Dickass DM

A few weeks ago, Brad and Rob began an experiment that they referred to as The Dickass DM, in which Rob would attempt to play through the Fighting Fantasy gamebook Starship Traveller as if it were an actual table-top RPG.

Read Part One Here
Read Part Two Here

Previously on Dickass DM: Captain Braggart and the crew of the Starship Traveller have been sucked through a black hole known as The Seltsian Void, winding up in places unknown. They now find themselves on a strange planet. As they watch a vehicle drive towards them, they notice an insectoid looking creature beckoning them from a nearby building...

Brad: Do you want to follow your newfound insectoid friend, or wait for the approaching vehicle?
Rob: I'll follow him. This can't fail to end well.
Brad: You, Crips and Chemiserouge follow him into the building.
Rob: They follow me as well?
Brad: Yes.
Rob: Spineless wankers.

INSECTOID DUDE: Just in time! You don't want the PCs to find you in the street, do you?

Rob: There are other PCs in this game? I thought I was the only one!
Brad: It does seem a rather odd term to use, doesn't it?
Rob: Yeah, it's like saying you stop at a B&B in D&D. For some R&R. And S&M.
Brad: I like M&Ms.
Rob: Ooh, me too! Do you rate the crispy ones?
Brad: No.
Rob: Peanut then?
Brad: Preferably.

INSECTOID DUDE: You are on the planet Culematter. The PCs you have just escaped from are the Population Controllers. On this planet no-one dies, but as the population increases, it is necessary to exterminate some of us to make room for others.
CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Have we increased the total? If so, sorry about that. And another thing, you say nobody dies, but people are exterminated...
INSECTOID DUDE: The PCs have the authority to exterminate anyone they like, within certain quota limits, without reason. They would certainly have killed you had they caught you outside after quota hours.
CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Men, this planet is clearly dangerous. Set your phasers to 'kill' from 'pirouette'!

Brad: Suddenly the door crashes inwards, and three armoured creatures enter.

CAPTAIN BRAGGART: "Bollocks."
ARMOURED DOUCHE: I thought I saw them enter this building! Outside!"
INSECTOID DUDE: They are aliens here! They knew nothing of the curf...aaaaargh!
ARMOURED DOUCE: *points finger, and shoots a blue laser through Insectoid Dude*
CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Hmmm. I feel kind of bad that we raised the quota now...Choose one target each, and twat it!
OFFICER CRIPPS: Maybe if you offered to send some of the locals asteroid mining?

Rob: Is it too late to change the destination of my phaser? Shoot them!

ENSIGN CHEMISEROUGE: Captain, I suggest following them. They are obviously considerably harder than us.
CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Speak for yourse....all right, fine.
ARMOURED DOUCE: It is illegal to be outside after curfew. The penalty is extermination. Enter this vehicle.

Rob: This seems like an important plot hook moment. I'll get into the car.

CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Best do what they say...

Rob: I give Cripps and Chemiserouge a signal.
Brad: You walk up to the door as if to enter, then all three of you spring on them! Unfortunately, this appears rather fruitless, as all of the enemies are quite strong. They fling you to the ground, but in the struggle, you manage to grab the one of the douche's helmets.

CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Shoot him in the face!

Brad: The Armoured Douche stops dead in a very artificial pose as if someone had thrown a power switch. The leader replaces his helmet, and instantly he comes back to life. Overpowered, you obey the creatures...for the moment.

CRIPPS: Well fought, sir. I liked that bit where you repeatedly hit him in the knee with your face.
CAPTAIN BRAGGART: You went down like a punk too, you little bitch. At least I grabbed some helme...I'm going to stop talking.
CHEMISEROUGE: For what it's worth, this all started going downhill when the Captain decided the best thing to do was to pilot us into a black hole.
CAPTAIN BRAGGART: I should have sent you out mining.

Brad: The car travels back the way it came for about half an hour, finally stopping outside a round building. You are taken inside and put into a cell of some kind with four other aliens. They seem rather unemotional, and accepting of their impending death.
Rob: Yeah, well they're not armed, are they? Of course they're accepting!
Brad: One of the Armoured Douches calls for your party...you will need to act quickly.
Rob: Right. Fuck, there's our ship in orbit! I'll try and contact them!

CRIPPS: Hah...they'll soon witness the might of this armed and fully operational battle station!
CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Wrong franchise.
CRIPPS: Franchise?
CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Never mind.

Brad: You can rouse only static on the communicator. Strangely, however, all the aliens you can see freeze. When you turn off the communicator, all the aliens come back to life.

CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Try and hail them again, I like where this is heading...

