The Worst Games I Ever Played #3

Oftentimes, I find myself faced with a game that fails to deliver on anything it promises. Mostly, this is the result of PR companies and game company heads overselling their products. Occasionally though, it is caused by the sheer stupidity of some people too nostalgic to accept that the games they enjoyed when they were younger actually sucked balls. On then, to Ecco The Dolphin on SEGA Mega Drive.

First, a caveat: I did not play a significant amount of this game when it originally was released on the Mega Drive in 1993. At the time, I was nine years old and was restricted by my parents to one console. I had a Super Nintendo, which was more than enough for me, barring some terrible James Bond game I already wrote about. My experiences with this game have been recent only, but I was assured by those I spoke to that Ecco the Dolphin was worth my time. I don’t speak to those people anymore.

Do you know what these people, these…charlatans of gaming, told me? “Oh, you’ll love Ecco, it’s one of the few games that are legitimately hard.” Well, on that point I’ll agree with them. Let me set the scene for you folks, I had just downloaded Ecco to my console of choice via their classic game download service (No mention of which console, they can offer to pay me for the privilege if they’re that bothered). I loaded up the game, controller in hand. I was so keen to see the fruits of SEGA’s labours reflected in a legitimate gaming challenge, something sadly absent in most cases from today’s gaming fare.

Imagine my dismay, therefore, when I booted up Ecco only to find an opening cut scene that explained NOTHING. From the little I could gather, Ecco originally had mates. Then, look out! It’s the Poorly Rendered Tornado of Doom! Suddenly, it’s just Ecco in the ocean.

Then it’s on to the main game. No mention of what actually happened; apparently SEGA figured the video would be self-explanatory in itself. Newsfalsh! It wasn’t. It’s up to you to figure out where to go. However, since the game is devoid of any sort of tutorial, you ALSO have to work out how to move yourself. It’s not difficult, admittedly, as the Mega Drive had a D-pad, THAT wasn’t the hard bit. The hard bit was working out where the fuck you were supposed to be going. There was only one mammal near by that could help; the infamous Killer Whale, or as they’re known, “The Strategy Guide of the Sea”.

Here’s the issue though: Back in those days, in-game hints were limited (in some cases they still are) to one explanation phrase, followed by repetition of the general gist of said phrase. Of course, in Ecco, there was no way to know the frame of reference to which the whale was referring, as he would never tell you where to find what you were looking for. I mean, come on; even “Go left” would have been more helpful!


To sum up, for those who are quick to decry my opinions, think of this: When Ecco went up to those crystals and headbutted them to try and show him the way (I am NOT making this up), how much cooler would it have been if one had just smashed into his stupid face? Precisely...

Oh, and another thing SEGA, THIS is what tornado damage should look like:


Don’t fuck with me SEGA, I’ve got Google Image Search!