with a can of Relentless and a game board for Clone Wars Risk. Inform them that you have made contact with your wife through this means. Make sure to use the words “totally legitimate” as much as you possibly can, as some cynics would have you believe that such things are a load of old hokum. To them, I say that any board game which contains rules for Order 66 should be considered as a viable means of contacting the dead.

If you follow these steps, I guarantee that you won’t hear from them again. Plus you’ll already have the bits necessary for a fun evening.


Sidney Prescott, now the author of a self-help book, returns home to Woodsboro on the last stop of her book tour. There she reconnects with Sheriff Dewey and Gale, who are now married, as well as her cousin Jill (Emma Roberts) and her Aunt Kate. Unfortunately Sidney's appearance also brings about the return of Ghostface, putting Sidney, Gale, and Dewey, along with Jill, her friends, and the whole town of Woodsboro in danger.

The newest installment in the acclaimed franchise that ushered in a new wave of horror in the 1990s is written by series creator Kevin Williamson and directed by suspense master and director of the first trilogy, Wes Craven.

Thanks to our friends at Entertainment in Video, we've got five copies of Scream 4 on Blu-ray to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to before midday on Monday 22nd August, making sure to put "Scream 4" as the subject. The first five entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a free copy!

Don't forget to put "Scream 4" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Scream 4 is out Monday 22nd August, courtesy of Entertainment In Video.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

No comments:

Post a Comment