Wednesday 30 June 2010

Real Bad Things...

There are two things I know for sure about True Blood Season Three: a) it’s going to be even more irritating and terrible than the previous two series, and b) I will still watch every single episode of it. The one thing I don’t understand is why I’ll watch it. It’s a hideous monstrosity of paper thin characters doing irritatingly stupid things, whilst set against an MTV/OCD flashbang of sex-scenes. I still hold out hope that one day they’re going to do an episode where Eric moves to Miami and sets up a detective agency with Steve from Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, but that’s not enough reason to put up with all this shit, surely?

Firstly, how the fuck does Tara still have any friends? This is a woman who spends all of the first season acting like a surly bitch to everyone around her, loses every job she has, and then spends the second season joining a cult, before ruining her best-friend’s house. Tara is the living embodiment of Douche. And this is a recurring problem with True Blood – most of the characters that I’m supposed to like are spectacular arsehats.

If you knew someone like Tara, you’d wish you didn’t. She’s surly, arrogant, and pretty much a complete cockpouch, even when her friends are bending over backwards to be nice to her. And all her friends accept it. Explain that to me, please.

Sam Merlotte probably strikes most people as a good guy. But he’s not. He spends every episode desperately trying to interfere with the personal lives of all of his staff, or just hiding in the back room being unsociable. Oh, and the less said about the time he turned into a dog so that he would watch Sookie get naked the better.

Sookie, too, is nothing short of douchetastic, for the most part. She’s either throwing her toys out of her pram because Bill doesn't agree with her one hundred per cent, or she’s being the dullest protagonist this side of Bella Swan. And what happened to her mind-reading powers? It started out as an almost crippling disability, and one that she had to work hard to be able control to lead a normal life, and now seems to be a super power she can switch on and off whenever she wants, to maximum advantage.

There are probably only three good characters in all of True Blood: Eric Northman, Jessica Hamby and – to a lesser extent – Bill Compton. I like Jessica because she’s actually got a personality and a character arc (something of a rarity in True Blood). I like Eric because he’s a Viking vampire who owns a pub. I like Bill because he’s not a complete tool, unlike the rest of cast. Bill usually has Sookie’s wellbeing at heart - something that can’t be said of her best friend, Tara.

So why the hell can’t I stop watching it? I never typically have difficulty with doing so. I loved both Dexter and Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles for a while, but I didn’t have any difficulty jacking them in when they started getting dull and/or stupid. True Blood, on the other hand, has always been dull and why can’t I stop?

Maybe it’s because I foolishly believe it’s going to get better. After all, the concept is a pretty interesting one (vampires entering human society), and what I’ve read of the original books are pretty good (although they are more traditional mysteries, with vampires involved, rather than the sex and vampires flashbang of the TV show). True Blood is a mine of potential – potential that remains untapped, and will likely stay that way until they commission my True Blood/Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs crossover series.

Anyhoo, Season Three is currently showing over in the states, and it will be showing over here “soon”. So here, are my big predictions:

Jason Stackhouse will continue to be the dumbest character in the history of fiction being, as he is, a mixture of a Klansman and Jar Jar Binks.

Sookie Stackhouse will be able to use her telepathy to discover not only what people are thinking, but also what they will be thinking, in the near future.

Lafayette will continue to be a mincing wankpot.

Sam Merlotte will give up all pretence towards being one of the good guy crowd, and turn into a heron so that he can be intimate with waterfowl.

Bill Compon will continue his party piece of coming through a door quickly and saying “Sookie!”.

Tara will continue to be as ingratiating and likable as a Big Brother House full of clone Mrs Bennets.

Eric Northman will realise that he’s way too good to be in this show. He will pack up his things, and head off to Miami to the strains of a saxophone solo, to set up his own detective agency. Along the way he will make friends with Steve, a monkey who communicates through a Speak & Spell toy.

I will continue to watch it, without really understanding why.


  1. All I have to say about season 3(living in the US and having seen 2 episodes): Werevolves.

    If it hasn't sold out already, now it has. I don't know if they were involved in the original books, but the timing of adding them to the show amidst all the Twilight-faggotry just screams a desperate attempt to find a new audience.
    You had shifters (I'll admit the premise is pretty cool, you don't usually see people that can basically turn into anything; sticking to a dog is another story), and then maenads (Again, props. Dionysus there, and can you get more awesome than a god of booze without having a god of ass-kicking?). But now, werewolves. How much of a supernatural hodgepodge can there be before any sense of credibility caves in on itself? Telepaths, vampires, shifters, maenads, and now werewolves? Where the hell do they keep coming from?

  2. Haha, just wait, Emperor Helltroll. Trust me, it gets SO much worse. The werewolves were in the original books, and they're pretty damn cool, to be honest. But it's book... Four where the supernatural element reaches new shitty heights.

    I agree with the entire review. True Blood is crap. The books weren't that good until book four, and even that was only slightly more acceptable. They're the kind of books that you hate but can't stop reading because you want to know what happens. So what's with the obsession I have?

    Agree with the character likes/dislikes - but I would add Pam to the like list. She's one of the best and most interesting characters in the books, but she's not being given the airtime she deserves in the series.

    I shall be watching religiously - hating every second of it, and hating myself even more.