Friday 2 December 2011

Shitty Christmas Video Round-Up

Last Christmas - Wham!

Brad: Alps...Whoaing...Jeeps...Mullets.
I guess that's pretty much eighties Christmases in a nutshell.
Brad: Sking.
* Skiing
* Skiiing.
* Skiiiiiiiiing
* Winter Holidaying
Rob: Why are Wham! driving jeeps anyway? Wouldn't they be more at home with a sled pulled by young boys?
Brad: George Michael is definitely gay. Andrew Ridgeley isn't.
Rob: Oh wait, this is from that period where Wham! were totally trying to not look gay.
Brad: I like George's dramatic face at 1:54
That's a really thin tree.
Rob: Which tree? The first minute contains literally 897 trees.
Brad: I'm really enjoying the footage of the Wham! Christmas party in the second half.
Rob: Wham! wanted you to think they were all about the demeure bitches.
Brad: This song is one of the signs that Christmas has arrived, isn't it? When you hear this, you know you need to get a move on with the shopping.
Rob: Yeah, this and Wizzard I guess. I like this song in general.
At 4:03, it sounds like George Michael fell off a cliff. Actually, scratch that. I have a new theory.
Brad: Right.
Rob: After starting the video through a second time, something occurred to me.
Brad: Me too. I wonder if it's the same thing...
Rob: At no point does anyone sing. Nobody human...I think it's the mountains.
Brad: I noticed something odder. There's lots of being a ski-lodge, carrying skis, skiing.
* Skiiing
* Skiinng
* Biathlon
Rob: That's not that odd, dude. Have you never watched Frasier? I can't count the number of times they've been to a ski lodge.
Surely just the skiing part is Uniathlon?
Brad: No, that's Winter Uno.
George even falls over at 3:04. He could totally have worn skiis for that.
* skiiis
* ski's
* equipment
Rob: *feetlines.
I still think that this song is about the mountains being in love with George Michael.
Brad: That's such a lovely idea, I'm deeming it canon. In...I dunno..Wham!Lore, I guess.
Rob: Wham!Pedia?
Brad: "Merry Christmas and thank You". For what, exactly?
Rob: They probably sold a shitload of albums.
Brad: Guess so. How many Christmas Turkeys out of five? Five for total suckage, Zero for awesome.
Rob: Zero Christmas Turkeys. I like both the song and the idea that the mountains are pining for George Michael. Actually, -1 for allowing me to get a "pining" mention in a video heavy on trees.
Brad: Wow. I'm going One Christmas Turkey. It's a great song, but I just don't feel there's enough Christmas in the video. A winter holiday doesn't necessarily imply Christmas.
Rob: Point. I just spotted something interesting. In the space of thirty seconds at the end of the video, George Michael changes girlfriend.
Brad: He can't tell women apart. It's like with you and Japanese people.
Rob: What? I can totally tell them apart.
Brad: Yeah? Because last Bad Movie Night, you didn't seem able to tell the difference between Varan and Gamera.

