Friday 13 August 2010

Dickass DM

Remember good, old-fashioned gamebooks? They promised all the fun of a role-playing game, with none of the social interaction - what more could a teenage boy desire? The thing is, that while the gamebook became a great gaming experience in its own right, the only RPG it could possibly have simulated was one being GM'd by Satan himself. 90% of decisions led to certain death, and combat was often fatal.

Satan wasn't available, so Brad will be GMing Rob through an RPG based on the classic Steve Jackson Fighting Fantasy gamebook Robot Commando. Brad is the DM, and Rob plays his character, Bragbot 3000. Long story.

Read Part One Here

Previously on Dickass DM: Suffering an attack of a mysterious sleeping illness, most of th population of Bragbot 3000's planet is asleep. He heads off on his quest to discover what the fuck is going on, when he runs into a DINOSAUR!
You duck and weave, forgetting that a T-Rex's vision is based on movement.
You mock its spindly arms.
Bragbot 3000: Ha, try playing Chopin, bitch!
You roshambo it, whilst whistling Chopin.
You beat it at Star Wars Trivial Pursuit.
The Tyrannosaurus is defeated.
Rob: Not hard, I am one of the two most knowledgeable people on the subject. You being the other one.
Brad: And Leland Chee.
Rob: All right, third place isn't bad, ok?
Brad: Your robot is scratched and dented, but you have won. You have suffered some bruises when the monster knocked your robot over. You continue on your way and arrive shortly afterwards at the City of Industry. Normally, it is busy and bustling, but know you see no life anywhere. Everyone is asleep...everyone but you. Where will you go in your quest for useful artifacts: a) The Fuel-refining plant, b) The Robot Experimental Centre, c) The tunnels underneath the city, d) Just explore, e) Leave the city.
Rob: The Experimental Centre!
Brad: What can go wrong, right?
Rob: Precisely.
Brad: You arrive at the Robot Experimental Centre. You know little about the Centre except its name, but you have heard rumours that top secret work is being done here. You are in the lobby. You read the directory, and see that different sorts of work are being done on different floors of the building. This reads a lot more like a text adventure this one, doesn't it?
Rob: Yeah, it does actually,
Brad: That's probably why you're feeling more relaxed. You can go to: a) Second Floor: Interface Mechanims, b) Third Floor: Weapons Development, c) Sixth Floor: Amplifier Project, d) Tenth Floor: Deteronics, e) Leave the building
Rob: Weapons development. This can only end well.
Brad: Silly question on my part. When you leave the lift on the third floor, you immediately spy and man-sized Guard Robot standing in the hallway.
Guard Robot: Sorry. No admittance.
Bragbot 3000: I think you've been wired up as an apology Robot.
Rob: I try to reason with it.
Bragbot 3000: Look, buddy, I should be on the list, I'm with the band.
Brad: While you are arguing with the machine, it picks you up - none too gently
Rob: Mother...
Brad: - and tosses you back into the lift.
Rob: Fucker...Attack!
Brad: Your mission is more important than this asinine robot.
Rob: I want what's he's guarding now though.
You confuse him with a logical problem.
Bragbot 3000: 2.
He confuses you with his sexual deviancy.
You point out, with diagrams, how much you did his mum, and how much she enjoyed it.
Bragbot 3000: She told me to go to 10 five times...
You carve your initials on his thigh.
You prove there is no God.
You erase his existence from history.
Combat ends.
Rob: Result.
Brad: You step over the fragments of the smashed robot and enter the laboratory. Inside, you find something very interesting: the prototype for a Seeker Missile.
Rob: Does it search low and hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh?
Brad: There is only one, but it looks very handy. It can be attached to the outside of any robot. It can be used only when you are piloting a robot - not in personal combat.
Rob: Wait, did I kick that thing's arse in my human guise?
Brad: Yeah, you've parked.
Rob: Holy shit, I rock.
Brad: As you take your prize downstairs, you see another Guard Robot like the one you defeated. You hurry out of the lobby and back to your robot. You may install the Seeker Missile now, or save it for another robot. It may be moved from one robot to another, but it is lost if the robot carrying it is ever lost, or if it is fired.
You are back in your robot.
Rob: Keep exploring the City of Industry.
Brad: a) The Fuel-refining plant, b) the Robot Experimental Centre, c) The tunnels underneath the city, d) Just explore, e) Leave the city
Rob: Hmmm. Tunnels.
Brad: What about them?
Rob: Explore them.
Brad: Ah. Yeah, it's not actually a text adventure. You can talk to me properly, you know.
Rob: I know. I know I can, I choose not to.
Brad: Ah, if you're just being a dick, that's different. You park your robot outside the tunnel entrance and slip inside.
Rob: Hehehe.
Brad: You don't know what you expect to find here, but you have never been in this tunnel system, and its aura of secrecy attracts you. You know, I admire your self-control.
Rob: How do you mean?
Brad: If I was in your situation, you wouldn't get me out of that Mech for love nor money. Maybe a nude Natalie Portman. Properly nude. Shaven head.
Rob: Only shaven head?
Brad: We're in danger of misunderstanding each other here. I don't mean decapitated, no.