Brad: Following the guard, you're led down to a large open room. Various Armoured Douches are directing civillians through a large open doorway through which a faint glow is visible. You are directed to the end of the line.
Rob: I turn on the communicator.
Brad: Again you can get nothing but static, but the aliens freeze. This could be an opportune moment to leave the room.
Rob: We'll leave the room.

CRIPPS: I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around..
CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Unbelievable...he's still in the wrong franchise.

Brad: You head through the complex, dodging the creature, but something is still blocking the signal to the ship.
Rob: Hmmm, curious.
Brad: You pass a room in which all the walls are covered in elecrical equipment. Perhaps this room is the cause of the jamming? Two aliens sit there, but your communicator has paralysed them.

CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Shoot the walls!
CRIPPS: Boring conversation anyway...
CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Oh, for fuck's sake...

Brad: Finally, you manage to get through to the ship. You give the order to beam up as soon as is possible. Whilst you wait Cripps examines the inside of one of the aliens' helmets.

CAPTAIN BRAGGART: I knew you were gay.

Brad: The creature's head is a mass of circuits! They must have been androids! You take the helmet for later examination, and the ship beams you up.

CHEMISEROUGE: I like the way we left everyone there to die.
CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Beam a communicator back down.

Brad: Leaving orbit, you operate the long range scanners. There's a planet a mere 3.6 lightyears away that could support life.

CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Let's head there.

Brad: The lab reports that the helmet you brought back was indeed an advanced piece of work. With a few adjustment, you can wear it and add 1 to your Skill. Which is nice.
Rob: Sweet. +1 Skill Helmet FTW. There's a T-shirt design there somewhere.
Brad: You approach a medium sized blue/green planet, and park in an orbit position. What is "medium sized" when it comes to a planet, anyway?
Rob: between Jupiter and...a hard plaice?

McSPINDLE: Scanners reveal several clusters of intelligent life, but radio hails are bring up nothing, sir.

Rob: How can the scanners pick up intelligent life? Surely they just pick up life signs?

McSPINDLE: I...uh...it's Space Magic, sir.
CAPTAIN BRAGGART: I didn't say anything...Anyway, beam down.
CAPTAIN BRAGGART: *whispers to others* Keep an eye on McSpindle, he was talking to himself a minute ago.

Brad: You can pick three crew members to beam down with you.
Rob: Engineering Officer Clank, Security Officer Cripps and Redshirt #4.
Brad: You land on the planet and look around. It's the middle of the thunderstorm, and you're instantly soaked in rain. You're on some rocky ground about 100 yards from what appears to be a small village.
Rob: Head for that village, I need to show off my Skill Helmet!
Brad: Three aliens, presumably villagers, are halfway to the village, and turn to face you. They are strange, podgy creatures with long necks and stumpy legs. One of the aliens runs off to the village, at what must be some sort of run. The other two advance towards you with long pointed sticks held like weapons.

CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Phasers to "Pirouette".

Rob: We walk towards them.

CAPTAIN BRAGGART: *whispers* Drop back and let Redshirt #4 take point.

Brad: They hold their ground and ready their weapons. They shout, and (through your translator) you hear they're telling you to wait where you are. Do you want to listen, or contine advancing?

CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Halt, boys. Get your weapons out but keep back. Not that weapon, Clank.
Brad: After some discussion, the aliens are obviously suspicious of you, but agree to take you to talk with their Elder.

CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Cool. Cheers.

Brad: As you enter the village, several creatures shuffle around, trying to get a better look at you. You are marched to a large hut in a clearing to chat with the Elder. In the hut, sits a rather large and wrinkled alien.

CRIPPS: And I thought they smelled bad on the outside...

Rob: I ask him about the planet.
Brad: The alien is quite chatty, and apparently the planet you are on is named Chilba. There are many similar vilage scattered across the planet. The cultural development appears similar to the Middle Ages on Earth. They are an agricultural race - but bad weather has ruined their crops for the past few seasons.

CAPTAIN BRAGGART: What the hell are you growing that doesn't like water?

Brad: Salt, presumably. The weather is controlled by someone they refer to as The Rain Lord who lives in a fortified castle, two hours away. They believe this Rain Lord is punishing them with bad weather. As the crops fail, famine and disease strikes.
Rob: I ask them about local astronomy.
Brad: Their knowledge is virtually non-existent.

CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Perhaps we could talk to this "Rain Lord" for you?

Rob: I'll be pissed if this is Michael Flatley in another one of his hair-brained schemes...

TO BE CONTINUED...

Far Cry Giveaway

Uwe Boll, German film director and amateur boxer extraordinaire, tries his hand once again at a videogame adaptation, tackling a much loved mutant monsters/military mash-up. Combining thrilling action with savage man-beasts, Boll might just have crafted his finest* entry yet!

