Friday 19 March 2010

Shitty Box Art Round-Up

Heavy Rain

Brad: Um...I'm thinking this is cyberpunk.
Rob: I want to play this game so badly.
Brad: very cyberpunk.
Rob: True, it was never "All these....moments...are lost in time like tears in an overcast sky....".
Brad: And, if my experiences are anything to go by, clues made from origami is pretty cyberpunk. So...there's this rain, right, and it's really heavy. So, it's up to Ogopopo the Paper...animal of some save the day. With its magic hoover.
Rob: That's what you reckon the plot is?
Brad: Yes.
Rob: A paper non-descript animal saves the world from rain with a magic hoover?
Brad: To be fair, the cover art doesn't imply its not that.
Rob: ...It's not that.
Brad: What do you think it is?
Rob: I know what it is, but now I'm intrigued and want to see some more of your suggestions as to what it isn't.
Brad: I'll try twenty questions. Is it cyberpunk?
Rob: No.
Brad: Is precipitation involved, or is that an allegory?
Rob: ...Well, there is rain, but I don't believe it's a plot device.
Brad: Is the main character a paper animal called Ogopopo?
Rob: No.
Brad: Does it have a hoover?
Rob: Emphatically no. Well, if it does, it's innocuous and used in the way you might expect.
Brad: One last question.
Rob: That's a short twenty.
Brad: I'm getting bored. Anyway, clear your mind and be impartial for a moment:
Rob: By "be impartial" do you mean "forget what the game's about and go with whatever bat-shit you come out with"?
Brad: Can you honestly say, hand on heart, that you'd rather play a game about whatever the hell this game is about, than play a game in which paper non-descript animal saves the world from rain with a magic hoover? Honestly, now.
Rob: Right, I can see what's happened here, you've obviously got confused. I do own a Wii, but I rarely play it. Does that explain why I wouldn't play that game?
Brad: I lost interest in video games after Blinx the Time Sweeper. That was the bomb.
Rob: I never played it, was it really good?
Brad: Yeah, you can borrow my copy. It should play on your three-six....ooooh. Sorry.
Rob: ...
Brad: Score for this one?
Rob: Based on your plot description, I'd say 7/10.
Brad: 7/10 here, too.

Virtual Families

Rob: My Shameless Plagiarism sense is tingling.
Brad: Yeah. Going on the graphics and tone, I'm thinking this is some sort of urban crime thriller. Like, the brothers in the family keep going missing. And they turn up drowned.
Rob: I'm going to say it's an unlicensed Major League Baseball game.
Brad: I'd love a MLB game to get a UK release. I'd also like them to have the balls to release it in this country as Rounders.
Rob: There's a tremendous sense of "Faith in the Product" when you consider that it retails for a tenner, and includes a £9.99 value full release game bundled in free.
Brad: "Fully trainable people - shape and adapt their personalities by praising and scolding". Isn't that in Imagine: Cult Leader?
Rob: That's with the "Kool-Aid" expansion. It's a downloadable content model.
Brad: "Runs in true real-time". Does that means it runs in more realistic time than...actual time? We've glossed over the fact that Blake appears to be in this game. Oh, no. Wait. That's a lawnmower.
Rob: I often get the two confused.
Brad: Score?
Rob: 5/10, simply because it's reminded me of that time I took Blake to B&Q for an exchange by mistake.
Brad: 6/10, because that's what I rolled.


Brad: Generic fantasy font ahoy. It's a spin off from Dr Who involving sparkly vampires.
Rob: Oh God, really? Great, because the world needs more of both of those.
Brad: This game has no blurb, and scored 8/10 from journals I've never heard of.
Rob: Hopefully they'll have one up for release day, I tend to factor in "what the game's about" as a purchase decision.
Brad: You don't know what it's about?
Rob: Not a clue.
Brad: There's these three guys who have to go off on a quest. The girl is the thief, the guy in the back is the hard-hitter and the guy on the right throws fireballs. They have to get MAGICAL OBJECT to defeat BAD GUY. I can tell that just from the cover art.
Rob: Like fuck am I buying that.
Brad: You're not into the fantasy genre, though, are you? You're more of a sci-fi guy, right?
Rob: I'm more of one, but I'll play a good fantasy game if it's well done. I have Oblivion. That's awesome.
Brad: Game, novel, movie...fantasy is a quantity over quality thing right now.
Rob: True enough, man, no argument there.
Brad: Score for this one?
Rob: 3/10
Brad: 8/10
Rob: Incidentally, what does "netbook mode" mean? You can get it for a third of the price but none of the features work?
Brad: Your mother. That's what it means.

Mortimer Beckett and the Time Paradox

Rob: I've heard of these.
Brad: "Compelling. Compulsive. Addictive.". I'm scared of a society in which those are positive attributes. That's not a video game. That's heroin. Ah, this is one of those electronic "Where's Wally" books, isn't it?
Rob: Yeah, that's the one. Except instead of a guy in a red and white striped jumper, you're left instead to search for a point to your existence.
Brad: Can I ask a serious question at this point?
Rob: By all means.
Brad: What would you rather play as in a video game? A ginger school kid picking shrapnel out of a static image, or a paper non-descript animal saving the world from rain with a magic hoover?
Rob: See, in this case it'd be the second one.
Brad: What is that over his left shoulder? Is it a toaster? A typewriter?
Rob: I thought it was a briefcase. Maybe it's an amalgamation of all three. A toaster that toasts...documents...that you wrote yourself...
Brad: There's some Jaga/Obi-Wan type character in the background. Wow. I can't believe I thought of Thundercats before Star Wars.
Rob: Are you feeling ok?
Brad: Obviously not...What do you suppose the paradox is?
Rob: That this is considered a "game" instead of an "insult".
Brad: I'd like to believe that you plug through six hours of this, and the end sequence is the character you've grown to love simply winking out of existence as his own space-time continuum rights itself.
Rob: That'd be amazing.
Brad: And the post-credit sequence is Blinx the Time Sweeper, chuckling to himself.
Rob: Then a message flashes up saying "Game complete, thanks for the ten quid, fuckface!"
Brad: Score?
Rob: 4/10. I went forward in time and stopped myself from playing it out of curiosity.
Brad: 1/10

See Italian horror maestro Dario Argento moving into classic detective thriller territory in what is generally considered to be his most commercially accessible work to date. The Card Player is an innovative, modern day thriller highlighted by a dazzling set-piece set around a breathtaking ‘cat and mouse’ chase between Anna and the film's eponymous killer.

Considered by many to be a remarkable return to vintage form for the Italian master of suspense and terror, the atmospheric and chilling study of the effects of insanity and violence, The Stendhal Syndrome is full of the dazzling cinematic style and technical wizardry audiences have come to expect from Dario Argento.

Considered the last of the great horror masterpieces from director Dario Argento’s greatest and most critically acclaimed period of filmmaking to date, Terror At The Opera comes to DVD in March as a special edition featuring two edits of the film and three separate audio dubs, including the infamous English language ‘Cannes Film Festival dub’ and the ‘studio approved dub’ that replaced it.

Thanks to our friends at Arrow Video, we've got a complete set of of The Card Player, Terror at the Opera and The Stendhal Syndrome to give away! For your chance of winning one, send us an e-mail to with your name and postal address before midday on Friday 26th March (UK time). The first name drawn out of the electronic hat will win a free copy of each movie!

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