Tuesday 24 February 2009

Video Game Reviews


Brad: Did they have to make the girl so Aryan? It makes our job easy, yet strangely awkward.
Rob: I like the fact that this series is called Mind Your Language as if German is somehow a series of curse words..."3D representation of a school that the player is free to explore and discover hidden words and letters". Yeah, that was one of my favourite bits about school: "let me just open my locker, oooh look, I found an adverb"
Brad: 3D is the world's most overrated marketing device. The entire world is 3D, yet video games market it like it's some new gimmick.
Rob: They're doing that with movies as well now.
Brad: Yeah, so I hear. I'm going to watch the hell out of 3-D Star Wars, though.
Rob: Did you know that not all films are in 3-D all the way through?
Brad: I don't follow...
Rob: All right: say for argument's sake it's My Bloody Valentine in 3-D. Not all of the film is in 3-D, only key scenes
Brad: Like Nightmare on Elm Street 6?
Rob: Um...yes?
Brad: Okay. Why is the guy on the right holding a wrench?
Rob: I think he's the Language Mechanic.
Brad: Did they have to make the girl's hat look quite so much like an SS cap? It makes our job easy, yet strangely awkward.
Rob: Isn't that hilarious? The age restriction is in German! Isn't that somewhat redundant if this is for beginners?
Brad: Score?
Rob: I'll say a sechs, or 6, because it sounds a bit like sex.
Brad: I'm giving is a 7/10, based on the d10 I just rolled.
Rob: Ooh, that's a good system!
Brad: Yeah, don't let on, but it's pretty much how I review the CDs every week.


Brad: I think I've discovered the most redundant game of all time. NERF = a way of shooting your friends with a gun, without hurting them. First-Person Shooter = a way of shooting your friends with a gun without hurting them. NERF First-Person Shooter = a way of shooting your friends with a...wait a minute..why don't we just...I made a similar point a while ago over a paintball game released on the PS2. If it's a video game, why does it have to be a paintball gun? Why not just make it an ordinary gun?
Rob: That's a good question. I would have said the peripheral was optional, but if they're packing it in with the game, that's not even an option.
Brad: In a perfect world, that peripheral would be another nail in Nintendo's coffin.
Rob: For all your Wii-bashing, I bet I can find a peripheral that improves your opinion of the system. In fact, I already have...

Brad: It looks exactly like the gun I have for Lethal Enforcers on the Sega Mega-CD. Go Nintendo! Continue to innovate!
Rob: I saw one in a store today, it's enormous.
Brad: "Play with over 25 Nerf blasters including the Maverick REV-6, Vulcan EBF-25, Longshot CS-6, and many never seen before!". Back to my point, I had no idea there was any difference between NERF guns besides the colour.
Rob: I assume it's just superficial differences. I find it hard to believe there are sub-categories, like machine guns and shotguns; although sadly, I know there are.
Brad: I...still can't get my head around the pointlessness of this game. Is this aimed at the First-Person Shooter fan or the NERF fan?
Rob: It's a new group they're trying to create, the FERPENS They will prevail!
Brad: I know it's cheating, but I just watched the trailer, and now I hate computer games.
Rob: Jesus...
Brad: Seriously, what's next? A DS cartridge based around reading classic novels?
Rob: I'm gonna give it a 4.
Brad: 1d10 says 9.
Rob: Saves rationalising it, i guess...


Rob: I'd love to imagine a ballet dancer, but unfortunately a court order says I'm not allowed.
Brad: All I'm saying is that I refuse to believe it's coincidence that all the shit games I choose for us to review are on Nintendo.
Rob: It's a definite quantity over quality scenario over there, but then that's where the money is.
Brad: Does 3+ refer to the age range, or the number of mini-games this game has? Nintedo doesn't really make games anymore. It makes collections of mini-games.
Rob: I have to correct you there, most of the mini-game compilations are by other publishers. Have you noticed that all of the girls on these boxes have mysterious blue swirly crotches?
Brad: I'd love to look at the crotch to verify that, but unfortunately a court order says I'm not allowed. Score?
Rob: I'll give it a 3+.
Brad: 2/10


