DVD Reviews

Fist of Legend
Starring: Siu-hou Chin, Jet Li, Shinobu Nakayama
Director: Gordon Chan
Showbox Media Group Ltd
Available Now - £17.99 (DVD) and £24.99 (Blu-ray)
Review by Blake Harmer

Some of the best Kung Fu movies have the simplest of storylines, such as Bruce Lee's Enter the Dragon and Jackie Chan’s Drunken Master. This is because the plot must always take a back seat to the main point of the movies: The Kung Fu. The same is present in Jet Li’s Fist of Legend: Jet Li is on a mission to avenge the death of his master who was supposedly murdered by the Japanese Black Dragon Clan and to restore the pride and dignity of his Chinese martial arts dojo. That is probably all you need to know as it is pretty much used as an excuse to link up the Kung Fu awesomeness, whilst keeping the viewer interested as well (if all the broken bones and violence don't).

Unlike other Jet Li films such as The Legend, Li doesn’t really mess about with impressive show boaty martial arts, but instead cuts to the point and breaks about thirty people’s legs, arms and jaws within the first five minutes of the film alone. The action doesn’t really let up from there except for some scenes moving the plot along and before you know it Li has kicked the hell out of an entire Japanese dojo, as well as numerous other people. The action is fast and bone-crunchingly meaty with some excellent martial arts on display here. Each fight scene is expertly choreographed.

My only criticism of this superb Kung Fu spectacle is that it seems slightly sped up, this is probably to make the combat look more impressive, but when I know for a fact that Jet Li is fast, I didn’t see it necessary to make the combat any faster than it probably was.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: Lots of broken bones and realistic looking kung fu. It can be safely said that the action and violence is unrelenting throughout.
Sex/Nudity: Some references to sex but nothing is really shown.
Swearing: Some swear words, but the high certification is probably for the amount of violence.
Summary: An explosive Kung Fu movie that doesn’t muck about when it comes to good Kung Fu and impressive set pieces. I highly recommend this to Kung Fu fans, as well newcomers to the genre. This isn’t the best Jet Li movie ever made, but it is definitely up there. 8/10

Delgo
Starring: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Val Kilmer, Freddie Pinze Jr.
Director: Marc F. Adler and Jason Maurer
20th Century Fox Home Entertainment
Available Now - £19.99 (DVD)
Review by Blake Harmer

Like my review of Alice in Wonderland, Delgo’s plot is sadly not a very original one:

In an exotic divided land, Delgo, an adventurous dreamer but naive teenager, must rally his group of troubled youths, and some unlikely friends, to protect their world from conflict between the terrestrial Lockni people, who harness the mysteries of the land, and the winged Nohrin people, who rule the skies. They lived on the planet in an uneasy peace until Delgo was framed for a crime he did not commit, sparking conflict between the two nations. After enlisting the help of an unlikely friend to escape a Nohri prison, Delgo discovers Imhoff; the king of the Nohrin people is in danger so he must unite the two races against a common foe, the evil Sedessa.

Again, this is a story of an unlikely hero overcoming adversity and stopping a potential war and saving the world from falling into chaos, which we have seen many times before. It also doesn’t help the fact that the graphics can vary from brilliant, to poor, with characters looking rather flat faced at times whilst the actual animation such as the combat is stunning.

Despite these flaws that would condemn most films, Delgo does feature superb voice over work from a strong cast, including Malcolm Macdowell (Fist of The North Star, Tank Girl) and Eric Idle (Christmas Vacation 2, The Secret of Nimh 2), which suit the characters they play perfectly. Also, credit should go towards the character design of not only the main characters but also the creatures that inhabit Delgo’s world. Also, despite the unoriginality of the story, Delgo does tell it well, and whilst this story may not appeal to adults, I’m sure it will be thoroughly enjoyed by younger audiences.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: Lots of fighting and fireworks when magic is cast but nothing gory or over the top. This is intended for younger audiences after all.
Sex/Nudity: None.
Swearing: None.
Summary: A fun and enjoyable movie, albeit uninspiring with some questionable special effects in places. Younger audiences will enjoy this with it possibly gaining some cult status in the future. However, adults will probably tire of it long before the kids do. 6/10

Shawn Michaels: My Journey
Clear Vision
Available Now - £29.99 (DVD)
Review by Omer Ibrahim

"The Heart Break Kid"
"The Show Stopper"
"Mr Wrestlemania"

However you recognise Shawn Michaels, you will undoubtably know that he is, and has been, an integral part of pro wrestling for over 20 years. Reaching all the way back to his pre-WWF days, January 11th 1985, this 3 disc collection gathers an impressive 21 matches as a tribute to the career of the man born Michael Shawn Hickenbottom.

