Saturday, 30 April 2011

DVD Reviews

Blades of Blood
Starring: Seung-Won Cha, Ji-Hye Han, Jung-Min Hwang
Director: Joon-Ik Lee
Metrodome Distribution

Available from Monday 2nd May - £9.99 (DVD)
Review by Brad Harmer

Set during the 'Grand Alliance' of the Chosun Dynasty, the Alliance's leader Lee dreams of eradicating corruption and becoming king. Yet amidst the onslaught of a bloody invasion by the massed troops of the Japanese empire, legendary blind swordsman Hwang, once Lee's closest comrade who was betrayed by his friend, returns to at last enact the battle the two mighty warriors were destined to fight.

Have you ever seen a kung-fu movie before? You have? Cool, then you don’t need to see Blades of Blood. Move on. Nothing to see here – and that’s the whole of the problem. There are character clichés, a political struggle that it’s virtually impossible to give any kind of a crap, hoot, or toss about, and there’s the usual one-on-one, two-on-one, training montage, mass battle, one-on-one fight formula. It’s cookie cutter and – as a result - very, very boring.

It’s a shame, really, as some of the cinematograpy is very nice, and there’s some really emotional moments between the characters – but even this is scabbed up by the kung-fu being lazy and the hero coming off as a constantly crying douchebag. If you’re really into might be worth a rental. Otherwise, move along, guys, move along.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Lots of kung-fu, sword battles, mass epic battles, and some blood.
Sex/Nudity: Minimal.
Swearing: Minimal.
Summary: The direction is nice, at times, but the kung-fu is too bland and the story too formulaic to make this worth getting excited over. 5/10

Real Ghosts UK
Starring: Patrick McNamara, No Ghosts, Some Fabrications
Director: Mr Incompetent

Available from Monday 2nd May - £17.99 (3 DVD Set)
Review by Brad Harmer

Where to begin with this one?

Well, to start with, it’s the most shameless lie in a title since The Neverending Story. There are no ghosts at any point - none that make their presence known beside a medium saying that they’re there, anyway. What we have here is three DVDs, one for each location, of this Patrick McNamara fellow conducting a séance. And his séances are farcial in their stupidity.

Firstly, he (and the subtitles) point out that none of the manifestations that he or the people witness at the séances show up on film – which is a bit fucking convenient, really. So we basically sit for ninety minutes at a time, watching this unbelievable buffoon pretending to show people ectoplasm, or that a ghost is “clinging to his back”, or that “his face is changing”. Of course, as mentioned earlier, none of this shows up on film.

There is no context to any of the investigations. There are no opening credits save some shots of the local town while some grossly overblown Nox Arcana style music blasts way too loud over the top. We’re just dropped in and expected to make sense of it. The editing appears to have been done with a spoon.

Cutting to the chase because I’ve frankly got better things to do that pontificate on what a fucking dire release this is: Congratulations, Wienerworld. This is the worst DVD ever released in any field on any subject and in any genre. I really hope that was what you set out to achieve, as if I thought for a single second that anyone involved in this project at any point believed that it was suitable for release, my sanity would crack.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Sex/Nudity: None.
Swearing: None.
Summary: Sorry, Absence of Light, but the “Worst DVD Ever Released” Title has changed hands. There’s no excuse for watching this, buying this, and especially not releasing it. Cocking shameful. 1/10

No comments:

Post a Comment