Brad: I swear I’m not picking on Nintendo games.
Rob: Is his gravity in some way different?
Brad: Why don't people wear bow ties anymore?
Rob: I think the spinning ones have spoiled it for the rest of them
Brad: With a name like "Professor Heinz Wolf", he really missed the boat not getting on the Learn German game. What event was so calamitous at the photoshoot that they had to PhotoShop the apple in afterwards?
Rob: Maybe he's holding something dirty, like a dildo. Dildos are subject to gravity too. that'd be an awesome game for Wii, on a related note: Professor Heinz Wolff's Gravity: After Dark, and he's holding a Fleshlight or something
Brad: The box promises "Amazing minigames for exciting matches with friends". Surely they can only be "dropping shit and seeing what hits the ground first"? There's that "minigames" word again, though.
Rob: I don’t know if there are variations on stuff like that... like dropping Fleshlights.
Brad: Stop saying that. I don't want E14 to be the number one Google result for "fleshlights".
Rob: It'd get us some more Google Ad traffic though, maybe.
Brad: In the worst possible way... "In-game hints to help you on your way"
1: Pick up shit
2: Drop shit
3: Watch shit fall
4: Repeat
Rob: "Gravity makes stuff fall"
Brad: See, I can see how last month's Mr Physics might have had some mileage, but just "Gravity"? That makes it too specific, and I can't help but feel it would suffer as a result. It's like if Theme Hospital was purely based around Triaj.
Rob: What's next? Dr Karl Offenbacker's Centripetal Force?
Brad: Doktor Kurt Krankenschwester Presents: Hooke's Law - The Party Game Edition. Score?
Rob: 9.8m/s squared
Brad: Picking up d10, dropping it, and watching it fall: 7/10


Brad: Who the fuck is she?
Rob: I have no idea, but the name "Fitness Ultimatum" is hilarious to me. It could have been "Ultimate Fitness", that'd have been fine.
Brad: It basically means that a game has gone from conception to publication without anyone thinking to look up the word "ultimatum" in the dictionary. Presumably becuase there's no Professor Adolf Katzenjammer's Looking Shit Up In The Dictionary game yet. I would, however, like to point out that this is also a Nintendo game.
Rob: Maybe this game was preceded by "Fitness Identity" and "Fitness Supremacy".
Brad: I like the girl on the far right. Her body language seems to say "What the fuck am I doing?"
Rob: She looks a bit like Carmen Electra only not overrated, as neither of us have heard of her, let alone had her rammed down our throats as attractive.
Brad: This is a game that could finally use Nintendo's Fleshlight peripheral.
Rob: Is it safe to say you'd hit that then?
Brad: What's your score for this one?
Rob: I'll say 7, cos i'd probably hit that too, but only the one who doesn't know why she's there. I admire her naivety.
Brad: 1d10/10, modified to 1d10+2/10 if it turns out she's some relation to Shawn Michaels.


Rob: ...Imagine My Secret World, By Imagine?
Brad: Going purely on the cover artwork...I have no idea what the fuck this is.
Rob: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say a rip-off.
Brad: Going by the woman in her late twenties pretending to be a teenage girl whilst showing off her bare feet, it just as easily be called It Came From Brad's Internet History!!!. I'd like to give this a score but...
Rob: Go on...
Brad: 1) I'm still not sure I comprehend what it's about and 2) I dropped my d10 under the table.


  1. Now I know why Brad was wittering on the other day about transcribing messenger chats. Nice format for a review, with a good double act going. ;)

  2. BTW, now that we've been formally introduced, why not add "Roll dice and kick ass!" to your blogroll? And please don't forget the apostrophes, they're artistically significant! ;)

  3. There, I've even gone and added you to RD/KA!'s 'Friends' list. You'll be keeping some esteemed company, which should reassure you as your street cred and general coolness vanishes rapidly thanks to the new company you're keeping! ;)