Friday 18 September 2009

Shitty Box Art Round-Up

Championship Manager 2010

Rob: This guy seems to have a nervous system made of tactics...
Brad: Some dude's standing in front of the logo. This game appears to be called "Championship Manger". Which is either the place you keep Christ, or French for "Japanese Cartoon".
Rob: I'd play either, if I'm honest.
Brad: You know I've been trying to get everyone in this country to refer to football as "soccer"? I've changed my mind. I'd know like football to be referred to as "Woofy Woofy Woo Woo Ball".
Rob: Why were you trying to get everyone to refer to it as "soccer"?
Brad: For the very simple reason that it pisses off soccer fans. Would you buy this game?
Rob: I don't play this particular one, but I don't mind football management games.
Brad: Score?
Rob: I generally do. Depends on how my midfield performs.
Brad: 4/10
Rob: Oh, right...6/10

Imagine: Detective Adventures

Brad: "Imagine: Lily Allen"
Rob: Fuck...Do I have to?
Brad: She's real, but everyone at the school is a sprite.
Rob: She can't be much of a detective. Nobody will have any trouble spotting her.
Brad: That's going to lead to some canteen tension of almost Forks High School levels. Have they 'shopped in that magnifying glass?
Rob: That'd take some mad Photoshopping skills. She might have had something else in her hand before, I guess.
Brad: Like a Fleshlight? I'm not an artist, but I'm fairly sure that the roof of that building doesn't quite seem to work, somehow.
Rob: She's a detective in a sprite clown school?
Brad: Yeah, the one on the right appears to be a French mime. Have you read the blurb for this thing? It's shitting hilarious! "Use your wit, your feminine sixth sense, and your photographic memory to solve cases". My girlfriend uses those exact same three things to win arguments. I have a sneaking suspicion that the Nancy Drew licence fell through.
Rob: Is there anything in this game that couldn't be experienced by going to school in real life?
Brad: I would find it hard to "embody a smart, adventurous, techno-fluent girl". But I did do a pretty good "dumb, introverted, Warhammer-fluent douchebag". Score?
Rob: My 4/10 sense is tingling.
Brad: 9/10
Rob: Nine?! Are you rolling a d20?
Brad: No. A d8. I guess it could be a six.

Oktoberfest: The Official Game

Rob: ...What the fuck?
Brad: Dude, I've just back from Germany, and I don't have a clue what Oktoberfest is.
Rob: I know what Oktoberfest is, i just don't think it can be made into a game.
Brad: Well done, Nintendo. You've made riding a ghost train into a mini-game. "Just enjoy the soothing polka-soundtrack"...Are there really people who are so rich they can spend £20 quid on this just for the MIDI polka tracks?
Rob: Apparently they exist, and own DSs.
Brad: I don't want to do this site anymore. I'm learning much, much more about the human race than I think I ever wanted to know. Apparently this is the "Official Oktoberfest game, licensed by the city of Munich". Do you know what that means?
Rob: Go on.
Brad: Somewhere out there, heartbreakingly sad as it may seem, is an UNofficial Oktoberfest video game. What did they do wrong to miss out?
Rob: They probably didn't have a woman on the front...probably an aubergine.
Brad: Score?
Rob: 7/10
Brad: 5/10

Queen Teen: The Clique

Brad: Man, there seem to be a lot of these type of game coming out on DS. It's almost like Nintendo is....for girls!
Rob: It says a lot that there's no description of it.
Brad: It's not just me, is it? There are a lot of these sort of games, right?
Rob: No, there are quite a few.
Brad: Why?
Rob: I don't make them!
Brad: You're the video game expert on this site! I thought you might have some kind-of insight! Oh, no, let's just leave it to Brad to do fucking everything, shall we? Who had to go to Japan, huh? Fucking me, that's who! You sit there, with your smug little thumbs up farty avatar, and you don't do anything around here! FUCK YOU!
Rob: Do you need a hug?
Brad: No! Just..GAH! Look, this is your area of expertise, there must be some kind of opinion, thought, anything! Rob, why would you say that these Gossip-Girly games are so popular at the moment?
Rob: If I had to guess, I'd sells. Because of the Money/Sense ratio present in babysitting circles, I guess.
Brad: And who would you say is buying these games?
Rob: Teenage girls, I suspect. Although "nobody" wouldn't surprise me either.
Brad: You know who I think is buying these games?
Rob: Go on.
Brad: Closet case Nintendo fan-boys turned Internet humourists. Named Rob. With your face. Score?
Rob: 10/10
Brad: 7/10

Saw: The Video Game

Brad: There is no way this game can be any good.
Rob: Again, no description, is it really so hard to write one for this?
Brad: I'm trying to think what sort of game they could possibly make based upon the Saw movies. No type of game seems right somehow.
Rob: Rhythm action game?
Brad: How would a rhythm game work?
Rob: Timing your button presses in order to build traps...could work in like a Theme Hospital kind of way. Theme Torture Dungeon.
Brad: See, now that I would buy. And probably jerk off to.
Rob: Why did you feel the need to add "Probably"? Who are you kidding?


  1. Re: the 'Saw' game.

    I find it quite disturbing that neither of you seemed to even consider it possible that you might play the police trying to capture Jigsaw... you just seem to assume that you would be playing the bad guy. I'm more scared of you now than I was before.

  2. Saw the game you play the black cop who lost his partner in SAW I. Jigsaw's locked you in a lunatic asylum and is trying to teach you something by arbitrarily making you kill people by being his advocate in their 'test'.

    It's ok and has a relatively good concept and moderate execution, but it feels bulky and the controls are just awful.