The layout of the DVD is a nice, simple affair. HBK and Michael Cole sit in a dark room and conduct somewhat of an interview. They talk about a stage in Shawn's career, then we're shown a match. More talky, more wrestley, and loop until 3 discs are full.

I really can't pick too many holes in this release. Anything that I can find a problem with is minor, or easily explainable. Can I realy complain that Shawn's choice of hatwear is ridiculous? No. Can I complain that Cole doesn't ask probing enough questions? Yes, but the fact that Michaels goes into more detail than he is asked for covers this well.

My only real problem: The opening sequence of the DVD made me think that HBK may be dead. Now, I know that he's retired, but WWE have taken it a bit far.

Also, some key matches are missing from the set. However, through this, WWE have shown an amazing amount of restraint and intelligence. For example: HBK's stunning Mind Games match with Mankind is not included. It is included on his Boyhood Dream DVD, and on Mick Foley's compilation. So we aren't made to watch a match that we've seen twice before. Plus we are instead given a match between the two that would otherwise have been omitted. Win-win if you ask me (As well as this, if you do want to see the match, you will buy the other releases! Well done Vince McMoney!).

The sit-down interview is suprisingly candid and honest. Shawn's answers are truthful, and he actualy corrects Cole when he gives some WWE-friendly scripted nonsense. Credit goes to him for his integrity and to WWE for having the grapefruits to release it. They gloss over the Montreal Screwjob, thank Thor.

As good as all this is, the DVD's strength is the matches. Not only do they portray the pure talent that Mr. Hickenbottom has, but the sheer weight of footage here is incredibly valuable to any collector.

If all of this won't sell it to you, think about this; Have you ever seen HBK laugh? No? There's a good reason for this. He sounds like Proffesor Frink.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: Usual wrestley action. Michaels is, as we say in the business, really fucking good at bleeding.
Sex/Nudity: Mild DX-era references.
Swearing: Hells and damns. He's a born again Christian y'no!
Summary: If it seems that I'm a bit of a Shawn fanboy, I'm really not. I've heard stories of the man, from people who would know, that I don't like the sound of. However, this DVD is so incredibly good at what it does, there's only one way to score it: 10/10

Dickass DM

Remember good, old-fashioned gamebooks? They promised all the fun of a role-playing game, with none of the social interaction - what more could an teenage boy desire? The thing is, that while the gamebook became a great gaming experience in its own right, the only RPG it could possibly have simulated was one being GM'd by Satan himself. 90% of decisions led to certain death, and combat was often fatal.

Satan wasn't available, so Brad will be GMing Rob through an RPG based on the classic Ian Livingstone Fighting Fantasy gamebook Armies of Death.

Previously on Armies of Death: Rich and stupid adventurer General Braggart has raised an army to march forward and destroy the forces of Shagglax the Shadow SDemon. After a couple of strange and violent encounters, he has discovered a bizarre pet shop. A thin, bearded old man is sitting on a stool behind a wooden counter talking to a large crow, perched on his hand.

Brad is the GM, and Rob plays his character, General Braggart.

Read Part One Here
Read Part Two Here

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Crow: Who's an ugly boy, then?

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Brad: The old man appears unconcerned at your entrance; you look round the shop and see many small animals - cats, birds and small rodents - and also other, strange creatures. There is one that sits up on its two hind legs like a kangaroo, but it is less than two feet tall and is green and lacks fur. Another is a small winged creature with leathery amber skin; it seems quite content to fly from one side of the shop to the other. This is almost as bizarre as the exotic pet shop in Canterbury. Which had penguins for a while. And a fruit bat.
Rob: Penguins?!
Brad: Yup.
Rob: Awesome!
Brad: I swing by every now and again because the guy there is literally insane. He had a Texan Rattlesnake once.
Rob: Terrifying.
Brad: Other creatures are equally odd and you are standing looking at them in amazement when the old man suddenly says:

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Old Man: You are fascinated by my pets, are you not?
General Braggart: I am...not...not fascinated.
Old Man: Are you interested in buying one of them? I have both household pets and familiars that can talk. Some are very special indeed and can even create a little magic. You look like an adventurer to me, so I presume it may be a familiar that you require.
General Braggart: Something familiar would be better...
Old Man: Would you like to buy a talking familiar such as my crow here, or would you like a special creature?
General Braggart: How much is the crow?
Old Man: I'm sure you'll find this crow very good company. His name is Billy, and he even understands the odd word in Orcish. Ten Gold Pieces is an absolute bargain for such a fine crow, if I say so myself.