Rob: I don't either. I mean is the head all you'd want shaved?
Brad: Good point. I was about to say "I'm not fussed...", but you'd then interpret that as legs and armpits like a Wookiee.
Rob: I would indeed. And a good old fashioned Yawning Wookiee down below.
Brad: See, that bit I am indifferent about. I'm still a little farty teenager in my head and heart. If I'm close to a vagina, I don't feel like I can criticise the set dressing. I'm just quietly grateful.
Rob: I can see that logic.
Brad: If I had a choice between playing in a giant Battlemech or having a nude Natalie Portman, I really don't think the length of the underbrush is going to be too much of a deal breaker. I better have sex with her soon.
Rob: I hope so, even if only to shut you up. Though having said that, I could never watch the Prequel Trilogy with you again.
"You know her?"
"I've fucked her."
"Dude, that's Keira Knightley, she's the handmaiden in this scene."
"Oh...I've only fingered Keira."
Brad: See, if I ever do Natalie, I've got a real conundrum on the go...DO I really try and be nice, and try and hook her as a keeper, or do I just think "Fuck it, I'll never get the chance to do this again", and just ask her to call me “General Veers”?
The tunnels are dimly lit, but you can see well enough. Soon, you come to a turning.
Rob: Left.
Brad: Everything you own in the turning to the left. Oh, yes. I do popular music too.
Rob: It shows.
Brad: The tunnel winds until you have lost all sense of direction. Then it forks. One fork seems to go up; the other turns downwards.
Rob: Down.
Brad: The tunnel goes lower and lower into the earth. Then it opens into a wide, dimly lit vault.
Rob: ...Have I wandered into Fallout 3 by mistake? Enter the vault. Or is this the Vault of the Vampire? Only, it ended well last time...
Brad: The area proves to be full or rusting, abandoned robots. At the other side of the vault is a huge lift. The control panel has three coloured buttons, but none are marked. The lift contains a huge robot; in the dimness, you cannot make out what type it is, but it has treads and claws.
Rob: Take the corridor.
Bragbot 3000: Taking the corridor...
Rob: I thought my character could narrate his life for a few minutes.
Brad: Possibly. I guess the lonliness could be getting to him.
The corridor levels off and passes a small alcove. Within the alcove is a small lift, just big enough for one person.
Rob: Get in the lift.
Bragbot 3000: Getting in lift...Pushing button...Wishing I was dead...
Brad: The only things he's had to talk to have tried to eat him or throw him out.
The lift quickly shoots upward.
Bragbot 3000: Re-attaching limbs...
Brad: The force of its acceleration almost knocks you down - and it continues for a long time. Suddenly the lift doors pop open. You are in the lobby of the Robot Experimental Centre.
Rob: All that for a round trip? Lame. I want to investigate further
Brad: It's a bit like the "Lost backstage" bit from This Is Spinal Tap.
Just in time, you realise that the lobby is full of Guard Robots like the ones you fought before. You quickly return to our robot and leave this area of the Centre.
Rob: I explore somewhere else in the city. Let’s go for the fuel refining plant.
Brad: Gonna refine some fuel, huh?
Rob: You know it!
Brad: You decide to visit the Fuel-refining plant. This is where the radioactive ores that power the robots are processed.
Bragbot 3000: Visiting...oh, I've got robot company now, that's fine.
Rob: You need to row a robot?
Brad: What?
Rob: Well, why do they need oars?
Brad: Ugh.
Brad: A single block of fuel will drive a robot for a year. As you approach, you realise that some of the robots standing around the plant are active.
Bragbot 3000: Greetings, simpletons!
Brad: The Karosseans have sent a force to garrison this strategic point.
Rob: I try and proceed normally.
Brad: Over the radio comes a challenge:
Radio: Eighty-eight!
Brad: You don't know the countersign.
Bragbot 3000: Two fat ladies?
Brad: The Karosseans fire on you. You must fight the three enemy robots. There are two of them, both Tripod Robots.
Rob: Tripod robots eh? Show-offs...
Bragbot 3000: I could prop myself on my penis if I wanted, I just don't want to...
You shout out some sort of vague double entendre suggesting that it's third leg is compensating for something.
You tell it the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field.
Bragbot 3000: I'll be honest, they're not great.
You open your mouth to say something witty, when TRIPOD 2 kicks you in the shin.
Bragbot 3000: You know, your face loo...OW FUCK, MY SHIN!
You blast TRIPOD 2 in the cock.
Bragbot 3000: I have a feeling Tripod may be the wrong word soon...
TRIPOD 2 ducks your attack and criticises your taste in decor.
TRIPOD 1 attacks from behind, hitting you with a steel chair.
Bragbot 3000: What the hell?
You crack TRIPOD 1 in the tripod.
TRIPOD 2 is defeated.
Rob: Awesome.
You punch TRIPOD 1 in the face until it cries.
As you are on the brink of victory, TRIPOD 1 smashes you in the cockpit.
You are defeated.
Rob: Damn
Brad: Your robot falls and you lie stunned in the wreckage. The tentacles of TRIPOD 1 pull you out. You are a prisoner of the Karosseans. You have failed in your mission.
Bragbot 3000: Don't pull me out with that tentacle...
Dickass DM returns with a new series on Friday 27th August, with Suspects!...prepare to experience Dickass DM...on a train!

