Monday 14 June 2010

James Corden Can Cock Off

I've been watching a few games of the World Cup, and though this may make me unpopular with some, I've actually rather enjoyed what I've seen. It's satisfied all my personal objectives so far: I've been able to watch the absolute best footballers that this planet have to offer, at the top of their performance, and I've been able to see the English national faithful knocked down a peg already, and we've only had the one game! Fantastic.

On a related note, any English fans who thought we were capable of winning the trophy, prepare to have your hopes dashed yet again. We're not a good enough team to win the competition, okay? Deal with it, and move on.

Anyway, this week is on the subject of someone who yet again has come to the fore, this time as part of the coaching staff on Soccer Aid a couple of weeks ago, and as a contributor to one of the unofficial songs of the World Cup, Shout. I'll get to the song in a minute, but let's first get to the crux of my ire:

I currently, have always, and will always hate James Corden. I think that the fact that he's one of the country's best-known performers is a sure sign that this country is fucked. Totally and utterly fucked.

Why? Well, let's go into the reasons. First things first, I don't like the look of him. He tries to play on that "aw shucks" kind of naive look, but experience has shown me that he's a smug bastard who'll literally jump at any chance to get his ego-tastic face on TV. He's got a laugh that I imagine people either love or hate, and I'm in the latter camp.

Next, he's been in some of the worst television shows I've ever seen in my life. I'm not talking about his cameo in Doctor Who this weekend, but I haven't seen it, and I probably wouldn't like it if I did, because I can feel pretty confident in guessing that he'll just play the same character he always does, and that it will be neither endearing nor funny.

He was a member of the Gavin & Stacey cast, this is of course what I'm referring to. I've watched a few bits and pieces of this crock of shit, and I've yet to find anything that qualified the show as "funny" in any way whatsoever. This is a hard thing for me to say, as the show also stars Rob Brydon, a comedy great, and yet so strong is my dislike for the show that here I am, decrying a favourite of mine in amongst the dregs.

Apparently, though, much like when there were people who liked Two Pints of Lager... despite their better judgment, the show not only proved to be popular but a smash hit, catapulting the face that only a mother could tolerate into just about everything that has ever happened since. Damningly, nobody seems to have picked up on his limited appeal, but as with last week, I'm doing my bit to chip away at these mountainous tasks in the hopes that it'll help.

If you need proof that Corden believes his own hype, look no further than Lesbian Vampire Killers, where he gets away with playing the same character again in one of the most critically panned films in recent memory. I cannot recall speaking to a person who even remotely enjoyed the film, and I spoke to at least four people on the subject. Four!


Since then he's gone on to write a shit sketch show, host A League Of Their Own, a sports panel quiz show, and gone on to play the same character in a few Comic Relief specials. I'd actually rather listen to Morrissey sing a Christmas album on valium than watch this twat for a millisecond! So what does Corden move on to? Music! Apparently he's now part of a number one single as well, collaborating with Dizzie Rascal on a song called Shout, modelled (read: ripped off) from the Tears for Fears classic.

Now I've heard some butt-fuckings of classic songs by contemporary "musicians", and Lord knows I had some time for Dizzie Rascal before this horseshit, but no more! I have to confess, however, that it's not the worst cover I've heard recently. That "honour" goes to a band called The Blackout and their horrendous version of Traffic by the Stereophonics. I got annoyed by this for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, they played it at a Radio 1 tent as a "tribute" to Stuart Cable, the original drummer for the Stereophonics, who was recently found dead. However, I've found video evidence of them playing it back in March, meaning they already had it in their set-list before he was found dead, so I think to pretend you're playing it as a tribute is a little shitty.

Secondly, if you play a song as badly as they did in tribute, it sort of implies that you're glad the person's dead. Well, we here are not that cruel as to absolutely butt-fuck a song in order to convey our disdain for a recently deceased musician. E14 salutes you Stuart, you were an amazing drummer and by all accounts a top bloke.

Anyway, back to Corden. You're probably by now thinking "Wow Rob, you really hate this guy, and clearly have for quite some time. Why has it taken you this long to come out with all this?" The truth is that until now, I was content enough to let it lie. Until now. What has he done that's set me off? He went off on one on-stage at Patrick Stewart, one of the country's finest actors. That's right, Corden took on Professor X. Bad move, fuckface, now E14 takes notice!

They were presenting awards at the Glamour awards, though fuck knows why frankly, and Patrick Stewart made a comment that Corden looked like he would rather be somewhere else. Corden took issue with this, which would be fair enough if he just left it at that and moved on, but no; he's such a self-important cunt that he decides to start having a go back about how long Stewart is taking. Whoa there, pony, back up now. This is a man who played forty characters in a single performance, not one character across forty performances like yourself. Back the fuck off from Xavier!

Anyway, at this point it just gets surreal, with Stewart making a comment about how Corden's belly was showing, and Corden retorting that he was waiting for a punchline before responding, a sentiment I'm all too familiar with having attempted to watch Horne and Corden. Stewart makes another weird joke (that frankly might have been so intelligent that I just didn't get it) and Corden makes a comment about Patrick Stewart dying. Obviously a massive under-estimation, as experience has shown us that Patrick Stewart will simply transmit his essence into the body of another paraplegic in a local hospital should he ever be killed. By Jean Grey.

Cock off James Corden, you smug prick. E14 is throwing its support behind the obviously superior human being.

3 comments:

  1. i actually text brad on saturday - "James Corden - Man hippo".. what a massive cock he is.. James Corden that is, I rather like Brad..

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  2. He is indeed a total bell-end.

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  3. I didn't think anyone hated him as deeply as I do, what a relief. Was starting to think I needed to poison the water supply to put the rest of the world out of its misery. Its not right to let them live in such a deluded frame of mind. :P

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