DVD Reviews

Repo Men
Starring: Jude Law, Liev Schreiber, Forrest Whitaker
Director: Miguel Sapochnik
Universal Pictures UK
Available from Monday 23rd August - £15.99 (DVD) & £19.99 (Blu-ray)
Review by Brad Harmer

It’s the near-future and people can enhance their bodies, replacing any damaged organ with artificial replacements. There's one catch: it's expensive...and if you can't keep up with the payments your body parts will be repossessed by the "Repo Men"...with painful and bloody results! Jude Law plays Remy, one of the best Repo Men. When he falls behind on the payments for his new heart, his old partner Jake (Forest Whitaker - Species), is sent to hunt him down and rip his new heart out.

Now that the hunter is the hunted, Remy joins Beth (the Brazilian one from Predators) on the run across a landscape populated by friends and foes, becoming a champion for thousands like him, on the run from the Repo Men.

It’s good to see Cyberpunk rising again. This movie opens up with neon signs in Chinese, flying cars, body implants and ridiculously oversized guns – by that point all you’re missing is Hauer Power, and he’s got seven movies coming out this year already. He can’t be everywhere. Cut the guy some slack.

Anyway, this is a pretty good action/sci-fi movie. The fight scenes are hard-hitting and the tension as Remy goes on the run from the other Repo Men is kept up really well. All the characters are fully rounded and (ton one degree or another) likable. The only real fault of Repo Men lies with its ending: which is *SPOILER - highlight to read* exactly the same ending as Terry Gilliam’s Brazil *END SPOILER*.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: Tasering, cutting, slicing, blood, shooting, gory (although stylised) surgery, several protracted gunfights and explosions.
Sex/Nudity: Some boobs, and implied sex.
Swearing: Normal for a Hollywood action movie.
Summary: Well worth checking out, and definitely darker than most sci-fi being released at the moment – with plenty of ass-kickery for good measure. The ending is a little bit of a let-down, however, stumbling along the fine line between “inspiration” and “Plagiarism”. 8/10

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Flash Gordon
Starring: Melody Anderson, Sam J. Jones, Max von Sydow
Director: Mike Hodges
Elevation Sales
Available from Monday 23rd August - £19.99 (Blu-ray) & £24.99 (Blu-ray and Soundtrack Album)
Review by Brad Harmer

Ming the Merciless, Emperor of planet Mongo has begun his plan of destruction for planet Earth. Zarkov, a mad scientist, detects the signs of an intergalactic assault and forces Flash Gordon, star football player and the beautiful Dale Arden to board his rocket and save with a mighty hand every man every woman every child with a mighty flash from the evil Emperor. Can Flash – Saviour of the Universe and King of the Impossible - save the universe?

I’m rarely impressed with Blu-ray re-masters, sadly. Mostly it seems like the software is too far ahead of the hardware, and what you’re left with is either jerky movements, stuttery pans or – in really bad cases – blur or pixelisation. However, this – along with the recent Predator: Ultimate Hunter Edition – is the best re-mastering I’ve seen on a Blu-ray. The picture is so sharp you can cut your eyes on it if you’re not careful, and it sounds great. And you haven’t experienced Brian Blessed until you’ve seen him in 1080p.

If you’re a fan of this movie – and I think everyone is – then this is essential...and the price is pretty reasonable, too.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: Some laser blaster fights, and explosions. One ritual combat. Someone is impaled on spikes.
Sex/Nudity: None.
Swearing: Some “bastards”.
Summary: A sci-fi/adventure classic gets a top-notch re-mastering job. A little lacking in extras, considering it’s an anniversary set, but well worth picking up. 10/10

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The Ancient World According to Terry Jones
Starring: Terry Jones
Director: Phil Grabsky
Seventh Art
Available Now - £19.99 (DVD)
Review by Brad Harmer

Monty Python star and history enthusiast Terry Jones presents this award-winning documentary series which unearths the secrets of the ancient world. In his idiosyncratic and bizarre way, Terry Jones takes us on a surprising journey to explore the history of sex; a myth-busting and highly original view of ancient inventions; and explores the most bizarre and shocking life in ancient Rome and Egypt.