All I Want for Christmas is You - Mariah Carey

Brad: Next...Mariah Wobbly-Voice Probably-Would-If-She-Wasn't-Totally-Mental Carey...Is she related to Jim Carrey?
Rob: And Drew. And Harey.
Brad: I'm going to get snowblindness by the time we've finished this article.
Rob: What is your opinion on Mariah Carey in this video? I don't think she's ever come up in our "Would you ruin that?" discussions.
Brad: Young Mariah Carey I...probably would. Modern Era Botoxy Static Face...not so much.
Rob: Agreed, she's gorgeous in this video. And she had a proper rack on her as well. I think she still has that, not seen pictures of her in a while.
Brad: At 1:10, there's a doberman dressed up a reindeer. I wonder who drew the short straw on that job.
Rob: The dobermann.
Brad: Yeah, he might have been up for it, I guess.
Present unwrapping montage.
Jesus, this has got more jumpcuts than Requiem for a Dream.
Rob: You know what would make this video infinitely funnier, but at the same time disturbing as fuck?
Brad: Wallace and Gromit.
Rob: ...Okay, you know what else?
Brad: Bigger tits.
Rob: On who? The dobermann?
Brad: If the doberman was actually Vincent Cassel as Dobermann?
Rob: No, that would just make it awesome.
Brad: What was your suggestion?
Rob: If as the video ended, the camera panned outwards into a room where this movie is playing, and there's a guy just masturbating and crying.
Brad: Brian!? Are you doing anything tomorrow?
Watching this again, I'm marking her "definitely would ruin".
Rob: Correct answer.
Brad: Going on the number of presents she opens in this video, I get the feeling that she would be disappointed if all she got was me. In my He-Man underpants.
Rob: At 0:55 I just get the impression that the director has just got out of a bitter divorce with an epileptic.
Brad: I want that to be true.
Brad: I'm giving this Four Christmas Turkeys. Snow, Santa, presents's got nearly the full set.
Rob: Four Christmas Turkeys. It's undoubtedly cheesy, even if Mariah Carey is adorable in the video.

White Christmas - Bing Crosby

Brad: Ah, Bing, you old racist.
Rob: So we've changed our search engine hatred then? Before, we loved Bing. It gave us NSFW content, but didn't make it feel like our fault.
Brad: I like Bing Crosby. From dead straight on, he looks like the FA Cup.
Rob: Jesus, a football reference from you?
Brad: This is from the old days where you could sing a woman into bed, armed only with a piano, some Brylcream and a few years of child abuse.
Rob: That woman looks like she's tripping. But yeah, Bing's totally getting lucky after this song's over with.
Brad: The bells in the tree at 1:55 are tuned perfectly.
I like the way he harmonises with her really condescendingly.
Check out the end! They stop moving and have to hold position until the camera fades out! It's like Police Squad!.
Rob: Who's the lady, anyway? She's quite pretty in a classic way.
Brad: I'll research.
Rob: Alrighty.
Brad: Marjorie Reynolds, but it's not her singing voice. That's dubbed.
Rob: You just read the YouTube description, didn't you?
Brad: Yup. That's a form of research.
Rob: I read the line "Reynolds, not Crosby, was to sing the song" in the video and in my head it's Burt.
Brad: I had Debbie. You're more awesome than me. I like Bing Crosby. I wonder if he'd like E14.
Rob: I like Ask Jeeves Berlin. Or Google Sinatra.
Brad: 2:00 and he starts whistling and humming to try and put her off! What a DH40K!
Rob: *DoucheHammer 40K for non-regulars.
Brad: Score?
Rob: If he didn't, she's a lesbi....Oh. Three Christmas Turkeys.
Brad: I'm going Two Christmas Turkeys. It's pretty cool.

Stop the Cavalry - Jona Lewie

Brad: This is just making me want to watch Deathwatch.
Rob: These soldiers don't seem to do much fighting.
Brad: I find it amazing they were allowed to play brass instruments in the trenches.
Rob: I think it'd give away positions.
Sure, you could have a fuller sound, but you'd be strategically compromised. Don't get me wrong, for instance, I play rhythm guitar in a band, but if me playing the second guitar resulted in us becoming a target for shells and guns, I'd just stick to vocals.
Brad: You know this wasn't actually originally a Christmas song?
Rob: Really? What was it originally?
Brad: Originally just a song about war.
Rob: What were the original lyrics, "Wish I was at home, for reasons of cowardice"?
Brad: A record company exec advised him to add in the line "Wish I was at home for Christmas" and some sleighbells, so that he could appear on Christmas albums. Forever.
Sad thing is, he was right.
Rob: I'm going to listen to it back and see if it works as a song without the Christmas theme.
Brad: Go for it. But check the top YouTube comment.
Rob: "He mentions 'Christmas' and there are bells. This song is also on various christmas albums - I consider it a Christmas song."
Are there any other criteria besides "being released around Christmas"?
Brad: I don't know, and this is going to open up a can of worms.
This is an awful, awful song.
Rob: It really is. And it's even worse with the sleigh bells and extra line, because then it becomes a triumph of marketing, and there are too many of those.
Brad: I don't think I've ever heard this song all the way through. My mind always starts wandering, and thinking of something more awesome. Like Darth Vader fighting Batman.
Rob: That's....more awesome than I can imagine. And I can imagine quite a bit.