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Rob: Buy it. I was expecting a more expensive price, that's a good deal.
Brad: After pocketing your gold, the old man hands the crow to you.

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Old Man: Now, Billy, I want you to be a good friend to your new owner.

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Brad: With the crow perched on your shoulder, you leave the shop. As soon as you are outside, the old man locks the door and hangs a CLOSED sign up in the window. You walk off down the street and decide to talk to your new pet.

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General Braggart: Did I just buy his only item of stock? I feel bad now.

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Brad: You ask the crow to suggest somewhere interesting to go.
Rob: This is where I find out he's a perv.
Brad: Billy suddenly flies off your shoulder, circles above you and squawks:
Rob: 'Rawwwk - titty bar!'?

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Billy: Darkwood Forest! See you there!

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Brad: Then he squawks again loudly, as though laughing, and flies up into the sky, disappearing beyond the rooftops of Zengis. Suddenly angry, you run back to the shop and hammer on the door, but there is no reply.

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Sir McSpindle: Douche.

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Brad: Annoyed at your own stupidity for buying the crow, you set off down the street. Further along, you come to another shop.

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General Braggart: Are we just ignoring the crow? Fair enough...

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Brad: Yeah, fuck the crow.
Rob: Stupid Brandon Lee.
Brad: The window is full of old things, all piled on top of another: boxes, tins, clothes, tools, pottery, carvings and curious are all heaped up like a pile of jumble. A pawnbroker's sign, somewhat the worse for wear, hangs above the door.
Rob: Pornbroker? This is where that crow went. Enter the shop
Brad: After porn, huh?
Rob: Well, a life at sea is probably lonely...
Brad: Just you and a thousand muscley men...Inside the shop you are greeted by a friendly old woman who calls herself Bonny.
Rob: Is she now?

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Bonny: Have a look around, there's a price on everything you can see.

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Rob: Is there a price on her?
Brad: Not a visible one. Two of the walls are lined with shelves from floor to ceiling; they are crammed with more junk collected over the years, most of it covered with a thick layer of dust. You cast your eye along the shelves and pull out several things which may be of interest, each with its own price tag.

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Brass Owl - 10GP
Copper Lantern - 5 GP
Helmet - 10 GP
Ivory Box - 5GP
Green Vase - 20 GP

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Rob: What does the Brass owl do?
Brad: I don't know. Whatever it does, it's got to be better value for money than the crow. Do you want to buy anything?
Rob: Can I buy everything? That's only 50 GP.
Brad: If you can afford it. Is that what you want to do?
Rob: Yeah, Commerce FTW.
Brad: You take your purchases, pay Bonny and leave. You arrive at an old building which looks like a barn, with large wooden doors at the front. A man is standing in front of the doors and there is much shouting and cheering coming from inside the building. You step towards the entrance, but the man bars your way.

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Man: Pie eating competition. Five gold pieces to go in, and then you can join in the competition against Big Belly Man if you think you can out eat him.
General Braggart: I skipped lunch, but that name sounds ominous...
Man: Mind you, nobody ever has, I think I should tell you.

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Rob: Walk on.
Brad: Fuck you plot hook!
Rob: It can't be the main story!
Brad: On your left you see an alleyway, at the bottom of which is a pile of barrels.
Rob: I investigate the alleyway.
Brad: Walking down the alley, you tread on an iron grate. As you pass over it, the grate suddenly flies into the air and two ugly brown creatures scramble out of the tunnel beneath the grate. Covered in warts and dripping in sewage, two foul-smelling Sewer Goblins, armed with spiked clubs, run forward to ambush you.

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General Braggart: Finally, a real fight! Well, as real as Sewer Goblins get I suppose.

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RUNNING COMBAT:

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The first goblin approaches
You photocopy its face.

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Rob: Xerox'd!

