Music Reviews

More music reviews for you now, with the quality of the entire package judged solely on the cover artwork. It's the only fair way.

Various Artist - HedKandi: Spring Mix

I think this is an album about conjoined twins, joined at the ear. There are these two clubbing chicks, right, and they love nothing more that clubbing it old school, over a tie-dye background. They have really shitty taste in jewellery and very, very shiny dresses...ah, fuck it, I can't make this fly. It's dance music for fuckwits to play loud out of their Vauxhall Novas, isn't it?

I don't get the dance music thing. I mean, with only (at most) ten exceptions, the entire genre is artistically moribund. I always find that no matter the song, no matter the artist, no matter what part I listen to - I always know what the next chord is going to be. They've been milking the same fucking four-chord progressions for over twenty years now...and people are still fucking buying it! I can understand dancing to dance music (hey, cool, if that's what you're into), but I can't understand listening to it.

I am getting off of the real subject here, which is, of course, conjoined twins. The most famous pair of conjoined twins of all time are Chang and Eng Bunker, whose in a totally non-racist way led to the condition acquiring the common name "Siamese Twins". And, let me tell you, the Bunker Boys led a truly crazy life.

Chang and Eng: four legs, two arms, two penises, one liver

Chang and Eng were born in 1811 in Thailand to a fisherman and his wife. They were joined at the sternum by only a small piece of cartilage. And a liver. Although 19th century medicine did not have the means to do so, modern surgical techniques would have easily allowed them to be separated. In 1829, they were "discovered" in Siam by a British merchant and put on show. You know why? Because people really knew what to do with people with laughable congenital conditions in those days. You know what happened when they terminated their contract with their discoverer? They successfully went into business for themselves. Because people with laughable congenital conditions really knew their place in those days.

In 1839, while visiting North Carolina, the twins became US citizens. And here's where it gets weird.

During their time there, the Bunker Boys bought a plantation and some slaves...married two different women and had no less than twenty-one children between them. When the two wives began bitching about each other The Bunker Boyz bought two seperate houses to keep them in, and set up a three-days-on-three-days-off rota between the two wives. If you're having girl problems, I feel bad for you, son. I've got ninety-nine problems, but at least I can lay claim to my own liver.

*Rob, I need a tasteless Zaphod Beeblebrox joke here*

Now, if you're a conjoined twin, the question of how your sex lives are going to progress has to be resolved fairly early. Whilst you're teenagers, you're probably thinking that it's going to be pretty much non-stop kinky manger-et-troises. Then you get the point where it becomes damn awkward. Then, you agree to just go quiet so that your brother can have some privacy. Then, he breaks the agreement by asking you to pass the tissues, because you're right there, and he doesn't see the point in rolling over, because that's too much effort and will quite frankly, inconvenience you even further.

Then, when the shoe is on the other foot, you realise that he already has the tissues, and is masturbating quietly. - 7/10