"The Life Day Song" - Carrie Fisher

Brad: This never stops being weird. Or canon.
Rob: What...the....fucking....fuck?
Why am I watching this?
Why does this...?
Brad: Awww...Rob...did I bust your The Star Wars Holiday Special cherry?
Rob: Yes. Yes you did. And I'd have been happy to stay flowered.
Brad: You haven't seen the whole thing. It's more like I just fingered you in the car park while we waited for your dad to turn up.
Rob: Carrie Fisher's amazingly hot in this video. Especially at 1:25 - Lungs and a malleable jaw.
Brad: I was hoping to get a Debbie Reynolds callback, but I'm buggered if I can manage it.
I'm not giving this a second playthough.
Rob: Wasn't Burt Reynolds originally supposed to star in A New Hope?
Brad: It's not as good as the Ewok movies, is it? Score?
Rob: How many turkeys is the maximum then? Five?
Brad: Yeah.
Rob: Four Christmas Turkeys. Because as much as it pains me to say it, Carrie Fisher in that made it almost bearable.
Brad: Four Christmas Turkeys. And one Vergere.
Also, Mark Hamill. And Mark Hamill is amazing. All the time.
Rob: Yeah, but I wasn't trying to facefuck Mark Hamill in my head.
Brad: Mark Hamill's face is already fucked.
Rob: Dude...
Brad: Too soon?

Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree - Miley Cyrus

Brad: I'm digging out the real bizarre ones this year.
Rob: You sure are. Capture 0:11 in your head. You will never in your life see a more perfect shot to define the term "little kids losing their fucking shit."
Brad: It's true.
Rob: I tell a lie.

Brad: Pluto looks desperate to get down from there. It's like he's fucking terrified, and they haven't even told him how he's going to get down.
I am terrified of those fucking gingerbread men.
So...Miley. Would we? Could we?
Rob: Legally, yes. In terms of feasibility, absolutely not.
Brad: Yeah, she's 19 now. We're golden. Not as golden as she'd be, if you get my drift.
Rob: Besides, she's the daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus. Maybe she's a carrier of Fail.
Brad: Yeah, that must be like haemophilia or something.
I cannot understand a word she says after she finishes singing.
She always sounds like she's being autotuned, even when she's not.
Rob: Yeah, she's got a weird voice.
Brad: She's pretty good, but...yeah...I can never quiet shake the impression that she's a robot created by an evil defrosted Walt Disney to take over the world.
Rob: There's nothing that says "Let's get this crowd moving" like a crowd of Gingerbread people moving like they've just had a stroke.
I just spotted another one of those moments that would infinitely improve/fuck up a video.
Brad: Jesus , those fucking gingerbread men.
Is it Pluto pulling off a Senton Bomb?
Rob: At 1:03, the camera could pan to 2-4 spotty nerds holding up a "When are you legal?" sign.
Brad: You know what, I think I can top the weird.

What are we Gonna Get 'Er Indoors? - George Cole & Dennis Waterman

Rob: Sorry, remind me again why Top of the Pops died out.
Brad: Because music sucks.
So...Minder had a Christmas record. Did you know that?
Rob: Nope, I had no idea.
Brad: Is your life richer for knowing?
Rob: I think back to life before E14. It was a simpler time.
Brad: It wasn't for me, in a weird way. I mean, all this shit was still in my head, just with no real outlet.
Rob: You know what I hate more than some of the crap acts on TOTP?
Brad: Dennis Waterman?
Rob: TOTP audiences.
Brad: The Dawn of the Dead type swaying, you mean?
Rob: Yeah.
I remember watching The Complete Picture (A collection of The Smiths videos and live performances) and being disgusted by the audience looking so fucking bored for music they probably enjoy.
Brad: To be fair, it's hard to be pleased with a compilation of The Smiths.
Rob: I enjoyed it.
Even though Morrissey seems like a total prick.

