Wednesday, 21 January 2009

Music Reviews

More music reviews for you now, with the quality of the entire package judged solely on the cover artwork. It's the only fair way.

Eagles of Death Metal - Heart On

I've been into metal and the metal scene since I was eleven. So, I can assure you that any band that is trying *this* hard to be metal has to be either restrained indie, or Machine Head. Neither of which is something that I would endorse.

This whole album cover is trying oh-so-hard to be kitsch, or ironic, (or whatever the hell it is when you're parodying something that you don't really understand) that it has to have been made by a bunch of students. It's got that jolly aren't-we-clever-ha-ha-ha attitude that students have all over their faces before you split their skull in twain with a battle axe. The red glossy nail varnish, the slight spattering of blood, and the slimline red font with the sine wave...all it's missing are the creases the cardboard cover picks up when you find it in a charity shop several years from now.

Either that or its a concept album about a hot woman who likes to pull peoples vital organs out and stick guitar leads into them. In which case this may be the most metal album ever made - 6/10

Franz Ferdinand - Tonight

It's not often that I get to review a band that I've actually heard of. I think the last one to achieve that was Guns N Roses. Maybe there are bands out there that have a presence outside of a track on Guitar Hero, but if there are, then I'm not really interested.

This cover is the perfect example of a band trying to say one thing, whilst accidentally saying something completely different (last witnessed with my review of LAX's The Game (or possibly The Game's LAX, it was kind of hard to tell)). It's clear here that the band is trying to say "No! Stand back! This man has collapsed due to the fantabulous rocking power within! His heart has overloaded and we're going to need to stick a guitar lead in just to get it beating again!"

Unfortunately for the band, it looks like they've just found this dead guy in an alley, and are trying to molest him, when all of a sudden we turn up, and the guy's all like "Whoa! Hi there! It's not what it looks like! We're just trying to help him. His flies were undone when we got here, I tell you! Then, his balls flew out and just happened to land in Simon's mouth!" - 4/10

Bands of the Household Division - Beating Retreat 2008

I'm not sure how this turned up on my review pile. I guess they must be a British battle-metal band of some kind. A "corps of drums" sounds pretty death metal too. This must be some seriously heavy shit. Err...horses, war-drums...swords...battalions...

You know what, I might actually have to hunt a copy of this down... - 10/10

Kreator - Hordes of Chaos

You see now, Eagles of Death Metal? If you'd stop trying too hard to be metal, then you'd end up with awesomeness like this! Blood red spiky font, black death/bootleg H.R. Giger style artwork. It's even called "Hordes of Chaos". This may actually be the most metal album this side of Beating Retreat 2008.

On the downside, looking at the artwork, this may not be an album and may just be an old Amiga game that wound up on my review pile somehow. - 8/10

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