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You dress up as Chun-Li and do a spinning bird kick.
You dress up as Chun-Li and threaten his sexuality.
First Sewer Goblin is defeated.

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Rob: That'll do it.

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The second Sewer Goblin approaches.
You borrow the Goblin's pen, and forget to give it back.

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Rob: Ha! And I've got my own pen as well!

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You tell him a really long-winded story about the time you once met either Hale or Pace, you can't remember, and could never really tell them apart anyway.
The second Sewer Goblin is defeated.

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Rob: Yeah, that story does a lot of people in.
Brad: You find nothing of interest on the bodies of the Sewer Goblins. Nothing!!!
Rob: Dammit. Inspect barrels
Brad: You can use pronouns with me, you know.
Rob: I know. I just figured it'd be quicker.
Brad: First two barrels examine empty. See how you like it...
Rob: Okay, and others?
Brad: The third has a piece of cold sacking covering it; before you can even touch it, however, a squeaky man's voice shouts out from inside.

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Voice: Go away! Leave me alone!
General Braggart: A talking barrel! Do you sing?!
Voice: Can't a body get a decent afternoon nap these days?
General Braggart: It’s the morning!

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Rob: I pull back the sacking to see who is inside the barrel.
Brad: You pull back the sacking and are confronted by a small man, no more than three feet tall; he is dressed in bright green clothes and is curled up inside the barrel.
Rob: ...Yoda?
Brad: He glares up at you with an angry expression. He has an odd-shaped hat on his head that appears to be held in place by his long pointed ears.

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Man: Put the cover back! I'm warning you!
General Braggart: Or what?

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Brad: Then, as if from nowhere, a rotten tomato hits you in the face. As you stand there with bits of tomato dripping off your chin, the small man begins to laugh.
Rob: I can't think of being hit by a rotten tomato without thinking about movie ratings now...Attack!
Brad: Are you sure?
Rob: Yeah, he pissed me off, I was acting kayfabe. I've been known to do that.
Brad: Only a foolish adventurer would attack a Leprechaun. Before you can even raise your arm to strike a blow, the Leprechaun tosses some magic dust in your face. You are instantly paralysed - the only part of your body that you can move is your eyes; but you still have your sense.
Rob: W....T....F?
Brad: For the next half-hour you are stuck rigid to the spot and forced to listen to a long lecture from the Leprechaun on how absolutely wrong it is to attack defenceless people. Still preferable to playing Infernal: Hell's Vengeance, though, right?
Rob: Totally.
Brad: When the lecture is finally over, the Leprechaun starts to rummage through your backpack and pockets.
Rob: Oh motherfucker!
Brad: He doesn't find anything of interest to him, and shrugs.

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Leprechaun: Now, let that be a lesson to you.
General Braggart: What, you telling me off and then not stealing anything? I'll live.

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Brad: Another half-hour passes and the paralysis starts to wear off.
Rob: I climb into the sewer. What happened to that leprachaun then?
Brad: He climbed down into the sewer with a box marked "Front Towards Enemy", I think. You climb down a metal-runged ladder that is secured to the side of the wall, until you reach the sewer below. The foul stench rising from the sludge that is flowing slowly by makes you heave.
Rob: Blurgh...
Brad: Looking down the sewer you see what appears to be the flickering flame of a candle and you can just hear the sound of a whispering voice. You are convinced that there must be more Sewer Goblins ahead.
Rob: I walk down the sewer. I needs some bloodshed.

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Brought to you from the twisted mind of Warren Speed, Zombie Women of Satan combines everything you would want in a classic B Movie picture with plenty of semi-clad zombie girls, belly laughs galore and buckets of blood and guts.

When a group of nightclub performers arrive on a remote farm for a cable interview, they soon discover the dark secret of the family residents who have been kidnapping and torturing gorgeous young women as part of a perverted cult. However, the families experiments have backfired and the stocking clad women have now become ravenous zombies.

Thanks to our friends at Revolver Entertainment, we've got three copies of Zombie Women of Satan to give away! For your chance of winning one, send us an e-mail to zombiewomengiveaway@yahoo.co.uk with your name and postal address before midday on Friday 25th June (UK time). The first three names drawn out of the electronic hat will win a free copy!

