Friday 14 January 2011

Shitty Box Art Round-Up

The Biggest Loser: Ultimate Challenge

Rob: The background suggests they're moving at a tremendous velocity. Their poses betray that.
Brad: Maybe it's anime travelling. Anime characters just stand still whilst the background moves past at amazing speed. You see the tattoo on his forearm?
Rob: It looks like blood spatter, do you reckon he's a serial killer, like Dexter Morgan?
Brad: I actually thought it was a dirty mark on my screen.
I'm not going to disagree with you though: "reality" game shows do need the occasional serial killer to spice things up.
Rob: I agree. I'd watch far more of I'm A Celebrity... if Predator was in that jungle's treetops.
Brad: Channel Five are so going to regret passing on the chance to make my How Rippered is Your Hooker?
Wait a minute...
Rob: All right...
Brad: Is that that Jillian Michaels woman? We reviewed her game
a couple of years ago?
Rob: You know, I think it is. That makes sense I guess, considering she's into her fitness.
Brad: Who knew that E14 was big on continuity?
Rob: Not me, that's for sure.
Brad: His neck is at a slightly eerie angle.
Rob: It's just too symmetrical isn't it?
Brad: It's not a big deal, but it's a little bit like an alien is wearing his skin and hasn't quite got the hang of standing naturally. Score?
Rob: 5/10. It started with a 7/10 then slimmed down.
Brad: 8/10.

Michael Jackson: The Experience

Brad: "Does it matter if you're Black or White?"
"It does on the Kinect version, yeah..."
Rob: So hang on...What happens in this? Do you play as Michael Jackson?
Brad: That's the least horrifying possibility, yeah. I don't want to be playing as Omer Bhatti.
Rob: So presumably you start off the career mode as part of a pop band?
Brad: Yeah, it's basically Guitar Hero in reverse. You start off as a highly marketable and successful rock band, and wind up as someone who can't remember the last time he touched an instrument, or even left the flat.
Rob: I was going to say, presumably you have to shut yourself in after a few years. Then does it become more like The Sims?
Brad: Let's be honest - this is a series of mini-games, isn't it? I want there to be one where you have to dangle a baby out of a hotel window without dropping it.
Rob: So it's part Rock Band, The Sims, Imagine: Babysitting...Presumably some elements of Phoenix Wright, the courtroom game...
Brad: This is going to be better than Moonwalker on the Mega-Drive, though.
We've established what sort of game it is...let's try something new here. If you were given the chance to make a game based on Michael Jackson - what would you do with it?
Rob: What would I do with it?
Brad: Yes.
Rob: Hmmm...
Brad: Michael Jackson wanders around a post-apocalyptic, atompunk, retro-futurist Washington D.C., northeast Virginia and parts of Maryland in the year 2277, two hundred years after a world war over resources which ended in nuclear holocaust?
Rob: Works for me.
Brad: He'd tan so bad.
Rob: Failing that, just whack him into Mass Effect.
Brad: Or Tekken. Him and a bunch of other Motown singers.
Ike vs Tina
Rob: That works for me. Though not for Tina, I'd wager, if past matches are anything to go by.
Brad: Didn't they do a video game along those lines a few years back? Wasn't there some sort of DefJam one-on-one beat em up?
Rob: Yeah, I think there were a couple. They were pretty good as memory serves, except for one.
Brad: I just remembered that I have Wu-Tang: Taste the Pain on PS1.
Rob: Nice. Wu-Tang...Def Jam Records...I've yet to see Britrock Kombat.
Brad: If you ever wondered why more bands didn't get video games deals: that's why. Well, that and this:

Rob: Christ.
Brad: You ain't heard the Crue until you've heard them in MIDI whilst playing a bad pinball game.
Rob: ...
Brad: You're still watching it, right? It's hypnotic in its awfulness.
Rob: ...All glory to the HypnoBollocks...
Brad: Of course, it has to be said that there are some bands that we will forgive anything:

Rob: Anyway, back to Michael Jackson. Have you seen these screenshots?

Brad: I own Dance on Broadway on the Wii, and it looks very similar to this.
Rob: Notice the scary glow he has around him?
Brad: Yes...
Rob: It's like you can unlock Ethereal MJ as a playable..."Character"?
Brad: Michael pretty much believed that about himself, anyway. Shall we give this a score?
Rob: I suppose so. I'm going to go with 5/10.
Brad: I'm giving it 4/10. Bumping up to 8/10, if it does come bundled with this:

Brad: That Mega-Drive game became creepy in hindsight.
Rob: Yeah?
Brad: At the time, you were trying to rescue the children who were hiding from Joe Pesci. Looking back, it looks like Michael Jackson is roving around a club, looking for children who are hiding from him in cupboards. And when he finds them, he shoves his crotch in their face.