To celebrate the 100-day countdown to the opening of the hugely anticipated Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1, Emma Watson has announced that 100 tickets for the World Premiere will be given away via a new app on the Harry Potter UK Page on Facebook.

The new app, Join The Final Battle, will give fans in the UK and Ireland the chance to win fantastic Harry Potter prizes such as premiere tickets and film-related merchandise.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the seventh and final adventure in the Harry Potter film series, is a much-anticipated motion picture event to be told in two full-length parts. Part 1 begins as Harry, Ron and Hermione set out on their perilous mission to track down and destroy the secret to Voldemort’s immortality and destruction—the Horcruxes. On their own, without the guidance of their professors or the protection of Professor Dumbledore, the three friends must now rely on one another more than ever. But there are Dark Forces in their midst that threaten to tear them apart.

Meanwhile, the wizarding world has become a dangerous place for all enemies of the Dark Lord. The long-feared war has begun and Voldemort’s Death Eaters seize control of the Ministry of Magic and even Hogwarts, terrorizing and arresting anyone who might oppose them. But the one prize they still seek is the one most valuable to Voldemort: Harry Potter. The Chosen One has become the hunted one as the Death Eaters search for Harry with orders to bring him to Voldemort...alive.

Harry’s only hope is to find the Horcruxes before Voldemort finds him. But as he searches for clues, he uncovers an old and almost forgotten tale—the legend of the Deathly Hallows. And if the legend turns out to be true, it could give Voldemort the ultimate power he seeks. Little does Harry know that his future has already been decided by his past when, on that fateful day, he became “the Boy Who Lived.” No longer just a boy, Harry Potter is drawing ever closer to the task for which he has been preparing since the day he first stepped into Hogwarts: the ultimate battle with Voldemort.


Top gaming/miscellaneous ranting website "Roll Dice and Kick Ass!" is five years old today - that's 260 times the average lifespan of a blog! Started by avid gamer - and good friend of E14 - John McLintock in 2005, the site covers all sorts of fantasy, sci-fi and historical dice-chucking related goodness, and is highly recommend to all of you. Go check it out and wish John a happy fifth anniversary. Now!

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