Cult director Uwe Boll (Alone In The Dark, Bloodrayne) tries his hand at another videogame franchise - long-awaited adaptation of the hugely popular first-person shooter, Far Cry.

Jack Carver is a retired Special Forces Officer working as a contracter for hire. Set on an island in the Pacific Northwest populated by strangely mutated creatures, Far Cry sees Carver transport a top reporter to the lair of a private and secret science research facility, guarded by brutal mercenaries.

Thanks to our friends at High Fliers Video Distribution, we've got five copies of this DVD to give away to you! For your chance of winning one, send us an e-mail to farcrygiveaway@rocketmail.com with your name and postal address before midday on Sunday 27th September (UK time). The first five names drawn out of the electronic hat will win a free copy of this action-packed DVD.

* We reserve the right to use an unconventional definition of the word "finest".

The Guyver: The Forgotten Superhero

Shō Fukamachi was an ordinary pupil at an ordinary school. He wasn’t fit enough to be on the basketball team or brainy enough to be in the high classes; but he wasn’t remedial in any way, either. He was your average Teen Everyman. He hung out with his best friend Tetsurō, and had a crush on Tetsurō’s sister, Mizuki. Until one strange evening in the local park.

There, Shō discovers a strange artefact, known only as “Unit 1”. Accidentally activating it, the symbiotic creature inside merges with him, creating The Guyver – a biological weapon. A suit of living armour that grants its wearer incredible protection, weaponry, and speed.

However, with great power, there must also come great peril. The Chronos Corporation, supposed “owners” of the Guyver Unit, want it back, and will stop at nothing to obtain it. Masters of DNA manipulation, all of the corporation's foot-soldiers can morph into horrendous monsters, known as Zoanoids. What’s more, the corporation has a Guyver unit of its own, merged with a fully trained soldier.

And the third unit cannot be found...

I collected the original anime of The Guyver back in 1994, when it was issued on twelve VHS tapes – one half hour episode to a tape (you used to accept that kind of thing with anime, back in the day). To an eleven year old kid, it was awesome – fulfilling all of the criteria you sought in your entertainment. Child/teenager protagonist? Check. Monsters? Check. Superheroes? Check, and check. Oodles of blood spurting hyper-violent combat? Check, check, and “Holy shit, you don’t get this with Dan Dare”!

One of the superpowers/weapons was referred to simply as “The Mega Smasher”? Yeah, you see why this would appeal to an eleven year old kid, right? That and the emotionally fourteen twenty-six year old he has become. Okay, nearly twenty-seven.

That, and the bad guys are good-old fashioned evil for the sake of evil. You don’t get that anymore. An evil corporation with an army of monsters working for it? Colour me intrigued!

The whole thing was like a Saturday Morning Cartoon for adults – it had all the clean cut morality, teen protagonist, etc. But the violence, storylines and gore work was definitely for adults – and that’s why we liked it as kids. Kids don’t like to be condescended to: they’re just short adults, and like to be treated as such.

I remember my Dad bringing home the first instalment on VHS (my Dad was into anime back before it was cool. If there is an icon for the emotionally fourteen, it’s probably my Dad); and my brother (E14 writer Blake Harmer) and I being totally blown away by it. It was the ultimate superhero cartoon – and the buckets of blood being spurted at the camera didn’t hurt any either.

I negotiated with my parents to ditch The Eagle as my comic, and get The Guyver videos as they came out instead; which amazingly worked...although looking back on it, I wonder how much of it was because my Dad wanted to see them anyway.

Yeah, there were a couple of dodgy live-action movies made (Mutronics & Guyver: Dark Hero), but they were too Mighty Morphin Power Rangers for my liking. They never managed to really nail what The Guyver was about. It wasn’t about rolling around in the dust whilst doing some vaguely Mortal Kombat-esque poses. It was about KILLING FUCKING MONSTERS WITH SUPERWEAPONS.

It’s easy to forget in this schoolgirl-tentacle-emo-Love-Hina-Sailor-Moon-Sgt-Frog loopy world, that once upon a time, being into Japanese animation didn’t mean you were a weirdo. It meant you liked guns, explosions, violence, blood, monsters and THE GUYVER.

The thing about The Guyver was that it didn’t do all that much that was new – it just did it all incredibly awesomely. To me and the group of friends who bombed round my house to watch the latest video when it came in, The Guyver was where it was at. It was destined never to be a major success, obviously – no parent would actually want their child to watch it (except mine, but, as mentioned earlier...), but for kids, we just thought it was the most awesome thing we’d seen in a long time. Hey, it was this, or Bucky O’Hare.

A re-make of the original series, The Guyver: Bio-Boosted Armour, is available now as a DVD box-set from Manga Video (RRP £59.99).