Monopoly Streets

Rob: See, I kind of want to play this.
Brad: Wu-Tang: Monopoly. That I would play.
Rob: That's not what they mean by "Streets" dude.
Brad: You know what has always bugged me about Monopoly, more than anything else?
Rob: I have a feeling I'm about to find out. Go on.
Brad: I have spent far too much time trying to figure out what the correlation is between the playing pieces, and why they were chosen. I mean, you've got a boat...a iron...a hat...a dog...and a car.
At first it's all things that move...then there's a hat and an iron screwing things up.
Rob: Right, so that system doesn't work.
Brad: Are they all things that your business could sell? Maybe...but you can't make a living selling dogs. What is the link? I don't know!
Rob: I can tell you the factual reason.
Brad: Wikipedia's reason, you mean?
Rob: Fine, fuck you then.
Brad: Go on. I'm keen to learn, but never to the point of actually bothering to look it up. What is it?
Rob: The pieces were made by a charm bracelet manufacturer.
Brad: Right...Presumably some sort of charm bracelet for a travelling, well dressed, Scotty dog? With an iron.
So...what do we know about this game? It's...Monopoly...presumably with mini-games built in?
Rob: Yeah, that's my understanding. So essentially Mario Party but with Monopoly.
Brad: I haven't played Mario Party. Can you give me another comparative?
Rob: Wii Party?
Brad: Nope. Um...The Force Unleashed?
Rob: Okay...Let me see if I can find a way to relate this to The Force Unleashed. If I can do this, I want some serious credit by the way...Right...
Brad: Oh, totally. As much respect as I ever give you, anyway.
Rob: Okay, so pieces are Force Pushed around a board, which is essentially like a series of starship corridors with 90 degree turns. As you go along though, you can only go a certain number of spaces. You understand dice rolls, of course, being a board gamer.
Brad: Yeah...dude..I get the Monoply's how the mini-games figure in I don't really get.
Rob: Ah, right. Well, in this case, I'm guessing certain mini-games appear in between turns or on certain squares or something.
Brad: So...this is like Monopoly, only it has the potential to last for even longer?
Rob: Yeah, if you can believe that.
Brad: 1/10.
Rob: 5/10. Although I'm interested in the game, it's not because of the cover.

The Sims: Medieval

Rob: This is a standalone game, right? Please tell me this is standalone.
Brad: I think so, yes.
Rob: Thank fuck. I'm all for exploring new areas on The Sims 3, but when they throw in the physically impossible I balk.
Brad: I'm actually all over this. I think there's two things The Sims has been missing until now: swords and wenches.
How do you feel about this?
Rob: I dunno, these standalone games seem to be pretty shameless.
Brad: I really think this has a lot of fun potential. It has swords. And wenches.
Rob: There are wenches in the normal The Sims games, they just call them "women" and illustrate the illusion of free thought. If real life was like The Sims, I could attract a woman by just talking at her for an entire day.
Brad: If real life was like computer games your band would be getting five star reviews in the local press for doing a set consisting entirely of covers and only hitting 90% of the notes.
Wait...that is what my real life is like...
Rob: That'd happen to me if real life were like The Sims. Oh wait. 6/10
Brad: 4/10. I'm buying the crap out of it, though.
Rob: 4/10? You're liking the idea.
Brad: Oh, yeah...I'll re-roll. 2/10. You've got to keep a re-roll, even if it's worse than the original result.

Doctor Who Sonic-Screwdriver Wii Remote

Rob: I'm not sure what to make of these Wii controller shells.
Brad: That's not actually a shell. It's a full Wii Remote.
Rob: Sorry, I got confused with something else. I'm not sure what to make of these novelty remotes.
Brad: I think it's another step towards the borderline virtual reality that the Wii has always been aimed at.
Rob: Yeah, I can see the point.
Brad: And you're just jealous of my Lightsaber.
Rob: Does the Wii even have a Doctor Who game?
Brad: I'm assuming's going to be downright weird if it hasn't.
Picture the guy sitting at home, with this...playing Scene It: Twilight. Alone.
I don't get the Doctor Who thing.
Rob: What about it?
Brad: I think it's too light-hearted to be serious and too serious to be light-hearted.
Rob: How do you mean?
Brad: With a bit of effort it (specifially the Eccleston-onwards boom) could have made either a) a blinding sci-fi show to rival anything the states produces (considering the writing talent) or b) a bloody hilarious parody. It seems content to be both and neither, though.
Would you buy this?
Rob: I'm not a massive Doctor Who fan, plus I hardly touch my Wii. Hehe...I mean, if I was into the show, and needed a remote I'd consider it...but then presumably it's third-party, it's probably not built as well as Nintendo's one.
Brad: I tell you something the number of people who turn up to conventions dressed as The Doctor is incredible. It's basically because they just wear their normal clothes and a scarf.
The best costume I ever saw at a Con' was Moss from The IT Crowd. Complete with backpack.
Rob: That was my second choice for Halloween, rather a last minute thought.
Brad: You're nothing if not short and black.
Rob: Is he short?
Brad: Next to Noel Fielding, yes...but he's quite tall, I guess...
Rob: Yeah, I understand he's over 6 feet.
Brad: I stand corrected. According to IMDB Ayoade is 6'2". Still significantly shorter than you, though.
Rob: True.
Brad: And Fielding is 5'11". Wow.
Rob: Really? I thought he was much taller than that. Still taller than Chris Jericho though.
Brad: Wrestlers aren't ever as big as they're billed to be.
Rob: Jericho's particularly tiny though.
Brad: For WWE, yeah. That's the big man's fed. And, recently, Mysterio's.
Rob: Yeah, he's the exception really.
Brad: Anyway...Sonic Screwdriver.
Rob: I wouldn't buy one.
Brad: Nor would I. Fuck Doctor Who.

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