I was ten or eleven years old when Horrible Histories books first started arriving, and to this day, I think they were the only kid’s series that managed to both “entertain and educate” (many things promised this in the nineties. They all failed.). Watching The Ancient World According to Terry Jones, I could not help but think of these books, as this is the spiritual successor to them. Trivia and important points alike are presented clearly and impressively, but always with humour.

Jones is a great host (and he’s the co-writer of the series too, so not just a talking head), and the whole thing is pretty entertaining. You don’t need to be majorly into history to follow what’s being presented as no prior knowledge is assumed. People with an interest in history shows could certainly do a lot worse than this set.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: Several detailed (although often comedic) demonstrations and depictions of warfare.
Sex/Nudity: A whole episode given over to ancient sex.
Swearing: None.
Summary: A highly entertaining series, presented as a “Horrible Histories For Adults”, with Jones being...well, Terry Jones. Unlikely to be watched more than once, but certainly worth a rental. 8/10

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SHADOWLAND: GHOST RIDER PREVIEW

Shadowland: Ghost Rider - from Rob Williams and Clayton Crain - continues the Shadowland story as the Spirit of Vengeance makes his debut after being summoned by the Kingpin. In an attempt to change the tides of war, Ghost Rider must travel to Japan and take on the unrelenting might of the secret ninja organization known as The Hand. Can Ghost Rider storm into the belly of the beast and make it out in one piece? Find out in Shadowland: Ghost Rider #1, on sale in the UK from 16th September.

Click on the pictures below for a larger view:

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THE MAMMOTH BOOK OF BEST NEW SF 23

Seventeen times winner of the Locus Award for the Year's Best Anthology and now in its twenty-third blockbuster year, Gardner Dozois' compelling annual is the single must-have collection for science fiction fans around the world. Offering the very best new stories of the year, it showcases up-and-coming stars alongside established masters of the genre, including Peter Watts, Jo Walton, Vandana Singh, Mary Rosenblum, Damien Broderick and Albert E. Cowdrey.

Ranging from solid, fast-paced adventures ot the jaw-droppingly offbeat; from intensely human psychological dramas played out against a backdrop of imaginary worlds to the darkly fanastical. Great bonuses, as ever, are Dozois' consistently absorbing, definitive annual round-up of all things sci-fi and an extensive recommended reading guide.

Thanks to our friends at Robinson Publishing, we've got five copies of The Mammoth Book of Best New SF 23 to give away! For your chance of winning, send us an e-mail to newsf23giveaway@yahoo.co.uk with your name and postal address before midday on Saturday 28th August (UK time). The first five names drawn out of the electronic hat will win a free copy!

E14 Exchange

Rob: Aaaaaah, Bodyfail! Bodyfail for me!
Brad: I was just thinking it's been a while...what is it now?
Rob: Not a hundred per cent sure, only started today. Feels like it could be the kidneys again.
Brad: What's up, then?
Rob: Woke up this morning with a shooting pain in my front stomach. that pain has shifted round the back, and i've got something pushing against my chest when I breathe in.
Brad: Have you been shot recently?
Rob: I've not been shot that i'm aware of, unless I heal faster than Wolverine. Which i'm not saying is impossible...

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Brad: I fucked your Mum, by the way.
Rob: Why do you use "by the way" in that sentence, as if it's some important information I need to know?
Brad: You didn't want to know?
Rob: Why would I want to know that?
Brad: I just figured you would be interested in what two important people in your life had been up to. It's not like I told you the position and everything!
Rob: Here it comes...
Brad: Reverse cowgirl, by the way. Whoops. At least I didn't mention the PVC nurse's uniform.
Rob: God damn it.
Brad: Say what you like, I think it made me look hot.

