Monday 15 February 2010

Just When You Thought It Was Safe....NEWSFALSH!!!

Welcome once again to Newsfalsh!, E14's pick of the weird and wonderful goings-on of the planet we call 'home'.

And by God, it's been a while, so let's get right to it!

Man refused bus ride in Dorset over tin of fence paint

I'll be entirely honest here and say that this is not the first time I've heard this story told, nor will it be the last. I am at a loss, however, to discover how it was deemed newsworthy enough to go on the BBC's news website.

The first thing that struck me about this article was the fact that the spurned Mr Wakley (which I'm not convinced is a proper surname in the first place) was 10 miles from home when he bought the tin of fence paint. 10 miles? Are you seriously telling me that Dorset is that lacking in DIY supply shops that he had to travel 10 miles in order to find a tin of green fence paint?

Well, apparently so, let's give him the benefit of the doubt for as long as he doesn't say or do anything stupid. In this case, it lasts about two paragraphs.

Mr Wakley, who said he was over 65...

...Why couldn't he be more precise? Presumably, he's worried about being singled out by bus companies as a nuisance passenger and maybe banned from future voyages or getting his bus pass. Heaven forfend that the bus companies can identify him from...I don't know...his name and his current area of residence. You don't need Columbo for that, and thank fuck, because he's fictional.

Why, then, was Mr Wakley (I'm onto you, pal, reveal your real name...) so insistent that everything was all A-Ok with his pot of paint?

"It was a five-litre sealed plastic pot. I know it was innocuous because I took the liberty of contacting the manufacturer..."

You don't know you're born until you receive that tech-support call.

"Hello, Dulux customer services, Jeff speaking."
"Hi, I have a question about your paint."
"Ok, fire away."
"Is it innocuous?"
"...I'm sorry?"
"I have a sealed five-litre plastic pot of green fence paint. Is that innocuous?"

Now, interestingly enough, the rules are actually in place to stop paint being spilled on upholstery and other passengers, which makes more sense than my original theory, which was something to do with fumes. What's more amusing to me than the regulation is the reaction of the passenger when told he wasn't allowed to take it on the bus.

"I said, 'It's a can of paint'"...

Well done, your brain hasn't failed you even in your old age. How old is that again?

Australian grandmother beats off attacking shark

Before you go getting excited, it's not THAT kind of "Woman beats off shark" article. This one is safe for work viewing, though the abundance of the word "Fuck" in the previous and subsequent articles probably tips the balance in the other direction to be honest.

To be fair to anyone who was initially confused, the article uses terms like describing her having felt "the most almighty huge tug" and the fact that she knows exactly what it is. SHARK WANG!

Mrs Trumbull (another dubious sounding name, there's a theme this month - I swear it wasn't planned) sounds, however, like a cross between Rambo and Arnie. What a badass! She turns around while snorkelling, and is surprised to feel the tug that made her realise she was at the risk of shark attack, and what does she say to herself? Mrs Trumbull said: "I then thought 'this shark's not going to get the better of me'" and decides to give the shark a good kicking.

Incidentally, who's surprised to see a shark in the sea? If I saw a shark in a Butlin's swimming pool, I'd be amazed. If it turned up on one of those cruise ships with the surfing simulator that I've seen on TV, then I'd be fucking gobsmacked. Generally, I think that the sea is just the most likely place for a shark really. Aside from the Sea-Life Centre, and they don't tend to allow snorkelling.

What's astounding is not that she survived, but that the Australian surgeons are so skilled in the event of shark attack:

Surgeon Mark Flanagan said: "We can estimate that she lost about 40 per cent of her blood volume from the degree of shock that she had when she came in, and the fact that we required to give her several units of blood."

I dread to think at the amount of trial and error that went into deducing the amount of blood lost to the amount of shock suffered.

"Hey Mark, I think that she's lost less than 40%, the blood's leaking out through her eyes. I think she's full."

Rock singer Courtney Love addresses Oxford Union

FUCKING HELL, the world is on its arse, and the horsemen are almost upon us.

One of the things that has been true of me since I've been old enough to notice has been this simple fact: I HATE Courtney Love. I hate her so much it's not even funny. I do not understand why she is famous, and why the world still gives two shits about her since her famous husband died. What was his name again? I forget... I bet she doesn't, because she's been dining off his name since his death.

I first started hating her when she was blocking the Nirvana Greatest Hits CD from coming out, and to this day I don't understand what the fuck it had to do with her. I get that they were married, but to be fair I can't imagine he liked her very much - I mean, he would rather suck off a 12-gauge than kiss her goodbye, so that gives you an idea.

One of the things I've hated about her since I've been aware of her is how intelligent she tries to come off, and to me it always seems ridiculous, especially recently during a row over Kurt Cobain's (That's his name!) appearance as an unlockable character in Guitar Hero 5, where she claimed that she'd only signed over the rights to his songs and not the use of his likeness. She wasn't happy, apparently, with the fact that you could play through any song as Cobain. If I was Activision and she had kicked off like that despite being paid off (presumably quite handsomely) for the use of Cobain, I'd find a way to put him in Tony Hawk and get your money's worth.

Further examples of Love trying to come off as deep include:

She said her love for their 17-year-old daughter, Frances Bean, was the most important thing in the world to her.

It came a day after restrictions on her access to her daughter were extended.

"Yeah, my daughter's the most important thing to me today. If it gets any longer without seeing her, though, I'll be buying a new one...only for her likeness to appear in Marvel: Ultimate Alliance in a few years."

Incidentally, it seems Love has become sick of being simply known as Kurt Cobain's widow. Then DO SOME FUCKING WORK! Rest assured that she's been hard at work on some new music, inspired by, and I'm not making this up, "quantum physics videos on youtube." If ever there was a sentence that describes how fucked up we are as a race, that's it right there.

This is where I draw the line with this news story.
"I'm having my Demeter and Persephone moment with my daughter."
Supposedly THAT demonstrates that she's into Greek mythology. All it seems to show me is that she knows the name of two Greek Gods. And are you seriously telling me that Demeter sold the rights to Zeus' name for use in God of War? I find that hard to believe...

Momentum Pictures presents Wolfhound, a ferocious fantasy epic of swords, medieval kingdoms and vengeance, available on DVD from February 22nd 2010.

Based on a bestselling novel, Wolfhound is an extraordinary adventure, filled with thunderous battles, incredible special effects and fantastic, never-before-seen creatures.

From the special effects team who brought you the Nightwatch vampires, Wolfhound combines stunning special effects and set pieces in an earth-shattering beast of a movie.

The sole survivor of the slaughtered Gray Dog clan, the warrior Wolfhound lives for revenge. Nursed back to health by a mystical druid after escaping a life of slavery in cruel mountain mines, he has spent years pursuing the evil warlords who murdered his family before his eyes during childhood.

Now a paid mercenary, the fierce fighter is swept into a battle to stop an evil sorcerer from freeing an ancient God of destruction, accompanied only by a blind healer, a young scholar, and a beautiful slave.

Thanks to our friends at Momentum Pictures, we've got two copies of Wolfhound to give away! For your chance of winning one, send us an e-mail to with your name and postal address before midday on Monday 22nd February (UK time). The first two names drawn out of the electronic hat will win free copy!

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