Book Reviews

Honour & The Sword
A.L. Berridge
Michael Joseph
Available Now - £12.99 (Hardback)
Review by Rob Wade

It is 1636 - the height of the Thirty Years War, one of the bloodiest and most destructive conflicts Europe has ever seen. As the campaigning season begins, the Spanish armies swell out of the Artois region of the Netherlands - flooding into King Louis XIII's France. The sleepy border village of Dax-en-roi stands in their way. Facing the overwhelming might of the Spanish forces, the Chevalier de Roland rallies a valiant defence, but in vain, his household guard no match for the invaders. There is only one survivor, one soul who escapes the Spanish brutality: the lone heir to the Roland name, the son, Andre de Roland, the new Sieur of Dax ...Upon this young nobleman's shoulders all hope lies. He alone must bear the honour of the Roland name and, with it, the fate of his people...

Many people may not have heard of the author of this novel, as until recently she was involved in writing for popular soap opera Eastenders in the UK. The novel is a significant read at 640 pages in Hardback form, and one of the few main criticisms I have of this novel is the sheer length and depth of storyline involved. I understand that this is a historical novel, and that a certain amount of explanation has to come along, but the length is a major factor.

The novel is presented in the form of eyewitness accounts from people close to Andre de Roland as well as Jacques Gilbert, the young peasant who ends up his protector. The book is quite nicely spaced out in this sense, perhaps something done to combat the length, and the sections are broken up quite nicely and develop the characters in a more interesting way than purely telling you about them in straightforward prose format.

Overall I rather liked this novel; the story is well told, although I’d have preferred a bit less depth in places in terms of the length of the story. The characters are rich and interesting, with complex personalities and diverse temperaments, from the fiery Andre to the more passive Jacques. The setting is an interesting one as well, as although there are a few novels of this style, the Thirty Years War is one of those areas that I’ve not heard much from in terms of novelisations.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Violence: Considering it’s set during the Thirty Years war as opposed to the Thirty Years Hug, are you surprised that the answer is “quite a bit”?
Sex/Nudity: Some references to rape, but nothing to write home about. Though quite why you’d write home on that subject is anyone’s guess.
Swearing: A fair bit, mostly “bastard” and “son of a bitch”.
Summary: An enjoyable book, and certainly a sign that the author was wasted on soap operas. 8/10

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Doctor Who: Apollo 23
Justin Richards
BBC Books
Available Now - £6.99 (Hardback)
Review by Kelly Prior

Apollo 23 is an exciting new adventure featuring the Doctor and his fiery young companion, Amy Pond, of BBC’s Doctor Who. The two friends attempt to spend a normal day on Earth, but their empty schedule is very quickly filled by a series of bizarre events, most surprisingly, an American astronaut turning up, as if by magic, in the middle of a shopping centre. When Amy and the Doctor find themselves stranded on a secret military base on the moon, it seems that things cannot get any worse...But, let’s face it, things are going to get a lot worse...

This short novel is certainly one for all the ages. Children will love the imaginative plot and comical dialogue, while adults will enjoy the exciting action scenes. The constant references to science and scientific theory, while sometimes complex, are not intended to hinder the plot, and you do not need to be a genius to invest in the story. The plot twists are basic at best, with very little shock value, but they are enjoyable nonetheless.

The plot itself is pretty satisfying. The narration, however, could be a lot better. It almost feels as though Richards is being lazy when it comes to writing his characters. Of course, most of us already know Amy and the Doctor from the television series but this does not excuse Richard’s failure to give these characters any real depth or description.

As the story evolves, it becomes increasingly obvious that you need to be a Doctor Who fan to fully appreciate this book. There are many references to the Doctor’s past, but no offering of any detailed explanation. Fans of the show have spent years building up a relationship with the Doctor, and it is impossible to expect one short novel to do the same. The reader really needs to have at least a basic understanding of the television series.