It Must be Santa - Bob Dylan

Brad: I really want to believe that this is what Christmas at Dylan's gaff looks like. And I'm loving his new "Voodoo Priest" gimmick.
Rob: Didn't I see him playing a hot woman in Pirates of the Caribbean? I'm not thinking of Jack Sparrow either, before you say anything.
Brad: I'd say "no", but I haven't seen the last one. All I know is I want to go to Christmas at Bob's place.
Rob: At 2:00 it seems like Dylan just goes into Billy Joel We Didn't Start the Fire mode and just starts naming Presidents.
Brad: It's a good point. He makes it work, though. I'm not normally a Dylan fan, but I love this song.
Rob: It's all right. I like Dylan, he's pretty cool.
Brad: I wish more of his stuff was like this. I'd take Blood on the Tracks more seriously if it had an upbeat accordion on it. Hell, a zither, too.
Rob: I think Cohen is underrated, especially in comparison.
Brad: Cohen's good. I love The Big Lebowski.
Rob: At 1:00, the caption might as well read "I'm motherfuckin' Bob Dylan, bitch."
Brad: Score?
Rob: Zero Christmas Turkeys. It's a really awesome song that manages to do away with most, if not all, of the traditional Xmas cliches.
Brad: One Christmas Turkey. There's still a Santa in there.
This next one is possibly my least favourite Christmas song ever.

8 Days of Christmas - Destiny's Child

Brad: Ah, time for some pre-packaged, sanitised sass.
Rob: What, are they going to try and convince Santa to pay their bills? Destiny's Child might be one of my least favourite things ever.
Brad: Totally.
It goes: An itchy foot when wearing boots, running out of paper in the loo, having to put down your book ten pages from the end, The Holocaust, Destiny's Child.
Rob: Don't forget that woman who sang "Smell yo dick."
Brad: I prefer her. She was at least genuinely aggressive. This pre-packaged sass that Destiny's Child and similar artists purvey...grates on me.
Rob: So the whole song about them being gold-digging bitches is building to the 1st day where he gives her....Quality Time?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! What a load of fucking bollocks.
Brad: They're all dressed likes sluts at the office party. There. I said it.
Rob: Incidentally, the only thing the guy probably got over these eight days was blue balls.
Brad: I ain't saying she's a gold digger, but she ain't got any teeth, and is constantly prospecting up in them thar hills while holding a pick-axe.
See, I'm sure Destiny's Child are probably nice guys in real life, and are just playing a part, here, like the vast majority of musicians really are. Unfortunately, I'm also sure that the vast majority of their audience are fucking idiots, and will take this at face value.
Rob: I know for a fact that people do.
You know the one thing that would've improved this video? Actually, I have two ideas.
Brad: Is one of them Optimus Prime?
Rob: The first is a pretty similar theme to the earlier ones I pitched.
Brad: Beyonce masturbating to herself? A scenario that probably isn't new to her.
Rob: As they walk through the aisles, they notice a guy masturbating to a jigsaw puzzle.
The second is even better. At 0:13 Kelly Rowland goes "You know, Christmas...." only to go on to spout some fake bollocks.
Brad: Yeah.
Rob: What would be infinitely better would be if she changed the intonation to "You know Christmas?" then just goes "Good, innit?" and it fades to black.
Brad: You know what be better? If Kelly Rowland came on screen and it cut to this.
Rob: So let's run down their gifts. Expensive gifts: 4
"Sentimental" gifts which are actually self-indulgent and ego-serving: 4
Is it any wonder that a lot of women who listen to "R&B" are bitches?
Brad: Score for this one?
Rob: 37.68 Christmas Turkeys.
Brad: I'm giving it Zero Christmas Turkeys. This bullshit is nothing to do with Christmas.

Words: Brad Harmer & Robert Wade

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