Wednesday 9 December 2009

The E14 Nativity Play

So, there’s this donkey. He’s just minding his own business, when he gets bought by a carpenter. We’ll call the donkey “Garwood”. This is for no other reason that I think it’s a good name for a donkey.

Anyway, Garwood is your common or garden donkey. I know you don’t often get donkeys in your garden, but that’s what they’re called. Don’t blame me. I didn’t invent donkeys. I’m not even related to Garwood.

Anyway, this carpenter who is either called Joseph or Jim-Bob has bought this donkey because he needs to take his wife or girlfriend to Bethlehem, to go and see the Judas Priest. Apparently their admin is so bad that they can only go and have their census taken at the town where they’re born. Oh, yeah, prior to all this, Mary (she’s Jim-Bob’s bird) has had a messenger.

The Blood Angel Gabriel arrived and told her that she was going to give birth to the Son of God, and that he would be named Jesus. When she points out that this is impossible, as she’s a virgin, Gabriel replies that it’s God’s will. And so she’s pregnant.

Jim-Bob is retarded, and believes this.

So, Jim-Bob, Mary and Garwood all head off to Bethlehem. When they get there Mary knows that if the stores are all closed, with a word she can get what she came for. As it turns out, all the hotels and stuff are full up – because they had stupidly supposed that they were the only ones in the world who’d need a place to stay at census time, and hadn’t thought about telephoning ahead. I’m just saying that Garwood is probably the most intelligent one in this little bunch.

At this time, The Blood Angel Terminator had also appeared to a bunch of shepherds on a hill. They were all rather surprised to see him turn up, and ran shrieking and feared. Gabriel replied “Don’t be afraid, you fucking pussies. I’m a fucking angel. If I was a demon, you’d be fucking dead by now. Grow some ball hair you fucking sheep fuckers.”

The shepherds crawled back, and Gabriel delivered his message.

“Fuck. Look, basically, God’s decided that you guys need to be shown how to do this properly. He doesn’t want to have to go through with the whole ‘flood’ thing again, because frankly, that takes way too much fucking effort to clean up after. The admin’s a cocking nightmare. Anyway, he’s basically sending his tag-team partner down to chuck you guys a few pointers. Follow that star there.”

At this point, Gabriel pointed in the general direction of the sky. The shepherds all nodded their assent, and fucked off.

Anyway, Gabriel then flew off to see the three wise men: their names were Dengar, Melkor and Bolt-Thrower. They were very pleased to hear that tag-team partner of the Lord was going to come and layeth the smacketh down on all the sinners of the world. So they journeyed to Bethlehem.

Meanwhile, the evil King Crimson had heard that the tag-team partner of the Lord was going to be coming along sometime soon, and he didn’t like the sound of that, because he was King of the Ring, or some such. So he decided to kill a fuckton of babies, because bad-guys are bad-guys.

Meanwhile, the shepherds and the three awesome dudes had arrived, and spent a good twenty minutes or so worshipping Jesus, the tag-team partner of the Lord. That night, the Blood Angel Gabriel sent a message to Jim-Bob, telling him about the evil plans of King Crimson, and that he must take the baby Jesus away. Jim-Bob knew what he must do, and so sent Jesus and Mary away on Garwood, back to Nazareth and safety.

Here is where the normal nativity story ends. Personally, I don’t like it, because it doesn’t really give Herod his come-uppance. He basically kills, as mentioned earlier, “a fuckton of babies”, and is able to get away scot-free, whilst Jesus, Mary and Jim-Bob run away. That’s why I’ve written this extra ending.

“No!” demanded the infant child. “It must not be so.”

Grabbing his Sword of Power, Jesus cried out, “By the power of Grayskull!” and pointed the blade at Garwood, who turned into a giant armour plated donkey, named Battle Donkey.

Together, Jesus and Battle-Donkey rode to the Palace of King Crimson, and cried out “In the name of the Lord, who is killing the fuckery out of all these babies?”

“I am!” returned the evil King Crimson, leaping down from the balcony and striking a superb kung-fu pose.

“Like buggery you are!” cried Jesus, and Battle Donkey charged forward, but was tragically felled by a spinning kick from King Crimson.

“Ha! Your kung-fu is strong, but not strong enough, I fear!” said King Crimson.

“Look behind you!” smiled Jesus.

“I’m not falling for that one!” said King Crimson.

“Fair enough.” Said Jesus. “But you really should, you know.”

King Crimson slowly turned around, and stared directly into the faces of a Space Marine Dreadnought and The Ultimate Warrior.

"Ah, clungetits..." groaned King Crimson.

Using its Power Fist, the dreadnought tore off King Crimson’s neck, and (using the only method of communication left to him) The Ultimate Warrior shat down his neck.

And everyone lived happily ever after...


  1. Battle Donkey F... T... W...

  2. For some reason, my inner reading voice turned into Beavis and Butthead whilst reading this :) also DOOMCLENCHING congratulation on mentioning at least 4 bands in that ;)

    if only this were the adaptation of the nativity school took on, perhaps id give a little bit more of a shit about religion!