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Brad: I wonder why they've never done Hellboy Vs Predator. I mean...they're both owned by Dark Horse. It makes perfect sense.
Blake: I think it's because every time the writers think about it too hard, they ejaculate and can't get any work done.

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Brad: Be online in five minutes, mate.
Rob: Ok cool. I’ll be Bing-whacking.
Brad: You’ll be what?
Rob: Bing-whacking. I want to know if it’s the same as Google-whacking.
Brad: Oh. I thought it was some weird masturbation thing.
Rob: That's just my own twist on it.

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Brad: If you log forty minutes of playing time before the title screen, you might be playing a JRPG.

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Brad: You're a good kid, really. Sometimes it almost makes me for feel awkward for all the dick I give your mother.
Rob: And I wouldn't feel bad for dicking my mum. I'd feel bad for how little she enjoys it...
Brad: You must be doing it wrong.
Rob: I mean if I...never mind.

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Brad: Do you ever find it hard to remember all the Star Wars stuff you own, or is that just me?
Rob: I have an annex.
Brad: Wasn't she the singer for The Eurythmics?
Rob: I...sure?

Gaming Reviews

DarkStar One: Broken Alliance
Kalypso Media
Available Now - £44.99 (Xbox 360)
Review by Rob Wade

DarkStar One: Broken Alliance is a space combat game with a 1st-person viewpoint, putting you in the role of Kayron Jarvis (which I realise is a terrible name, I seem to get a few of those in games I review – remember Edge Maverick from Star Ocean 4?) aboard his ship, the DarkStar One, as he sets out to find the man responsible for betraying his father.

This ship is unique in the galaxy as the only ship that can absorb certain alien artifacts dotted around over three hundred planetary systems. Players can play this game more or less how they want, with a large amount of freedom given between game quests to either smuggle, trade legitimately, hunt bounties or even become a privateer attacking cargo ships.

If you’re looking for a similar game to compare it to, the best example I can give is a game called Freelancer on PC. In that game, you could go through a storyline completing side-quests and challenges along the way. Actually, scratch that. The most faithful example of a similar game is the original game from which this is ported, DarkStar One on PC.

There are a couple of issues with this game, mostly in the fact that the gameplay is quite repetitive. You go from one star system to another, battling pirates (I suppose they’re space pirates, which is more awesome), getting money to spend on upgrades to your ship and completing missions both in the main storyline and the terminals of each space station. The mission types available in the game are Sabotage, Recording conversations, Cargo ship attacks, pirate gang destructions and so forth, but ultimately most of the missions degrade into one of the following:

Enter star system. Find Pirates. Destroy Pirates. Receive reward.
Enter star system. Find container. Destroy Pirates. Return container for reward.
Enter star system. Protect cargo ship by destroying pirates. Receive Reward.

While these missions are fun for the most part, the game isn’t exactly particularly varied in its execution. Having said that, it could just as easily have fucked its basic gameplay up and not been fun at all, which this game has definitely not done. The game itself is fun, and the revenge storyline you’re initially sent off to investigate is enjoyable enough as you go along, with more depth brought in through the introduction of Eona, the sidekick female pictured on the box.

The game looks beautiful in motion, with space looking great running, and the game not suffering a hint of slowdown despite a large number of ships and objects on screen at any one time. The music is good in this game, but the sound not so much. Clearly when the developers were deciding which creatures to give different voices to, they forgot that if any random characters in the game were of that race such as pirates and so forth, they should all have the same speech patterns. As it is, some of the Mortok, the game’s deep-voiced aliens, seem to have been voiced by random Europeans instead.

Ultimately the game is a lot of fun, but at an RRP of £44.99 there are better games out there which provide a more varied experience. However, if you can find this game at a good price in a sale, then it’s definitely worth picking up.

