Friday 5 March 2010

Music Reviews: Manowar Special

Battle Hymns

Brad: Concept album, you think?
Rob: Only if the concept was "Let's find the most boring album cover we can". An eagle? That traditionally most boring of birds? Having said that, I do own this album.
Brad: You own all their albums, dude.
Rob: Only two. Is that all of them?
Brad: Oh, no...there's more.
Rob: Then no, I don't own them all. I can only make that claim of a few bands.
Brad: If you're going to have an Iron Eagle on the cover and the word "Hymns" in your title, you're going to have to work very hard to distance yourself from the far right. You having dumpy Jewish guys in the band. Absolutely no tall, muscley blonde guys.
Rob: Works for me. Hence why my new band "Fiat Inferno" will rule the world. It consists of Jewish-looking computer techs named Kyle, Jeff and Nigel.
Brad: "Fiat Inferno" is such a good name for a band.
Rob: Good isn't it? I got it from a newspaper headline.
Brad: What is it the eagle is sitting on? It could be huts, cakes, cardamoms or boobies.
Rob: The words "Battle Hymns", I think.
Brad: No, just above that.
Rob: Dude, those are its talons. Remind me why you failed your medical degree again?
"What are these bits here?"
"Those are the kidneys, Doctor."
"Hmnh. Strange that they're in here. Bin them."
Brad: I failed my medical qualification due to gross misconduct during the gynaecology module. As you well know.
Rob: I do, but some of the readers won't.
Brad: Those are really fluffy talons!
Rob: It's quite a feathery eagle, I suppose. Compared to others I've seen. Like those bald eagles.
Brad: Score?
Rob: I'll go for 4 score...and seven years ago...
Brad: 10/10

Into Glory Ride

Brad: The second one in's taking a dump.
Rob: God, this looks scarily like a nightmare I had.
Brad: They all look like really good contenders for my mate Omer's Hallowe'en costume this year.
Rob: What did/is he go/going as last/this year?
Brad: He went as a Viking/Barbarian/Turisas type-thing last year.
Rob: Nice.
Brad: I think it was Hallowe'en, anyway. I've only seen photos. Knowing him (and I do) it may have been a wedding.
Rob: I'm still hoping to go as Mrs Doubtfire this year.
Brad: That would be great. You know, apart from the chap having a poo, they all look really uncomfortable with those swords.
Rob: Yeah, he does seem more at ease, doesn't he?
Brad: Respect to the guy on the left. It takes guts to get your legs out in public.
Rob: I still have yet to do so.
Brad: This is especially true in wrestlers. You need real confidence to wrestle in just pants. Imagine Chris Jericho or Hulk Hogan in pants. Can't do it, can you?
Rob: Dude...
Brad: Looks wrong, right?
Rob: Dude...
Brad: Yes?
Rob: You're aware that Hogan used to use trunks, and Jericho currently does?
Brad: No. Seriously?
Rob: Yeah, really.
Brad: can't think of any wrestler who has never worn pants off of the top of my head. What I do know is that if you try it with Jushin Liger, he looks downright deviant. Score for this one?
Rob: 9/10
Brad: 10/10. Dice Like Manowar.
Rob: I didn't even know you were using them. It made enough sense that I wasn't sure.

Hail to England

Brad: We're back in Aryan Supremacist territory again. I find it hard to believe Manowar are English, you know.
Rob: What makes you say that?
Brad: The fact they're from America, mostly.
Rob: Yeah, that makes sense actually.
Brad: So...this is a really odd album title for an American band. And the bloke on the cover really doesn't look English. He looks Eternian, if anything.
Rob: Yeah, Eternia seems to be Manowar's spiritual home.
Brad: There has to be a Masters of the Universe themed power metal band somewhere. On the web, if nowhere else. I'm certainly tempted to start one.
Rob: People have covered the theme tune on MySpace, but I can't see a band themed on it.
Brad: I feel a disturbance in the force...I can't help but feel Omer's picking up his guitar. This album is seven tracks long and clocks in at thirty-three minutes. They don't build them like that anymore.
Rob: Weezer do. Pinkerton's about thirty-five minutes and awesome. And that's ten tracks. Not quite the same style, I grant you.
Brad: There's a growing trend recently for album to be over an hour long, that's all. Which is a shame. It basically means every album these days is a double album in old money. Score?
Rob: 7/10, Guvnor.
Brad: 10/10. Uh...what are the odds of that?
Rob: 1 in 10000, I think.

Fighting the World

Brad: "FIGHTING THE WORLD...except England. We have a soft spot for England.". You got this one?
Rob: Nope. I'm sort of glad, in a way. I wouldn't want them looming like that.
Brad: Imagine this as a poster on your bedroom wall.
Rob: Isn't second from left Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat?
Brad: There's a similarity. Did he ever wear leather chaps?
Rob: Not on-Screen
Brad: On a slight tangent, Mortal Kombat FTW. Would you like to see the best acting of all time, from Mortal Kombat: Annihilation?
Rob: Go for it.

Rob: Nice.
Brad: Death to False Punctuation!
Rob: Don't you mean: "Death to False Punctuation."
Brad: There so should have been a Manowar Saturday Morning Cartoon. I'd have bought all the toys. Had the Manowar Castle playset. Well, it was a gym/rehearsal room, really...but roomy!
Rob: Sounds awesome, I'm sorry I missed it.
Brad: I...what? Score?
Rob: 7/10
Brad: 10/10. Maybe I should call an exorcist.

The Triumph of Steel

Brad: You know what's weird? This is exactly what I look like in my head.
Rob: Trust me. It's in your head.
Brad: You may laugh, but if I ever jack into a Matrix-Type-Thing, this will be my residual self-image. Is it just me, or is there something horrendously wrong with this chap's ribcage?
Rob: I can't see any problems. But then I've taken off my glasses. And looked directly into a solar eclipse. And then rubbed dog crap into my eyes.
Brad: I can see why you're not so keen on this new job. Score?
Rob: As E14 goes, I think it should get about....17/10?
Brad: 20/10. Okay, this is getting weird...
Rob: Always have to one-up me don't you...or in this case three-up.
Brad: I tried a different dice. But...But it was a d4...

1 comment:

  1. Another slightly puzzling thing about Manowar's 'Hail To England' album is the fact that they chose to use the British flag instead of, you know, the ENGLISH flag.