Tuesday 10 February 2009

Music Reviews

More music reviews for you now, with the quality of the entire package judged solely on the cover artwork. It's the only fair way.

Empire of the Sun - Walking On A Dream

Wow, I'm really torn on this one. There are so many elements that just scream "emo shite". The dubious eye make-up...the My Chemical Romance jacket on the dude at the back...

But then, this album has a) an army of elephants riding up the right flank, b) a tiger charging across an ocean, c) a futuristic city and d) holy shit, is that Death Star?

Or you could just put this down and buy some Coheed and Cambria. They're certainly less faggy than Empire of the Sun. And when Coheed and Cambria are less faggy than something, that's a hell of a statement. - 6/10

Nashville Pussy - From Hell To Texas

You know what happened when I saw this album cover? I came. And not your usual "oh-my-god-its-so-awesome-I-came-gag". No, I literally got in my car, drove over to Rob's mum's house, and wanked into her tea. Then poured it in her ear. That's how awesome this album cover is.

I mean, this literally checks all of the right boxes. Cowboys, a noose, hot chicks with big guns and bigger knockers, and a young Lars Ulrich holding three sticks of dynamite. I proclaim this the greatest album of all time. - 9/10

Chris Squire's Swiss Choir - Chris Squire's Swiss Choir

With tracks like: "O Tannenbaum", "Silent Night" and "In The Bleak Midwinter"...who the fuck scheduled the release date for February?

"Hey, Chris has finally turned in that Christmas project of his!"
"Great! We can still make the deadline, right?"
"Kinda." - 6/10

Morrissey - Years Of Refusal

Here's the problem. I honestly don't know how to review this album:

So, I brought in Rob Wade to help me out with some expert advice!

Brad: I'm doing my album reviews, and I need your help on this one.
Rob: Okay.
Brad: Now, what do you make of this?

Rob: Good lord, to think i used to respect that man...Is it me, or does he seem unusually bulky to you? I mean, this is a guy who told us meat is murder...is he seriously saying he's not been having the odd burger?
Brad: Maybe he's weight-training, that's the obvious answer. He couldn't use dumbells, due to religious beliefs, so he's doing isometrics with toddlers.
Rob: That would make a lot more sense. At least, as far as anything thought of by Morrissey makes sense, I guess. "Everyday is like Sunday", according to Morrissey. And that's only really true since shops started opening on Sundays.
Brad: The only Morrisey lyric I can remember is: "And if a ten ton truck, kills the both of us, to die by your side, under the wheels of Optimus Prime..."
Rob: It's a nice idea in theory, but then it does depend on a number of conditions: a) they have to be hit by a ten ton truck and b)it has to kill them both. Only then is it "a heavenly way to die". If one of them dies and one's a cripple, I imagine it's a wasted day out.
Brad: I get the feeling this cover started as a joke by the photographer. He must have been chuckling when Morrissey posed for it, and now that it's being printed up for general release he's laughing like the inventor of Monty Python's Deadliest Joke.
"I can't believe they're agreeing to this!!!"
Rob: Is it me or does Morrissey seem to be sporting a Tattoo made of hemp?
Brad: What are the odds of this being the same baby from the cover of Nevermind?
Rob: Considering the albums are 16 years apart, i'd say it's not impossible, but highly unlikely.
Brad: It's actually very easy to abduct a child, you know.

Rob: Is that right?
Brad: Think about it. How often do you see a kid screaming it's head off in a shopping mall or whatever, only to have the parent come over, and physically pick it up and carry it away? You must see that at least once a week, right?
Rob: Yeah, I can see where this is going...
Brad: No one intervenes, no one questions...You only assume that that's the parent. You don't know. POW! - kidnapping. How many kidnappings have you seen in your life? Speaking purely in terms of probability, you must have seen at least one genuine kidnapping.
Rob: That makes a scary amount of sense. This, of course that begs the question - has Morrissey abducted that child?
Brad: I'd go one further than that. I think he's kidnapped that child...and that is actually the child of the photographer.
Rob: So in your mind, the conversation goes thusly:
"Morrissey, how are you? Are you ready for the shoot? do you have any ideas?"
"I was thinking I could cradle a child over a bad-ass hemp tattoo"
"That's possibly the worst idea I've ever heard, I won't do it."
"Interesting. Hey, is this little Davey? Come here, little man..."
"I hate you, Morrissey..."
Brad: We haven't commented on the fact that the toddler has a rather knowing grin. Unless that's the kind of grin anyone would have whilst being cradled by one of The Smiths.
Rob: That nappy's not tied all the way round...

Brad: Wow! You're right, it isn't! Well spotted.
Rob: It caught my eye while i was admiring the hemp tattoo.
Brad: I can only assume that the baby's ass is going into some kind of duct and into Morrisey's pants, due to some kind of baby poo fetish on his part.
Rob: It wouldn't be the weirdest thing i'd heard about him
Brad: You've got weirder than rigging a baby's bum up to his pants, whilst the baby tries to let us all know via the age-old medium of looking smug?
Rob: The rumours go round about Morrissey all the time: he's gay, he's straight, he's a woman, he has no penis, he is made of Nutella...
Brad: In conclusion?
Rob: 7/10, because i never thought i'd hear a day when tattoo enthusiasts are saying "I need some new weave work done".
Brad: Yeah, I'm going 7/10 here too, for the toupee that has obviously slipped under our comedic radar.

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