The Emotionally Fourteen Games Rating
Graphics : A great looking game, with nice big expanses of open space laden with scenery. To the game’s credit it doesn’t slow down or anything, despite having so many items on screen. Frequent loading may compensate for this however.
Sound/Music : Lots of typical space opera music, certainly not to the quality of the best sci-fi movie soundtracks, but a good indicator of how the game is going at times. Fucking woeful voice acting, but hilariously so.
Gameplay : Strong 1st person space combat, although it can get a little repetitive at times.
Lasting Appeal : Plenty of planetary systems to explore, but most of the missions seem to fall into the same format.
Summary : Although it’s repetitive, the game is good fun and definitely worth picking up for the right price, which the RRP of £44.99 is most assuredly not. 7/10

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Dragon Quest IX: Sentinels of the Starry Skies
Nintendo/Square Enix
Available Now - £34.99 (DS)
Review by Brad Harmer

You begin your journey in Dragon Quest IX as an angel in the Kingdom of Angels. You and your fellow angels are seeking to move into the God's Land, by helping and protecting your mortal town and earning the thanks of the villagers which intern will earn you 'Star Auras' which are the key the God's Land. But this is not to be as the kingdom of angels is attacked from below by a mysterious and powerful force.

The force scatters the angels, and knocks your character into the mortal world, where you awaken without wings or a halo in the town you formerly protected. Having lost most of your angel powers, but the ability to see deceased and magical spirits, you must travel the mortal world to find a way back to the kingdom of angels. You must help and protect the villagers to gain 'Star Auras' that will enable you to return to the kingdom of angels.

This is, of course, so much bollocks.

If you’ve ever played a JRPG* before, then you’ve played this game before. Miles and miles of walking? Check. Micro-management of your protagonists gay-ass costume? Check. Obnoxiously cute monsters that make it all but impossible to find them a threat in any way? Cruelcumber check.

Seriously, what the fuck is up with JRPGs are their complete inability to feature monsters that don’t make me really cross? I loved Lord of the Rings: The Third Age because it was basically Final Fantasy VII with some Uruk-Hai and a Balrog in place of whatever pun-based monster was being used as cannon fodder in Final Fantasy that year.

If you’re a fan of JRPGs will no doubt hail this as being so in-depth-vast-innovative or whatever. If you’re into Manga and Anime and 30 Seconds To Fall Out Romance, then you’ll probably love all the cute characters and their fruity outfits as well. Casual gamers, and other normal people will be unimpressed. There’s absolutely nothing here that hasn’t been done a hundred times over since 1994.

* The “J” here is used as in “J-Horror” and “J-Rock” (ie. “J” stands for “FUBAR”).

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: It’s satisfying to kill the buggery out of irritating cartoon monsters.
Sex/Nudity: Someone, somewhere will jerk off to this game. That’s JRPGs for you, I’m afraid.
Swearing: None.
Summary: Maybe I am being overly harsh on it. There’s a decent enough game here, but there’s nothing new to win over new fans. If you’re into these sort of games, you’ll have a great time...but don’t bother if you’re not. 7/10

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3:16 CARNAGE AMONGST THE STARS GIVEAWAY

This high-octane science-fiction role-playing game written by Gregor Hutton has your space troopers killing bugs all across the Cosmos. You'll advance in rank, improve your weapons, slay civilisation and civilisation, and find out who you are through an innovative "flashback" game mechanic.

See where your tour of duty in the 3:16th Expeditionary Force takes you and your friends. Join in Terra's plan to kill every living thing in the Universe to protect the homeworld. Revel in the kill-happy machismo and enjoy a campaign of carnage amongst the stars!

Thanks to our friends at Cubicle 7, we've got a copy of the awesome table-top RPG 3:16 Carnage Amongst the Stars to give away! For your chance of winning, send us an e-mail to carnage316giveaway@yahoo.co.uk with your name and postal address before midday on Tuesday 24th August (UK time). The first name drawn out of the electronic hat will win a free copy!