Monday 25 April 2011

NewsFalsh! Aaaaaaaah!

It's been a quiet few months for crazy news, but finally some stupid people have done some stupid shit, so here we go! I apologise in advance for the fact that some of the writers on the Metro's website write like 12-year-old girls commenting on Livejournals. Apparently just because it's online, 'journalists' think that they can editorialise on...the news. I mean, really, start your own damn blog if you want to do that!

Anyway, rant over. To the Falshes!

'Dead Alien turns out to be stale bread'

Students behind the discovery of an alien's body at a UFO crash site have admitted it was a hoax - made out of stale bread. The bread crumbs were then wrapped in chicken skin. Yes, you read that correctly. The subject of a 6 million strong Youtube video with the message "your government do not want you to see this video" is about a cluster of bread crumbs and chicken skin.

See, I *knew* this would turn out to be a massive fucking hoax, and I had a sneaking suspicion that it would likely be the work of some students. First, my rationale for it being students should be beyond bleeding obvious, if for no other reason than other people having shit to do besides dick around all day. Although it doesn't expressly state what course the two students are doing (though their ages of 18 and 19 indicate that they're in first year - that figures), I'd wager heavily on some sort of drama or art. Don't get me wrong: some drama and art students are ok, I know a few who are alright. However, the majority are just the kind of tosspots who would dream something like this up. Want to know why "Your government do not want you to see this video"? Because they know the depressing effect it will have on the populace to know that these young people may one day run the country.

Secondly, the reason I thought it would very obviously be a massive bloody hoax is simple. Let's assume for a moment that there are extraterrestrial beings out there in the grand scheme of things who are watching us right now. If you ask me (and by reading this, you sort of are), it's worth assuming a few things about aliens that are a given, ok? Here's the list.

1) In order to master space travel, they have to be pretty intelligent.
2) As a result of that intelligence, their civilisation must be far in advance of our own.
3) Super-intelligent beings are almost certainly *not* made up of odds and sods.

Ok, so we've established those things as a given. Now, in order for point 1 to be correct, we would have to assume that they're intelligent enough to...I don't know...not crash their spacecraft in the middle of a heavily populated area. Now, in order for the second point to be true, one would then have to assume that were they to be out piloting their spacecraft, they almost certainly wouldn't be NAKED! The idea of a naked alien flying a plane suggests either a drunk or mentalist, and at no point during the video was there a bottle of Captain Morgan's next to the 'alien' (which we now know is more accurately described as a 'sandwich').

What made me laugh more was how they got caught. Police came round to ask them questions, and found it 'under his bed'! It blows my mind that these guys didn't think of more sensible measures. How about a shed? Or even leaving the alien where they filmed the fucking tape?! Surely once it's gone on Youtube, it's fulfilled its purpose. What, were they going to do a webseries or something? 'Unidentified Flying Object and Me'? 'Two guys and a McChicken Sandwich'? WHat tipped off the police? The seagulls pecking at it in the video? The fact that the film showed them cleaning off their hands with one of those scented wipes immediately after touching it?

See, maybe I'm cynical. Maybe the age we live in, where photoshopping is as common on a self-absorbed girl's desktop background as it is in professional modelling, that makes me think that things like this are just that little bit *too* easy to pull off. As a result, maybe I find myself having to fight that barrier before I can start to believe in things. Maybe so, but at least I'm not claiming to be an expert. The local expert asserts that:

"The body is interesting. The texture is similar to a real biological entity."
*Resists urge to point out obvious biological entity.*

Don't worry though, UFO fans of Russia are on the case. Those maniacal ultra-reliable and always sound of mind fucking numpties visionaries say that "Powerful people in the military just don't want us to see this."

I think they've been bamboozled by a certain Colonel Sanders...

Woman is addicted to eating sofas

From one unusual object made from meals to a meal made from objects, a mother of five from Florida has a suite tooth. Ho. Ho. Ho. She'll munch her way through all sorts of household objects such as elastic bands and rubbers, but her favourite 'food' is the stuffing from her sofa cushions. During the course of her lifetime, Adele Edwards is believe to have eaten eight settees and five chairs. For some reason, that statistic always makes me think of that other stat about eating a certain number of spiders in your lifetime.

Incidentally, people, let's be clear about this going forward: that statistic about eating a certain number of spiders in your lifetime is an average. People don't get told on their deathbed "sorry grampa, but unfortunately the pancreatic cancer is the least of your worries this afternoon, you're also under your spider quota", before having a handful of eight-legged beasties shoved down their throats as they shuffle off this mortal coil.

Apparently doctors have warned that she could die (no shit - though that won't help either), she suffers from a disorder called Pica. However, the definition of the disorder is a little strange to me, as this article defines it as "eating inedible items". They're not inedible then. If someone can eat them, they're edible. Not good for you, by any stretch, but you don't see some invertebrates sporting a spinal column, that's what the 'in' denotes.

On a serious note, this makes for terrifying reading. She's a mother of five at thirty, which means that some guy was quite happy to knock her up five times despite the fact that she's been munching on upholstery since she was ten. When she went to funfairs as a kid, surely eyebrows raised when she replied to the candy floss man's demand for which flavour she'd prefer with 'armchair'. What kind of freak is marrying her, more to the point? Clearly the guy heard the term "more cushion for the pushin'" and thought it was just a metaphor. On the plus side, being as the fate of most American mums with multiple kids is to grow a big fat arse, at least she'll be comfortable on hers. On the downside, her turds must take an eternity to flush.

At least it's not the most unusual craving.

Mother denies biting off boyfriend's testicles

I rest my case.

Oh, you want more? It's not enough to come up with two starkly hilarious satires of real-life news items, I have to do a third? Fine, have it your way.

Man fails to rob shop with Playstation controller

So a man walks into a shop to rob it, using a Playstation controller of all things. It doesn't work out, not surprisingly, as police actually turned up out of the blue in the middle of the robbery and foiled him.

There's something about Florida it seems, what with mums eating sofas. Maybe the fact that there are fewer sofas means that youngsters are trying their hardest to find alternate uses for their videogame controllers, being as they can't use them for gaming anymore. It's also probably a decent way to get some exercise for the people doing it, it gets them outside and interacting with people. All those people who object to videogames should really be happy that the kid is getting some fresh air, and putting those skills of aggressive negotiation that he would have accumulated from things like Mass Effect 2 to good use.

What's great about this story is the omission of detail. What I want to know are the answers to the more important questions. Which iteration of the Playstation controller was it? Was it the Dual Shock 2 controller from the old Playstation 2? (Cheap to get hold of, and most everyone has one lying around - more bizarrely, even those who don't own a PS2) Was it one of the prototype "Boomerang" controllers, in which case was he laughed out of the shop in advance? Was it a Move controller? If so, did he have to 'case the joint' by setting up a PS3 with a Playstation Eye camera behind the till so it wouldn't look completely out of place? Was it, in actual fact, a "Playstation Remote Control" of the very literal Blu-Ray Remote kind?

Never fear, though, because:
"Justin MacGilfrey, 19, ended up in jail. Surprise!"

The surprising thing is that this writer still has a fucking job, considering he's been identified as a 20-year-old early on in the story. Still, it's a free paper, so you get what you pay for.

1 comment:

  1. "this article defines it as "eating inedible items". They're not inedible then. If someone can eat them, they're edible."

    To quote Mitch Hedburg

    "Any book is a children's book if the child can read"