Apollo 23 is fun, silly and immature, in true Doctor Who fashion, but it also knows how to be serious when it needs to be. Despite the front cover looking like a first time attempt at Photoshop, and Matt Smith’s head looking remarkably like a potato, this book pretty much provides everything we would expect from Doctor Who and the BBC. You’ll finish reading it with a smile on your face, and you might even find yourself eagerly reading the “coming soon” section at the back of the book.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: References to weapons and some fight scenes.
Sex/Nudity: None. I’m not sure the world is ready to see Matt Smith naked.
Swearing: None.
Summary: If you are a Doctor Who fan, then don’t miss out on this exciting new story. If you know nothing about this strange “Doctor” I have been referring to, then this book is probably not for you. With an RRP of £6.99, though, it’s worth a curious glance if you enjoy child friendly Sci Fi. 6/10

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Star Wars - The Clone Wars: No Prisoners
Karen Traviss
Arrow Books
Available Now - £7.99 (Paperback)
Review by Brad Harmer

Torrent Company's Captain Rex agrees to relieve Anakin Skywalker of his ubiquitous - and insatiably curious - Padawan, Ahsoka, for a while by bringing her along on a routine three-day shakedown cruise aboard Captain Gilad Pellaeon's newly refitted assault ship. But the training run becomes an active - and dangerous - rescue mission when Republic undercover agent Hallena Devis goes missing in the middle of a Separatist invasion. Dispatched to a distant world to aid a local dictator facing a revolution, Hallena finds herself surrounded by angry freedom fighters, and questioning the Republic's methods - and motives.

Summoned to rescue the missing operative who is also his secret love, Pellaeon - sworn to protect the Republic over all - is torn between duty and desire. And Ahsoka, sent in with Rex and six untested clone troopers to extract Hallena, encounters a very different Jedi philosophy, which shakes the foundation of her upbringing to the core. As danger and intrigue intensify, the loyalties and convictions of all involved will be tested.

Fan favourite author Karen Traviss has quit writing for Star Wars as of this novel. I’m very sad to see her go, but I can also understand her reasons (which need not be documented again here). No Prisoners, then, is her final Star Wars novel. Is it a suitable high note?

No Prisoners contains several good action sequences, and the characterisations of Anakin, Ahsoka, Padme and Pellaeon are all spot on. One is left wondering why on Earth Traviss felt a need to write Callista Ming in, though. Some parts of the EU really are best left forgotten about.

All the good aspects of this story are let down by one thing: Traviss’ obvious lack on enthusiasm. Throughout her sense of detachment is obvious, and when you’re dealing with a high action, high excitement universe like Star Wars, that’s a big, bad mistake. Everything feels half-arsed, and it’s a real shame. I wanted to come out of this thinking “Sorry to see you go, Karen”, but instead I left thinking “Fine. If you can’t be bothered...”.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: Some explosions, laser gun pyooing, spacecraft battles and lightsaber combat.
Sex/Nudity: None.
Swearing: None.
Summary: A sadly flat and rather uninspiring EU offering. Traviss’ lack of enthusiasm is a wet blanket from the off. 4/10

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Or Is That Just Me?
Richard Hammond
Orion Publishing
Available Now - £7.99 (Paperback)
Review by Brad Harmer

You have to wonder how some people get away with it. Christopher Lee is eight-eight years old, and he has published one autobiography, plus an extra chapter a few years later to cover The Lord of the Rings and Star Wars. Richard Hammond is thirty nine when he starts writing Or Is That Just Me?, and this is his third autobiography. That’s going to require some serious filler material, right?

You know what Top Gear is. You know who Richard Hammond is. This is light, easy reading fluff. There’s no real bite or substance to any of it. It’s toilet reading, at best.

Whilst Hammond’s anecdotes are often entertaining, the book in general suffers from a terrible lack of cohesion. It doesn’t feel like part of a life story. It feels like a bunch of dinner party anecdotes stapled together, with only the slightest forethought given to chronology.

Hammond’s writing style (or possibly his ghost writer’s writing style...none was credited, but I’m honestly not too sure) is not great. He makes himself understood clearly enough, but it fails to get any of his personality across. This is a real shame, as his chirpy self-deprecation is incredibly endearing in his television work, but here it’s just presented without flair and without personality. He can talk at length about an operation that involved a small drill being inserted into his bladder via his urethra...and it doesn’t even make you cross your legs.

The stories outstay their welcome by the end, and don’t even feel worthy of mentioning. Then...the book just stops. There’s no real conclusion. No summing up. No big bang. It’s just another anecdote, and then it’s the end of the book.

