Thursday 5 April 2018

Aaron’s Spoiler-Free Review of "Rings"

When I heard this film was coming out, I had to venture a guess on what would happen, and it went a little bit like this: someone watches tape, they get a phone call after said viewing that delivers the whole “seven days” shtick, and then the rest of the film is a couple of people going on a whacky adventure to find answers on how to stop it, rather than just following the simple instructions they were given upon viewing. And would you believe it, I was bang on the money! But without giving too much away, think Planet of the Apes.

I absolutely despised this film, it has to be said. It was as though they got a bunch of post-it notes with scribblings of stale horror clichés, horrid character traits and piss-poor mood-establishing techniques, stuck them to a wall, and then called in Meg from the set design department, gave her a blindfold and a handful of darts and said “right, whatever sticks – stays!” and boom! The storyboard was complete.

Now, I could probably forgive this film if it was low budget, a first-time director who was also 12 and had never seen a horror movie before, but that’s not the case. The introduction of the whole “videotape within a videotape” plot also drove me up the wall, to the point where I wouldn’t have been surprised if this bunch of filmmakers didn’t just go ahead and just call their movie Ringception in a strange bout of trying to be clever.

This film has it all, even the POV through the keyhole technique that makes you say “wait for it…aaaaand…” bosh! An eye looks back at them, making me wonder if ghosts just hang about random keyholes to see if they can try and make anyone jump with some sort of watered down valance, only to have us viewers saying “oh for fuck’s sake, really?! We’re doing this?”.

It also has Johnny Galecki from The Big Bang Theory playing…wait for it…yup, you guessed it, a science professor, because of fucking course he is! And it also commits the crime where our leading lady is introduced to the mechanics of the tape, and is suddenly an expert on the subject, telling those around her who have been dealing with it longer, just how it fucking works and they end up asking her questions! A horror movie crime that should be punishable by making them keep their appointment with The Wicker Man.

Aaron's Spoiler-Free Rating: There is just so much wrong with this film that I just couldn’t possibly go on anymore without risk of ruining it for those who haven’t seen it but guess what! You have seen it! A thousand times before…What an absolute load of bollocks. – 2.5/10

Aaron James Waters is a best-selling Pulp Fiction writer who has written more books than he's actually read.

He's also the rotten apple of the group who thinks this whole Star Wars thing needs to hurry up and die already.

You can find Aaron's debut novel on Amazon!

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