Rob : I'm going to see a doctor at some point in the near future.
Brad: A proper one, or one of those Spider-Man Villain Doctors?
Rob : Which ever is free when I am, I suppose.
"What do you reckon the problem is then, doc?"
"That pesky web-slinger has foiled my plan to convert the city's water supply to opium!"
"So...exercise?"
Brad: What do you need to see them about?
Rob : I don’t know of anything definite really, it feels like my lungs aren't working as well as they should.
Brad: Cut back on smoking?
Rob : By that logic, I need to start MAKING cigarettes.
Brad: Nah, you just take up smoking, and then cut back again.
What can possibly go wrong?
Rob : …How long did you smoke for again?
Brad: Nearly ten years.
Rob : Yeah, so that can go wrong. Why did you quit again?
Brad: Purely the cost. Which led to the scenario Blake summed up as: "So, you quit smoking cigarettes because you couldn't afford it, and now only smoke the finest Cuban cigars?"
Rob : ...Yeah...
Brad: So you getting breathing problems consistently?
Rob : Not breathing problems as such: I'm always yawning even when I first wake up, and yawning is your body's way of drawing in more breath for more oxygen, and that lasts all day. I'm still getting the spells of faintness.
Brad: You on caffeine?
Rob : I've cut down, but yeah.
Brad: There's your answer.
Rob : What, the cut-down?
Brad: I tried cutting back the caffeine in the run up to Christmas, and I felt like death warmed up. Relentless FTW.
Rob : I had a Relentless for the first time in months before Xmas, it was like being on acid. Not the drug, the corrosive stuff.
Brad: You getting any pain along with the yawning?
Rob : My back just now, but I am sitting awkwardly.
Brad: Nausea?
Rob : Not that I can recall.
Brad: Excessive sweating?
Rob : Define excessive?
Brad: Point. Do you actually feel tired when you're yawning?
Rob : Not consistently.
Brad: Have you been on heroin recently?
Rob : …Define recently…No.
Brad: Hunh. I must need to add a third symptom, then.
How are your stools? (That means poop)
Rob : More regular than usual, but then I've been eating better generally. The past couple of days have been misleading anyway, because obviously there was that whole "Two meals and a crap-ton of jalapenos" thing on New Year’s Eve.
Brad: Any sinus problems? Oh, Jesus...there's a "society problems" section... This might take a while.
Rob : Yes, mild irritation. But that's fairly consistent. I've got my mum's sinuses, they've always been temperamental.
Brad: Eye problems?
Rob : Nothing beyond them not working without glasses.
Brad: Sure? I thought your eye was bugging you the other day.
Rob : Oh yeah, the watering thing. I forgot about that. That could just be something on my finger that got in my eye though.
Brad: It's a good thing I'm a shitty doctor, because you're a really shitty patient. Right, I've whittled it down to five possible causes.
Rob : Shoot.
Brad: All of which are some kind of drug withdrawal, including Heroin and Morphine.
Rob : Why has someone set up a Twitter account for RIP Patrick Swayze? Surely it's got limited lifespan...
Rob : You'd do yourself so many favours by changing your msn name to Brad while we do DDM
Brad: Like this? Good point.
Rob : I know it's only a Find/Replace thing on Word, but it's one less thing to have to do eh? Find/Replace makes E14 exchange so much quicker.
Brad: Good idea.
Rob : I have those occasionally: Now without the headaches, so Win!
Prepare yourself for a racy riot of buxom brawling babes, ballistic bedlam, crazed catfights and gratuitous sapphic romps in Bitch Slap, a sassy celebration and post-modern parody of 1950s, 60s and 70s exploitation movies.
Imagine Sin City produced by Roger Corman, directed by Russ Meyer – and shot in glorious Technicolor rather than dull monochrome! – and you’ll have some idea of what Bitch Slap is all about.
Directed by Corman protégé Rick Jacobson, starring a trio of titillating temptresses in the form ofJulia Voth, Erin Cummings and America Olivo, and co-starring ‘Xena/Hercules’ alumni Michael Hurst, Kevin Sorbo, Lucy Lawless and Renee O’Connor, along with Quentin Tarantino’s stunt woman of choice Zoe Bell, this is pure, sexy, mindless cinematic joy from sensational start to explosive finish.
The plot follows three badass chicks – stripper Trixie (Voth), corporate powerbroker Hel (Cummings)and psychotic drug-runner Camero (Olivo) – as they crash at a remote desert hideaway with a plan to steal $200 million in diamonds from a ruthless underworld kingpin. But as allegiances change and bitter truths are revealed, the girls’ plan spirals dangerously out of control, forcing them to face a variety of villains much worse than themselves and leaving the very fate of the world in the balance.
Bitch Slap (cert.18 will be released on DVD (£15.99) by Momentum Pictures on 19th April 2010.
Any sinus problems?
ReplyDeleteI read this as 'anus' problems at first sight, which made momentary sense because of the reference to the "crap-ton of jalapenos"...
I'll get me coat. ;)