Presumably he’ll continue where he left off in his fourth autobiography.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: None.
Sex/Nudity: Some buttocks.
Swearing: Very mild uses.
Summary: A collection of mildly interesting anecdotes, held together by no real links. Mildly interesting if you’re a fan, but probably best avoided. 3/10

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Bloodline
Mark Billingham
Little, Brown Book Group
Available Now - £6.99 (Paperback)
Review by Brad Harmer

Tom Thorne and his partner Louise have been trying to become parents, but then Louise suffers a miscarriage, which she finds devastating. Thorne tries his hardest to console her, but neither his words nor his actions seem to do the trick. At work, Thorne and his fellow detective Hendricks spend their time trading barbed one-liners, but they have a grim problem on their hands.

There appears to be a disturbing parallel between several murders in the present and the gruesome career of serial killer, Raymond Garvey – but Garvey is dead, killed by a brain tumour. Thorne and Hendricks realise that a lethal individual is murdering the children of Garvey’s victims. It’s up to them to find out why – and quickly, before more innocent victims die.

Is it just me, or is all crime fiction essentially the same story again and again? Yeah, I like fantasy and I still feel I can honestly and openly ask that question. I mean...do any police detectives have happy home lives? Do all serial killers intentionally leave cryptic clues and riddles for the police, because they want to be caught? I have difficulty with those things. Why can’t we have a crime novel where a happy and contented detective hunts down a genuinely smart and evil villain?

It sounds like I hated this book. Believe me: I didn’t. It’s the same old story we’ve seen a hundred times before, with the same characters and the same old same old everything – but it does a very good job of it. The characters are all rounded and realistic, and the writing is absolutely top notch. It may be formulaic, but if crime fiction is your bag, then you have to check this one out.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: Several gory murders and their aftermaths.
Sex/Nudity: Some references.
Swearing: A realistic amount.
Summary: A well written and well characterised crime novel that is let down by some familiar territory. You’ll love this if you’re a crime fiction fan, but those with a casual interest will likely be underwhelmed. 7/10

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Second Opinion: Bloodline is a really good read, I found it very difficult to put down. Tom Thorne is a completely compelling protagonist, mainly because he's written very realistically. The story is well-written and paced, and reads very much like an episode of a great crime drama on TV or at the cinema. The twists are significant, unpredictable and so well written that it won't dawn on you what's happening until just the right moment. 9/10 - Rob Wade

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Darkness: Two Decades of Modern Horror
Edited by Ellen Datlow
Tachyon Publications
Available Now - £12.50 (Trade Paperback)
Review by Kelly Prior

Darkness: Two Decades of Modern Horror is an anthology of short stories that presents quite a decent collection of nail biting horror, dating from 1984 to 2005. The stories themselves range from remarkably horrific and astounding, to forgettable attempts at the genre, but it is the personal journey through the decades that makes this book truly worth reading.

The editor, Ellen Datlow, insists in her introduction that this book is “by no means a definitive collection of the best stories.” A brave attempt to make the book seem more elite, but probably not the best decision she could have made to boost sales. Did it ever occur to Datlow that perhaps her readership actually want “the best”?

The foreword by Stefan Dziemianowicz is an excellent essay chronicling the progression of horror through the years, highlighting the genre’s key influences, with particular emphasis on defending Short Horror Fiction. Each short story is prefaced by a blurb about the author. For the more intellectually driven horror fan, this volume is not simply an opportunity to read and enjoy, but also to study.

Some stories are genuinely nail-biting and terrifying pieces of fiction. Others are disappointing, often tedious and boring. From the selection of stories on offer, here are a couple that really deserve their place in Darkness:

Jacqueline Ess: Her Will and Testament by Clive Barker takes a very basic concept; the ability to control things with the mind, and creates a terrifically compelling plot from it. If, to you, horror means blood and gore, then this is the story for you.

The Pear-Shaped Man by George R. R. Martin is intense reading at its best. Martin writes with a sinister narration which builds up to a genuinely shocking twist, something missing in a lot of modern horror fiction. You won’t see this one coming, I promise.

Darkness is basically Goosebumps for the adult generation; for people who are looking for the same thrills they experienced as children, but without the PG tag. The stories are achingly descriptive and a bit uncomfortable at times, but for the most part, they deliver what we would expect from some of horror’s best loved authors.

Want my advice? Give this one a go. But keep the lights on.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: Plenty.
Sex/Nudity: Sexual scenes, nudity, uncomfortable descriptions of paedophilia on two occasions.
Swearing: Not as much as you would think, but used when needed.
Summary: It’s worth investing in; something you don’t have to read all in one go, and something every horror fan should have on the shelf. Just don’t expect to enjoy every single story. 7/10